Déjà vu sonder

C-8 Whispers in the Abyss

Alex feared nothing in this world, except God. It had been years since they last put their thoughts into writing, and when they finally did, it felt like standing at the edge of a cliff. Writing scared them, not because they feared the process itself, but because it unleashed the torrents of thoughts they'd tried to control for so long. Their thoughts could be troubling, sometimes leading them into dark places, places they tried to avoid. They weren't a bad person—they knew that much—but still, those thoughts affected them more than they wanted to admit.

One day, while in the middle of a League of Legends game, a friend called. It was a usual conversation at first. Their friend mentioned a show about killers and how they became bloodthirsty. Then, in a half-joking tone, they added, "You know, Alex, you kind of fit the profile—socially awkward, reserved, a bit of a nerd." They both laughed. It was true in a way, and Alex didn't mind admitting it. But after hanging up, something lingered in the back of their mind.

Could they really become like that? A mad person? It was a wild thought, but once it surfaced, it refused to leave. These thoughts always followed the same pattern—first the curiosity, then the fear, and finally the guilt. Whenever Alex felt themselves slipping into that mental abyss, they reached for something greater than themselves. God. The only force strong enough to pull them back from the brink. But still, it was a struggle. Some of their old habits, like cutting, tried to claw their way back into their life, tempting them with promises of false relief. They battled those urges every day, clinging to the Holy Spirit for strength.

Sometimes, Alex could almost see the dark thoughts play out in vivid detail. It was scary, and even scarier was the realization that they might be the one adding those details. The battle was ongoing. They didn't want to feed the void, but it was always there, lurking, waiting for them to slip.

In moments of clarity, Alex wondered if they longed for a broken mentality. Life was like a roller coaster with no brakes, but they weren't alone. They had a guide, a companion. Every morning, they dragged themselves out of bed and went through the motions—school, assignments, just surviving. Each day was a battle. The upcoming exams were another looming challenge, and they feared their outcome might change everything. But they remembered God's words: "Don't let worries consume you. Don't think too far into the future; only God knows what's coming." Alex tried their best to live by those words, but the random thoughts often led them astray.

They had climbed out of the abyss once, and now they stood in a gray void. It wasn't as dark, but it wasn't where they wanted to be either.

Most days, Alex preferred to be alone. Being around people drained them, and their presence annoyed them more than they liked to admit. So, they kept to themselves. Daydreams filled the gaps in their solitude—memories of their time in foster care, the chaotic yet strangely adventurous life they had led. Moving from one home to another, meeting new people, forming and losing relationships—it had all felt like a whirlwind.

Their first arrival at Hvidborg was a turning point. For the first time, they had felt truly alone, like they had to change just to survive. But the changes weren't their own. They were molded by others, shaped into something that reflected everyone's input but their own. They had fun during their time there, though. The kids were wild, but so were they. The caretakers all had their quirks, and the yearly skiing trips were always something to look forward to. Hvidborg was a system, and Alex was just another piece of it.

But as they grew older, rebellion took over. Kids moved away, new ones came in, and Alex started acting out. If they looked back on themselves now, they'd think a demon had taken over. Things only got worse when they moved to a new foster home in Bogense. The rules there—or lack of them—shocked them. They could vape in their room, stay on their phone all day, and the internet was a 24/7 escape. It felt like a dream, but soon that dream turned into a trap. They became lost in the digital world, forgetting who they really were.

Another crisis hit. A new version of Alex was born from the wreckage of their old self. But deep down, they knew something had to change if they wanted to follow God with their whole heart. They left behind the old habits—weed, mindless friendships, unhealthy music, and judgment of others. Like Jesus said, "Once you follow me, you've already died to your old self." And that's what Alex had done. They let go of who they used to be and embraced a new life with Jesus.

"Thank you, Jesus," Alex often whispered in prayer. For those who knew them well, they should be thankful too. Without Jesus, Alex might not be alive today, or worse, their mind might be completely broken. But God had reached out to them in their darkest hour, offering a hand of grace. That was the blessing Alex held on to.

"I wish people could understand how loving God is," Alex thought to themselves.

They closed their eyes and whispered, "Amen."