Déjà vu sonder

C-9 the Language of Flowers Echoes of a Hidden Heart

Honestly, Alex was having a lot of thoughts. They weren't all bad, but they were quite overwhelming.In a way, Alex wanted to start by admitting that they didn't know how to express themself to the person they had feelings for. They could talk to her, but it always felt like they would never break the ice. Every conversation stayed on the surface, and Alex had this nagging feeling that they would never reach anything deeper. But at the same time, they wanted to try. They were just too nervous to take that step, though. It had been so long—almost ages—since Alex had last tried to let someone know how they truly felt.For the past few years, Alex had spent most of their time writing things down, over and over again, so now it felt like they lacked the skills to take a relationship to a deeper level. If someone said to them, "Hey, you can speak your mind," Alex thought they'd feel relieved, but they were also scared of overwhelming that person with all the thoughts swirling inside their head. If someone told them it was okay, they'd probably be a bit shocked—maybe even in denial."I feel like it would take me some time to process," Alex thought to themself, feeling confused. They knew they probably shouldn't be so worried. They just needed to let time and God guide them on the right path.That was how they felt at that moment.Alex knew they should head to bed soon, but they couldn't help but recall something strange from earlier. They weren't sure if it had happened while they were awake or asleep, but they clearly remembered mumbling, "Hold me, please hold me, hug me." Then, they had woken up really early—around 5 o'clock in the morning—because the garbage men thought it was cool to work that early. Alex couldn't remember having any dream, but they were aware that they had said those words. It felt like they had been asleep, but they weren't sure.Before they had tried to sleep, an extreme urge to self-harm had surfaced again, but they resisted it. Alex recognized that familiar feeling—wanting physical contact, needing not to be alone like usual. They held their pillow tightly, hoping it would hold them back, but a pillow wasn't a person. It didn't help the way Alex had wanted. Still, the desire for a hug lingered, that simple wish to have arms around them."Am I in love?" Alex wondered, feeling a bit sad about not being able to see her today. They hoped they would tomorrow—she really brightened their day. They had only spent a week with her, only one day alone, and already Alex was feeling something. They were scared of these feelings because they wanted to show them and tell her, but at the same time, they feared they might have misunderstood their friendship."I want to know more about her," Alex thought. "Or is it just me? Is my brain playing tricks on me, trying to convince me that I have feelings for her, even though I've only known her for less than a week?" Alex sighed, deciding they probably shouldn't think too much about it.As the day went on, Alex's nose acted up, making school harder to follow. They felt sluggish, confused even. At some point, they told one of their friends that they wanted to surprise this person they liked. Their friend suggested, "Maybe you should try giving her flowers."Alex had thought about that but hadn't considered figuring out her favorite color and flowers. So, their friend took it upon herself to find that info, and in the end, she did. Once Alex had the information, they were excited to prepare the flowers for the next day. They couldn't wait for school to finish so they could go look for them.Hours passed, and finally, Alex was on the bus, heading home. Once they got home, they grabbed their bike and rode to a flower shop. The first shop couldn't help, so Alex biked further into town and found a place with good-looking flowers. Alex told the florist that they needed flowers in three specific colors and types. The florist took notes as Alex explained everything. She then asked about Alex's budget, and they confidently said, "500 kr." Now, all Alex had to do was wait until tomorrow.They weren't even sure if their feelings were mutual, though they felt like she was giving off signals. Alex wasn't certain, but they just hoped she would be happy and at least say thank you. Even if it didn't turn out the way they wanted, they still hoped it would bring her some happiness.This was the first time Alex had really taken the initiative to do something like this.Later that night, after hours of gaming *Escape from Tarkov*—sweating like crazy because of the intense heat, even in the evening—it suddenly started raining heavily. Shortly after, there was lightning and thunder. The thunder was loud, almost deafening. Alex heard a loud bang, followed by a strange, indescribable "brrba" sound. They opened the door to feel the storm's wild humidity, knowing it was a thunderstorm.The rain poured, and the wind howled like a jet engine. The storm was intense, but Alex enjoyed it, wishing it would last forever. "But nothing lasts forever," they thought, smiling a little. "You've got to enjoy the little things while they last."When Alex woke up later that night, around 5 or 6 in the morning, the sky was gray, and it wasn't cold—it felt like a microwave outside. The thunder had started up again, and Alex hoped it would continue all day, but it didn't.