Déjà vu sonder

Chapter 4 The Tipping

And so, Alex's story continued, a narrative of resilience and despair woven together in the fabric of their existence, seeking meaning amidst the chaos and solitude of their own thoughts.

Alex's inner turmoil continued to gnaw at them, leaving a trail of fragmented thoughts and unspoken pain in its wake. The weight of their past and present converged in a tumultuous storm of emotions, each moment etched with a haunting sense of loneliness and confusion. "I can't remember clearly how my childhood was," Alex confessed quietly to themselves, their voice a mere whisper against the backdrop of their restless mind. "But I can clearly remember the bad stuff, and that's not how I want it to be seen."

Their thoughts wandered through the labyrinth of memories, grappling with the specters of their past. "Man, I don't know," they murmured, their voice tinged with a mix of frustration and longing. "I haven't talked to anyone about it, and I don't know how to"

The tumultuous journey of their life weighed heavily on their soul. "My life took such a change..." Alex trailed off, their thoughts drifting back to a pivotal moment. "Everything was just fantastic until I was 7. Life just hit a switch, and I would sometimes break down and cry and get angry, and I said out loud I want to kill myself, which had my mom tripping, and that switch became locked when I turned 9."Reflecting on their early years, Alex found solace in the memories before the darkness descended. "Everything before I was 9. Everything was going at a nice pace and peaceful," they reminisced, their voice carrying a wistful tone.

The solitude they felt in recent years loomed large in their mind. "Also, loneliness has been hitting me for the past 3 years," Alex admitted, their vulnerability laid bare. "And I don't put effort into knowing new people. I've had made hundreds of deep relations that just fade away like it never happened."The ache of isolation and the longing for genuine connection were palpable in their words. "I want to cry right now; I mean it," they confessed, their voice trembling with raw emotion. "I can't remember how it feels to just burst out. I really want someone to talk to. I thought I could get some other view of things."

As the days blurred into one another, Alex's struggle manifested in unexpected ways. "Man, I woke up and felt like shit today," they recounted, their voice filled with weariness. "I had a 10-second argument about why I didn't want to go to college/university. I had only 5 minutes to get ready, and my head was spinning; it felt like a jet in my head with a broken left wing."

Their journey through the day was marked by an internal battle against overwhelming emotions. "Then I got in the car, and I was just reading my manga, and tears came down out of nowhere," Alex continued, their voice betraying the strain they felt. "But I kept on reading. "Navigating through the haze of their emotions, Alex found themselves grappling with fluctuating moods and sensations. "My mood has been all over the place lately," they acknowledged, their voice reflecting a sense of resignation. "The first day of school, I talked to everyone, even though I didn't know them, and we just played card games and stuff. The second day, I rarely speak, and it's been like that since."

The classroom offered little respite from their internal turmoil. "I got into the class, and we didn't really have anything to do," Alex recounted, their thoughts wandering through the mundane details of their day. "I couldn't hear anything, so I just sat there and read for hours, trying to eat the pain of my headache and avoided as much talk as I could."

Their physical ailments mirrored the emotional burden they carried. "Every time I talk and my ear acts up, it hurts even more, or not even hurt more like my head starts