THE DREAM CATCHER

13.

A week went by. A week of me feeling and I'm so sick of it I want to throw up on the floor I'm currently lying on. It's another Friday, I didn't go to school for a week. I haven't seen my mother for a week. I didn't exchange a word with my father for a week but it's not like I used to exchange any words with him before. I'm loosing my mind. I'm loosing my mind because of every aspect of life that affects me. I feel too much. I hear too much. I see too much. Everything seems so bright and sharp, so dangerous and attacking me from every corner. Valentina calls a couple of times a day, she tries to visit me but sometimes I pretend to be asleep. I don't want to talk. I can't talk. I'm not strong enough to talk with anyone but myself. I'm having hours long conversations with myself in my brain and I'm becoming tired of the person I am. It's like I'm getting to know someone annoying from the very beginning. It's sickening. Tiring. I don't want it anymore. I don't want to live anymore. But I don't want to come back to the feeling of floating somewhere between the sleep and the life either. I just want to disappear.

Right now I'm lying on my bedroom floor staring at the ceiling for the last 3 hours. I haven't moved a bit. The white colour is so overwhelming and so terribly dull like I used to be I want to spit blood on it, at least to make it have any colour at all. It's so plain, so undisturbed, like I was before. And I hate it. It has nothing to offer but an endless space of nothingness. And it's crushing me. Suddenly I feel a horrible pain in the back of my head. It's so breathtaking I have to sit up and grab the back of my head even though it doesn't change a thing. I squeeze my eyes as much as I can. But the pain doesn't do away. At all. I start to scream. I start to scream so loudly I'm glad it's not curfew yet, because I'm sure I would wake everyone up. And suddenly I'm on my feet. Suddenly I'm walking towards the drawer still clinching my hand on the back of my head but my legs lead me somewhere. I stand in front of the drawer like someone pulling the strings in my mind forced me to. My eyes draw to the shelf at the bottom. Open it - my mind tells me. I must know that there's something important. So I do. I open the shelf. It's filled with some underwear but I know deeply inside that there's something more to look for. So I toss everything out on the floor like im in some kind of trans kneeling behind the drawer. And I find what, turns out, I was looking for. I see a tiny, navy blue, velvet box in the middle. The terrible feeling of Deja vu crushes against the surface of my consciousness telling me that I'm familiar with this object. So I reach for it blindly following my disobedient mind. As I open it I'm being flooded with memories. There's a golden, tiny, heart shaped, opening pendant inside. It has a place for two photos. One is occupied. There's a photo of Noah there. He's dressed in an army suit, army hat, all covered in Moro pattern. I can see his tar black curls trying to escape the head wear onto his tanned face. He's 16 on that photo. I know that because it was the year he left for army and I never saw him again. He's saluting with cold, dead gaze on his face, his eyes pinned to something unreachable. I don't think much. I practically wrench the pendant from the box and jump straight on my legs. I unfasten the gold chain I've been wearing on my neck forever and I hang the pendant on it. I put the necklace back on my neck and I swear to myself I'll never, ever take it off again. I'll never forget about him again. I'll always remember. He will always protect me.

Suddenly, an amazing idea crushes my mind.

***

,,Tell me what exactly are we doing?" Valentina asks as I'm leading her through the soaked in evening light city streets.

,,I'm getting a tattoo." I answer dully, not turning back to look at her. I'm so proud of my sudden idea that I can't help a smile appearing on my face. I'm going to glory my brother forever. I'm never forgetting him again.

,,Yeah, right." She says visibly tired with me and it makes me smile even more.

I'm turning the corner to a dark alley where I know I can find an infamous tattoo studio we used to visit when we were underage and wanted to get illegal tattoo easily. Diego did, I didn't have mind to think about things like that. But since I got my mind back I'm going to use it the very best way I can. My way.