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⟶ Love Mystery by Afrojarose15

THE OPENING LINE:

"Between the pure darkness and cold breeze of Bangkok at the time when everyone was sleeping, there's still a house with the lights on."

⟶ This is a really nice opening! It's simple but it sets the scene and immediately springs some questions into the reader's mind. Who lives here? Why is the light on? Why are they still awake?

⟶ Opening with something like this is great, especially for this type of genre, as it draws the reader in and gets the cogs in their brain turning, evoking a sense of mystery and intrigue right from the very start!

MAIN TAKEAWAY:

⟶ The main drawback of this chapter was the descriptive writing, or lack of it. You rely more on telling rather than showing the reader what is happening which can lead to a heavy leaning on factual description rather than actions, thoughts, and feelings. It takes the reader out of the story rather than drawing them in which makes it less interesting to read and definitely impacts the overall enjoyment as well.

EXAMPLES:

"Going upstairs, he saw so many random, meaningless pictures on the walls and even an empty picture, fully black."

⟶ This isn't very descriptive and just states exactly what he's seeing without much detail. To make this more interesting to read, you could add more description about the paintings and how they make this character feel.

⟶ i.e. "As he ascended the creaking stairs, his gaze drifted to the walls, where countless bizarre images hung in disarray—each more unsettling than the last. His heart tightened at the sight of an empty frame, its void swallowing the light and leaving only an abyss of blackness. The hairs on his arms stood on end as a sense of unease slithered through him."

⟶ This goes into much more detail, not only describing what he sees but also how it makes him feel which helps to draw the reader in further and puts them into his shoes. Rather than saying it was unusual or implying it was eerie, it shows the reader that it is from the way it is described and the way it makes the character feel.

"Getting scared, he slowed his pace, making his way upstairs but way slower."

⟶ Again, the same issue here. Focus more on the why and how, not the what. Instead of what is he doing, in this case getting scared and slowing down, focus on why he is doing it and how he feels.

⟶ i.e. "A growing dread gnawed at him, causing his steps to falter. His feet felt heavy, as though he was walking through sludge. He hesitated, creeping up the stairs at a snail's pace. His breath was shallow and uneven, every creak of the wood beneath him sending a jolt through his body."

⟶ Again, this essentially says the same thing but it adds more detail. Rather than just saying he slowed down and he got scared, you show the reader that he has slowed down and that he is afraid through his actions and how he feels. 

OVERALL:

⟶ You have a really interesting plot which I think could grip a lot of readers, I just think you need to focus more on creating atmosphere within your writing to really grip the reader and draw them in.

⟶ I think the main drawback that really hindered the flow, enjoyment and intrigue of the chapter is the lack of descriptive writing, as I mentioned before. Everything is very surface-level and although the story itself shows great promise, I personally would put this book down before I reached the end of the first chapter.

⟶ Descriptive writing is really important in writing, especially when you want the reader to feel a certain way. You obviously don't want to overdo it as this can also negatively impact the flow and make it feel like a slog but make sure to try to show, not tell the reader what is happening.

⟶ There is a really nice article about using the show, don't tell technique which I found and I'd highly recommend giving it a read through because it is really helpful and can definitely better explain this than I can aha. You can find the link in the in line comments here!

Thank you Afrojarose15 for trusting me with this review, happy writing!