THE DREAM CATCHER

3.

Falling into the rabbit hole is something purely concerning. It's unusual, different. It's something so unrealistic you don't want to believe it. It changes your senses. You just wander unaware of the danger that's waiting for you. And then you take a wrong turn and the ground eats you whole. You can never escape the rabbit hole. Once you fell down, there's no coming back. You may realise yourself, come back home, live your life. But it's not going to be the same. The rabbit hole is going to deepen all the time pulling you down with it. As long as you remember. The wonderland now belongs to you. And you belong to the wonderland. Nothing is the same after you fall down. Everything changes. And keeps changing forever. It's an endless loop. And even though you know it's not real. You know that the white rabbit with a clock doesn't really exist and a blue caterpillar can't smoke you can't get it out of your head. Because you've already drowned too deep.

I found my Wonderland today. This day something has changed. My rabbit hole wasn't visible. It wasn't even material. It was hidden inside the nooks and crannies of my mind and someone decided to finally push me inside it. I know my fall started today because I wake up feeling reluctant. I don't remember feeling it at any point of my life. I don't remember feeling anything ever at all. Ever since I can remember I was just an empty shell of a human being. I have my favourite colour, I like wearing a lot of golden jewellery and I hate loud noises, they hurt my ears. I don't feel comfortable around people and in crowded places. I like art. And I love my brother unconditionally. That's the only things that ever described me as I human. That were my only traits. There were programmed like a trial version for some payed, full subscription. I never had anything more to offer. I don't remember feeling angry, sad, scared, happy. I've never experienced any of that. I don't cry when someone tells me something mean. I don't laugh when someone says something funny. No words nor actions ever affected me. I was like a mirror reflection of a person. It was there, for sure, looked the same as the one on the other side. But was numb, fake, emotionless. It was just a projection. Only now I realise I was a projection of myself this whole time. I have no idea what changed. I just woke up feeling like I've been in coma for years. Like I've been asleep and I finally stopped dreaming. And it terrifies me. I've heard about emotions. I've heard that animals feel some of them. When they are in danger they feel scared in order to protect their lives. I've even heard about swans that can die of grief when their partner dies. But human species doesn't experience them. It's not in our nature. So now, when I experience every emotion on the palette I feel like my brains are going to blow out. So many things come back to me at once. I feel like some wires finally touched. Like someone switched on something in my brain and the whole factory now burns with flames. I feel like my limbs were frozen for ages and now they're melting allowing me to finally move. I must be sick. It must be some kind of disease because what is going on with me is not normal, I shouldn't experience that. I know that it's dangerous, that something is wrong. Maybe I've caught some kind of pandemics or I've gotten poisoned. But for some strange, terrifying reason I don't feel bad because of it. Even though I know that it can't be anything good I feel alive for the very first time of my life. I shouldn't accept that. I should go to the hospital and get better. But this feeling can't compare to anything I've ever experienced in my life. No fancy food, no good sex, no heavy drugs can compare to the state of being able to feel. And even if it's bad, I don't want it to stop. I want to stop dreaming. I feel someone has given me my biggest treasure back even if it was never mine. It feels familiar, like a Deja vu. Like a very very bad decision that makes me feel good. For the first time in my life I feel. You know that feeling when you know that something is very bad for you but you can't help enjoying it? That's exactly how I feel now.

Conscious.