Through My Eyes

Let's start from the beginning

That guy in the picture is me, sure you may think I seem happy in that moment and sure as hell I was.  Though it wasn't always like that, by the way that's my dog Biscuit, I rescued him as a puppy, and he is my best friend.  Anyway, let's not get off track, I guess the best way to start this kind of thing is from the very beginning.  

I was born in March of 1991, a pisces for all you zodiac sign fans out there, when I was born, I weighed nearly 14 pounds at birth.  Guess you can't find a more beginning point then right there lol.  I was the youngest too one older sibling, by four years, but believe it or not we shared the same birthday.  

I grow up in a middle-class home, my mother had her own business, and my father worked in the trades, we weren't poor, but we certainly weren't rich, but we were comfortable.  On the outside we appeared like a perfect family, but behind a closed door we were anything but that.  That story told old as time about skeletons in your closet, well let's just say my family had plenty.  

Growing up I was never really close to anyone in my home, my older brother resented me, and both of my parents were always working.  I didn't have many friends growing up as most of the kids were older than me, so I always tried hanging out with my brother's friends.  I felt so cool to be hanging out with older kids.   Unfortunately, this were the story takes a turn for the worst.  

My older brother was abusive physically and mentally for he held something against me for God knows what reason.  My older brother was my babysitter when my parents would go out with their friends, and this is where I saw my brother's true colors.  When I was 9 and my brother was 13, he would do horrible things to me when he was supposed to be in charge while my parents were gone.  

He used to burn and brand my bare skin with the hot end of lighters when I was sleeping or when I wasn't paying attention.  He would wrap duct tape in my hair and rip it out making my scalp bleed, he would stick my face in the cat's litterbox, and then he would make take my shirt off so he could shoot me point blank with his air soft gun breaking skin and making me bleed.  He would always say he needed the target practice for hen he goes hunting.  

Still with me readers? Believe me it gets worse before it gets better and before anyone of y'all think I'm victimizing myself, well think what you want it's a free world after all but seriously go fuck yourself, because it's not what I'm doing here, I'm just setting the tone for the story of my life.  I don't need nor want your pity, okay now that my little rant there is over, let get back on track.  

One Halloween my brother and his friends were over, we watched IT for the first time and let's just say I really hate clowns, sure the movie didn't help but it was what my brother and his friends did to me.  That night one of my brother's friends had an authentic killer clown costume, so they decided to come into my room when I was sleeping, tape my hands, feet, and place a sock in my mouth tape over it and put a bag over my head.  They would take me from my bed and into the woods behind our home.  They tied me too a tree and left me there.  Mind you it was late October in the northern Midwest so needless to say it was 30 degrees at least.  What felt like hours for a young nine-year-old was probably honestly ten minutes, but I could hear footsteps approaching me from the crunches of the fallen fall leaves on the ground.  I remember they stopped right in front of me, and I felt a hand touch the top of my head removing the bag.  There stood a killer clown with a fake knife tormenting me as I could hear my brother and his friends laughing at me.   I was crying uncontrollably, I pissed myself, and I never felt pure fear like that before in my life.  My brother and his friends finally released me as I ran for my life.  I somehow found my way back to my house and I ran to my room and hid under my bed.  After a while my brother would come into my room and would tell me. "If mom and dad ever find out about this, the clown will come back and finish the job." 

Hang in there y'all stay with me please, when I was ten my mom and dad were friends with a family who had a 15-year-old son, we will name him W.  We went over to their house for dinner and after dinner our parents would drink and my brother and W would go up to his room to hang out, I of course not having any friends and wanting to feel like I was cool and belong somewhere, so I followed.  Little did I know this would be the beginning of something bad about to happen to me that would haunt me for years of my life.  We go into W's room where he closes the door and says I got something to show you, he put a VHS to play on the tv and it was hardcore porn.  Being ten I somewhat knew what I was watching.  W and my brother told me to stand up and asked if I liked what I was watching, trying to be cool I said yeah.  W asked if I ever had a boner, not knowing what that was I just wanted to fit in, so I said yeah to that as well.  W told me to pull down my pants and measure my penis and do it in front of them, so they knew I wasn't lying about my measurements.  W tossed me a tape measure, for some reason my brother grabs a playboy and went into W's closet, so he didn't see what was about to happen.  I pulled my pants down and measured, W said no Ben that's not a boner and told me to come lay next to him in his bed under the covers with him.  So, I did, he grabbed my hand and placed it on his erection and told me that this was a boner.  He made me stroke it a few times with his hand as I began to cry.  W let go of my hand and told me to start crying and said if I told anyone about this, he would kill me and that no one would believe me anyways. 

Why would no one believe me you ask, well because of the abuse from my brother and every nasty thing he did to me, he used fear to keep his actions hidden.  You see my brother would tell my parents that I put the duct tape in my hair and that I burned myself, making it seem like I was out of control as a young child and my parents believed it.  Of course, I just wanted to feel like I belonged and had friends so I would do everything my brother ever told me to do.  I truly walked alone.  I guess that's why I listen to boulevard of broken dreams, and it reminds me of these moments.  Next entry I'll talk about the things my parents did, to be continued....