THE DREAM CATCHER

5.

I didn't go to school. Instead, for the last four hours I've been balling my eyes out sitting on the cold tiles in my living room and watching old photos of me and Noah from the album. And remembering. Remembering every single second of our life together. I want to stab myself in the chest for forgetting. He has always been in my mind, sure. I always knew I had a brother that is no longer present. But something inside me silenced those memories, those thoughts, those images, this grief. And now I feel like the mourning and this grief I should be feeling for the last 5 years he is gone attacks me all at once. I feel like my heart is going to explode. Something that was trying to break free for so long finally did realise itself. There is absolutely no doubt than that I'm sick. I can't explain the fact that for the first time in 5 years I feel, in a different way. Something happened to me. Something bad, horrible. And even though I was grateful for this sickness before because I finally felt like I'm awake from a dream, now I hate it and want to burry it under the ground again. I don't remember feeling that much pain ever. I was shot once. Directly in the stomach. And even this shot didn't hurt as much as this realisation. That I forgot. I forgot to feel. Or maybe I've been sick for this whole time and now I'm getting better. I don't know. But why didn't anyone treat me if I was sick before? I have no idea what's going on with me. I practically feel I'm mutating inside. I feel my organs doing a dance inside my body and mixing their positions. And my eyes burn like they've been set on fire. I don't remember crying for so long. My eyes got used to being dry.
And suddenly I feel my brain being flooded by another new emotion. Anger. I'm angry. I don't know why, I don't have any reason to believe that but I feel betrayed. Like someone stole something from me. Someone had stolen my life and kept it locked for the last 5 years. I don't have any proof. I'm just certain of that. The only way I can describe my condition is sitting on a rollercoaster without any seatbelts and any protection and with a terrible fear of highs. The rollercoaster is shaking and turning upside down and I keep living only because I hold onto the frames and don't want to let go. If I will I'll die. This is how I feel. Like I'm being tortured to death. I can't take it anymore. I can't keep looking at the old pictures or I'll go blind from the tears.
I can't allow for Noah's face to display in front of my eyes or I'll go insane. So I close the album and stand up. I feel my legs shaking I barely hold balance. My head hurts like it's been pierced with a rusty pipe. My body feels like it's been run over by a truck. Several times.
On a shaky legs I head towards my bedroom. Sleep. I need to sleep and forget. I don't want to feel any longer. I've been feeling for the last couple of hours and I'm already sick of it. If other people are having feeling their whole lives I'm not jealous of them. Feeling will kill me.
I toss myself onto the bed and accidentally hit my head into the wall. It only strengthen my head ache. I dig under my bed for a little bit to finally find a wine bottle hidden there in case of hangover or a really bad pain. But it was there for a physical pain. I don't know if alcohol works for mental pain as well. I don't have any experience at all. But I try. I drink half a bottle of red, bitter-sweat liquid all at once, then toss in onto the floor and lay my heavy from thoughts body on the bed. I feel tingling in my brain. The only feeling I'm familiar with. Not moving my head from the comfortable position I reach for a cigarettes box that is lying on the bed table. I lit one up. The nice feeling floods over my body as I look at the white, plain ceiling. It's as numb, dull and boring as I remembered. But it never bothered me. Now it seems horrible. Everything seems horrible. I've been wearing pink glasses for so long that now when I removed them the world seems grey and dark. Maybe emotions are indeed bad for people. At least if anyone except me experience them. And I don't know that. I don't know so many things that it's killing me.
The sleep finally comes and I wish I could be asleep forever.
Shame.