Something to win a war

t w o

When the door opened, the Senator was sitting on her bed, both hands resting next to her thighs. She looked up at me with vacant eyes. The window behind her back was wide open. The wind of the approaching storm pushed wildly through it, occasionally picking a lock of her hair up. She did not blink. I stepped in and the door closed behind me. It was dark, only the light from the new table lamp illuminated the small room.

'Why are you here Cassian?' she asked dryly.

My eyebrows furrowed slightly. I knew what she meant. And she knew I knew.

'Hope keeps me here' I replied.

'And what fuels this hope?' she blinked wearily. In the bluish light of the lamp she looked almost like a ghost.

'Strange that you're the one who's asking me that' I said, leaning back against the door. 'Mon Mothma'

'Maybe I'm not allowed?' she snapped. Her voice shook with anger.

I was stunned. The next breath she took was raspy, but by the time she spoke again, her voice went calm.

'Why are you sitting in the same place all the time? On the stone next to the canteen'

'Curiosity'

'Bullshit'

Her reaction suddenly made me forget, what I wanted to say. I needed a moment.

'From there you can see most of the base and hangar. What man wouldn't spend his free time watching ships landing and taking off?

'And I thought, you would be the one who would be honest with me' she smiled and bowed her head.

'All right' I said now angrily, and folded my arms in front of my chest. 'You're either a predator or prey in this galaxy. I've made a choice. I've become a predator to stay alive. But a predator can easily become prey if he's not careful. And a predator never leaves himself open to attack. He tries to keep most of the open space in front of him, within his field of vision. If possible, he leans his back against the wall to reduce the chance of attacks. Because the predator fears for his life aswell! And I'm afraid!' slipped out of my mouth involuntarily.

She raised her head and looked me in the eye again.

'If it makes you happy!' I retorted shaking and swallowed my next words back.

'I'm scared too' she said dazedly. 'I haven't even dared to close my eyes for a while'

I squinted to get a better look at her in the dim light. Her eyes were red indeed, but also the skin around them. She probably hadn't slept for days.

'I don't dare, because I feel as if I were dead' she began in a hushed voice, 'The darkness reminds me of too many things, and only a few of them would be enough to make me give myself up and stop being afraid. To die rather than see them again. And I cannot tell anyone this' she looked up. 'I'm alone, Cassian. I'm all alone. Even crying is only allowed at times like this. When everyone's asleep, but me' she began to sob.

I walked up to her and knelt down. Reaching under her chin, I slowly lifted her head again. Her eyes were cold again, her face calm.

'That's all the weakness I could afford, I guess. Before it turns out I'm still a human being and not a machine. You might agree'

I just stared at her for a minute. Behind her, the storm was getting louder. The wind was blowing raindrops at us. And in front of the forces of nature sat Mon Mothma, staring at me blankly, as if for the first time she was really looking deep into my eyes as nobody else before. My words just formed themselves.

'I know you get asked every day, Senator, what's the plan?' I put my hand on hers, but she pulled her away. 'What next, Senator?' I continued, and heard her swallow. 'Where's the money, Senator? What's the task? But no one ever asks you how you feel. How can you stand it and for how much longer. That's what makes you so endlessly lonely. And the fact that you're not letting your tears out now is what makes you a machine'