𝔱𝔯𝔲𝔰𝔱 // 𝘯𝘦𝘸𝘵 𝘹 𝘺/𝘯 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘺

chapter three: hurt

                                                                                 NEWT'S POV

Y/N's words hurt me in a way I'm not even sure I can describe. But I know I can't play victim here. I hurt her, and there is nothing I can do to change that. She's in pain because of me. Sure, maybe I wasn't in control of myself, but how does that give me an excuse. I look down at my hands, at the grey stains my veins have left, disgusted by my own body. My skin still crawls at the feel of the virus, how it would pulse through my veins, but it felt thick, like a gloop rather than liquid. I force my eyes from them, forcing myself forward. I find my way to my hut, closing the weak wooden door behind me, sinking to the floor behind it. I pull my sleeves down, but it won't cover my veins. My eyes fill with tears of frustration as I wrap strips of cloth around my wrists and the backs of my hands. I can't do this. I've made my love afraid of me. How can I live with myself.

I bury my face into my knees, my hands shaking, without hers to steady them. My hands are warm, too warm, without her cold ones to give heat to. I clench them into fists, punching my thighs over and over and over until my knuckles bruise, reddening and fading into disgusting shades of purple. I sigh, leaning my head against the door. I feel a vibration against my back as the door knocks. I wipe my face, ruffling my hair. Just like Y/N used to do. I am well and truly haunted by her. Everything I do, she's there, in my mind.

The door opens accompanied by a creaking sound. Minho stands there, looking straight at me. "Hey man, good to see you.." he says. I haven't seen him since the whole Crank incident. "Hi." Shuck, I sound like I've been crying. "You good?" Minho asks, his voice has a hint of curiosity. "Oh.. yeah, I heard about what happened between you and Y/N..." he says gently. "When I tried to kill her," my voice breaks again, tears threatening to spill out of my eyes. "Or what just happened." I finish. "Brenda told me. About both. She saw what happened." "Is Y/N mad? D-do you know?" My voice is barely above a murmur. We've only fought once or twice, but never like this. "I just went to see her. She's scared, Newt. And she feels horrible about it." Something about that crushes me. She's afraid. Afraid of me. How could it have come to this? A tear falls, wiped as quickly as it came. "Newt, I'm sorry, man..." "Not your fault." I whisper. "It's getting late... I'm going to go to bed." I say, just needing to be alone for a while. I close the door, slipping my shirt over my head and tossing it to the side before laying down on my side, pulling my pillow in front of me, just like how me and Y/N would sleep. And that's when I finally let myself cry.

Tears stream down my face. I bury my face into my pillow, my ribs heaving with sobs. She's afraid of me. She's afraid. Of me. She's. Afraid. Of. Me. I'm a monster. Maybe she has a reason. She does have a reason to be afraid of me. I'm a liability. What if I loose control again? What if I do something much worse than what I did before? I'm not good enough for her. I never will be. I hurt her, what kind of boyfriend does that? Bloody hell, I stabbed her. Not just a hit, I stabbed her. I drew blood for shuck's sake. I'm bloody worthless. My girlfriend, the one person I swore to protect, is afraid of me. It's the type of sob that makes snot drip out of your nose. It's disgusting, much like myself. I look down at my chest, grossed out by my own veins. After fighting with myself, I give up and retrieve my shirt. I can't bear to look at myself. 

When I wake up the next morning, Y/N isn't by my side. Her hair isn't splayed out across the pillow, our limbs aren't tangled. I don't feel the gently rise and fall of her chest because I blew it. But wallowing won't get me anywhere. So that's why I'm going to make things right with her. I get up, my bare feet hitting the cold, wooden floor as I get changed into a fresh set of clothes, fixing my unruly hair. I wipe the crust from the corners of my eyes, which I assume is from my pathetic crying. I'm so stupid, crying so hard over something I know I can fix. I will. I have to.

I make my way to Y/N's hut, ocean waves crashing onto the yellow sand of the beach to my right. Y/N will definitely want to see this when she gets better. When we get better. I hear sounds of children, and I smile, avoiding the thought of my own childhood. They get to grow up in a better place, and that's good. They run a quick gait, not a single limp holding them back. I know I brought the whole limp thing upon myself. And I hope none of those children feel how I did. They have a better environment, I guess, so they won't have to. I keep walking, my shoes moving against the crunchy gravel until I reach her hut. With a hint of hesitance, I knock on the door.

"Who is it?" She calls, her voice sounding very much like she only woke up five minutes ago. "It's me... Newt..." I say, digging my fingers into my sweaty palms. "C-come in." She says kind of quietly, although audible. I pull the door, before realising it's a push. My cheeks flush in embarrassment as I step inside. She's sitting up. Maybe she's feeling a bit better.

"Y/N..." I begin but she cuts me off. "Newt.. I'm so sorry.. for how I treated you... I was just afraid, I know it's stupid-" "no, Y/N, it's fine. I'd be scared of me too. I am scared of myself. I'm scared of hurting you again or something dumb like that." I say, sitting down on the chair across the room. I don't want to get too close too quickly. She still needs space, and I respect that. "What happened to your hands..?" She says softly, looking at the cloth. "I couldn't look at them... all grey like that and-" "no... they're bruised..." "oh... that..." I look down, unable to meet her gaze. "Newt..." she whispers "I just got a little upset, that's all.." "Were you punching yourself?" She asks. I can tell she's being deadly serious right now. Lying is a very, very dangerous game. "Yes, Y/N.. I was."