Shattered Bonds-Okuyasu & Josuke

Okuyasu's Diary-Part 8

August 15th

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. Everything feels off, like something's wrong but I can't figure out what it is. I know Jojo's been different since the letter thing, but I'm trying so hard not to let my fears get the best of me. I don't want to push him away, but it's like I can't stop myself. I keep thinking he's going to leave, that he's tired of dealing with all my issues. I keep telling myself that I'm just being paranoid, but it doesn't help. I hate this.

August 20th

It's getting worse. Josuke doesn't talk to me like he used to. He's distant, like he's here but not really. I've noticed he's been staying out later, saying he needs time to himself. I get it—I'm a mess, and he needs a break from all my shit. But every time he's gone, I can't help but wonder if he's finding that break with someone else. I KNOW it's stupid, but the thought won't leave my head. I feel like I'm losing him, and I don't know how to fix it. I'm trying to be better, to not let my insecurities ruin everything, but it's like I'm stuck in this loop, and I can't get out.

August 25th

I'M TRYING. I'm trying so fucking hard to hold it together, but nothing I do is right. I can see it in his eyes, the way he looks at me now. There's no warmth, no love, just... disappointment. I hate myself for making him feel this way, for being such a burden. I don't know what else to do. I barely talk anymore because I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing. When I do try to talk, it just ends up in another argument. I can't even remember what it was like before all this, when we were happy. It feels like a lifetime ago, and I don't know if I'm ever going to get that back. I'm terrified that I've ruined everything.

August 30th

I'VE FUCKED EVERYTHING UP. We had another fight tonight, and it was bad. All I wanted was to spend time with him, but he came home late again. I asked him why, and he said he needed space. SPACE. From me?? I'm the one going through shit?! It felt like a knife in my chest. I accused him of not caring anymore, of falling out of love with me, and he just stood there, looking at me like I was some pathetic thing he couldn't wait to get rid of. He told me we needed a break. A FUCKING BREAK. He said he can't do this anymore, that he needs to focus on himself. What the fuck does that even mean? I KNOW I'm a mess, but I never thought he'd just give up on me like this. I feel like my heart's been ripped out of my chest. I begged him not to do this, but he just looked at me with those cold eyes and said he's sorry. I think I'm gonna throw u-- SORRY? SORRY DOESN'T FIX ANYTHING. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING. I'VE LOST HIM AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT.

September 5th

I don't know what to do. He's still letting me stay here, but it's like living with a ghost. I'm staying alone in their small guest room. I can't sleep, I can't eat—I'm just here, existing, and it hurts so much. I know he doesn't want me here. He doesn't even look at me anymore. He's just waiting for the moment when he can finally get rid of me. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I feel like I'm dying inside, but there's nothing I can do to change it. I've tried to be better, to not be such a fucking burden, but nothing works. The majority of the time I hide in the toilet and cry. For hours. Until someone knocks on the door.

September 10th

Dad called. They're finally meeting with a social worker to figure out what happens next. I should be relieved, but I'm just numb. Josuke is barely around, and when he is, it's like he's already moved on. I can't stand the silence anymore. I KNOW I should leave, but I have nowhere to go. And even if I did, I don't think I could survive without him. I heard him laugh downstairs with his parents yesterday. And I don't know why, I hated it. How can he be laughing when I am going through all this rfudjgninfgns. But I guess I'm no longer his problem. Just makes me feel more alone.I'M SO FUCKING PATHETIC. I hate myself for needing him this much, for not being able to just walk alone. I hate that I've become this person—someone who can't even stand on their own.WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?! I've ruined everyth- ------- A tear falls on the paper. The hand holding the pen; shaking. Okuyasu takes a deep breath and slowly stands up and looks out of the window emotionless. It was midnight, the house was quiet, everyone was fast asleep. Okuyasu closes his diary and walks over to his jacket laying on the bed. 'I think I need to take a nice long walk'