Found My Sun

Part 8

Helena's POV:

The nightmare brought back memories.I was trying to focus on the present. Acknowledge my surroundings. Breathe in and out. But I wouldn't calm down. My hands were shaking. I could feel the fear in my chest rising. I looked around. I was home.

<<You're safe Helena, you're safe.>> Maybe if I say it out loud I'll believe it. My voice came out rushed and high pitched, adding to my panic.

It feels like the walls of my apartment are closing on me, like there's no space left, like I'm dying. I feel like I can't breathe, I can't.

I keep on thinking about the day when I was locked at the basement. It was winter and I was pretty cold but that's the last thing I paid attention to. You see, I hated the darkness. Because when it's dark, you don't know what to expect. Me being so young didn't help either. I thought there were monsters hidden or murderers or I don't know. Something that could kill me, something that could cause me harm. Who would have known that some years after I'd be the one harming myself. Still I wasn't the only one though.

I just felt so bad that night. I felt like Malleysa didn't care for me at all. Like she forgot about me. After a while I'd start blaming myself. Like maybe I was just overreacting, that I was stupid and that she'd come back soon. Like what she did wasn't awful and it didn't affect me. Like it shouldn't affect me.

I remember. I spent the whole time thinking. Wondering. Why. Wondering. What was happening. Why would she lock me. Did something bad happened to her. Is that why she isn't coming.

But no, nothing happened to her. I was just trying to find excuses because she was my friend and I just couldn't believe that she'd lock me at a dark, cold basement for the night.

I didn't sleep. Well, I was tired. But I was too scared to close my eyes.

The next morning I pretended I was fine. When my parents found me, I'd smile. But they knew. They knew I wasn't fine. They knew that wasn't fine.

It feels exactly like it felt that night. It feels like it's dark again and cold. It's even more scary now. It's as if there's light but I just can't see it.

My other friends weren't any better than Malleysa. They were pulling me underwater and I couldn't help but wonder. What if they held me down until I actually couldn't breathe ? Until I actually drowned?

I'm not saying they wanted to kill me. We were all kids. But still. That wouldn't matter anyways if I was dead.

It wasn't just the pool thing. Those friends would actually make fun of me and bully me at school.

I once had to sing infront of the whole school. They'd laugh at me the whole time. I was looking at them while I was singing. They'd even leave the room as they couldn't stand it anymore.

And here I was now. Tears running down my face. My mind racing. My heart beating fast. My hands were sweating.

No matter how many breathing techniques I'd try, nothing would work.

I took the phone in my trembling hands.

I have to distract myself somehow. I should call someone. Maybe my mom? No c'mon, she's be busy. Dad should be busy too. I'm fucking 24 anyways. I should be able to calm myself down.

I can't even think anymore. My vision's starting to get blurry. I dial Leana's number.

She picks up.

<<Hello?>> A deep, kind of confused male voice answered.