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⟶ The Burning Desires by author_rosalin

THE OPENING LINE:

"Me Amyra, I welcome you all to my over dramatic typical Indian family. Yes , you are right that's where I have spent my 18 years till now..."

⟶ This is a straightforward and effective opening! It immediately gives us a sense of the narrator and introduces the setting well, providing a bit of context in just a few words. It's a good start!

STRENGTHS TO BUILD ON:

⟶ One of the things that could elevate your storytelling is focusing a bit more on grammar and punctuation. While the chapter is definitely readable, a few small adjustments here and there—like checking for tense consistency and adding full stops—would help the flow. You might find a tool like Grammarly helpful for these small tweaks!

⟶ The ellipses "..." are used quite frequently, which can sometimes disrupt the story's rhythm. For instance:

"I looked outside the window.....I was going away from my family for first time....and so far....the feeling of getting separated were overwhelming me...."

⟶ Reworking this sentence could really amplify its impact and keep the flow smoother. Something like this might work well: "I looked outside the window and felt my stomach churn. I was going away from my family for the first time, and so far at that. The thought of being separated from them was overwhelming, terrifying."

TWO STARS AND A WISH:

⭐ I really like how you include both the original language and English in the dialogue. It adds a lovely authenticity and reminds readers of the cultural roots of the characters.

⭐ The little touches of humour you've added are also really great! They help capture the personality of the narrator, adding to the story's charm.

💭 For words like "chappal," while I totally understand why you include English translations to make it clear, but this does interrupt the flow and pacing of the story a little. To remedy this, I'd recommend either just using the English words, or to include a glossary at the end where you could write the meanings/translations. This is popular among writers and I myself have done something similar in my stories before!

OVERALL:

⟶ Overall, you've set up a great beginning here! The story feels authentic, and you have a cast of characters with real potential to engage readers.

⟶ I also really enjoyed the use of native words and phrases, even adding parts of the dialogue in their native language. It strongly highlights the cultural background of your characters, which is wonderful and gives your story a unique appeal. It's one of my favourite things about this chapter!

⟶ The only final suggestion would be to add a bit more description and inner dialogue. This will help readers feel more immersed in Amyra's world by giving them insight into her thoughts, emotions, and the surroundings. Instead of a list-like series of actions, a little more reflection on her feelings could enhance the flow and deepen the reader's connection to the story.

Thank you for  trusting me with this review, happy writing!