░My Journal░

The way it burns.

(Possible?) Tags ; Venting, Mentioning Cheating, Cursing, Switching POV's(?), Explicit Wording

"The way it burns."

Every time I think about him it hurts, it feels like my hearts being torn from my chest and crumbled in his hand.  Why does he do this.. I mean,  I understand in some aspects.. it's human to want, to be selfish.. But it still hurts, the way my eyes prick and tears form as I think about him, about those sweet times he'd reassure me, But it still burns, the way my heart aches in my chest whenever I get a notification you started streaming, but it's still so fresh and bleeding, the way whenever I see you in a game or on any social media platform I can't help but begin to spiral, the thought of you hurts. The way you tease about how I want to be in a relationship with you, the way you word things in just the way I can't understand with how fast you speak, the lies.. that's what has hurt the most. The lies. The way you lie to me about how she is sweet, but the next minute you're complaining about how she probably is cheating, how she's too distant how she says she wants sex one minute and doesn't the next. Maybe you got tired of me? I do some of those things, I'll ask for sex but get too disgusted by myself  or my thoughts and will no longer be comfortable enough for it and decline, but I wish you'd just tell me those things... It hurts, you may as well put on a backwards baseball cap and star in the new playboy show. I know you "constantly have bitches on your dick that you aren't interested in" but am I in that group? You've said three different people excluding me you're currently doing this bullshit with, and that might not even include your damn s/o! Who you've broken up with 2 times since you got together 3 months ago. I've been there, and I've tried so hard to be a rock for you but you pummel me down and keep on walking... I'm simply a stone in the gravel. However, I know you aren't the only one to blame, perhaps its the way you grew up as well that helped influence this behavior but that's not what I mean, I'm to blame as well, I was just as toxic, I hated it and still do, I may still be toxic but I don't know. That's for you to decide and tell me. I know I used to be, in some aspects at least.. and I hate that, I was so stupid and close minded, selfish even... Simply human, simply making mistakes, like you, you're human too. You made mistakes, make mistakes still, I shouldn't hold you up to this magical podium and expect you to preform the perfect speech you weren't even told you'd be saying. I'm to blame as much as you if not more.. and I hate myself for that, for letting myself be that way, for even letting myself get in this forsaken situation ship or whatever in the fuck ass this is.

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Sorry for switching from Him to You, I don't intend that as you, the reader, but I wrote this in a fit of hurt and rage and it came out slightly easier when I wrote it as if directly yelling at him.

Well.. I guess that's it for now, I'll write you another day, but if I don't see you again, Good morning, Good afternoon, and Good night.

~Kaveh