What I need | Billie Eilish

Thirteen

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Selina knocked on the old wooden door, a place she hated visiting. Each visit dredged up painful memories she wished she could forget.

When no one answered, she used her key. The moment she stepped inside, the acrid smell of booze hit her. The clutter and disarray of the room were unchanged from a month ago.

She approached the couch where her father sat, beer in hand. "Here's the money for this month," she said, tossing the cash beside him.

He straightened up and began counting. "This is several hundred short," he said, finally meeting her gaze.

"Had some troubles at work," she snapped, glancing around the filthy room. "You're lucky to get anything at all with how shitty you live."

"And you keep coming back, hoping that money will somehow make up for killing your brother."

Selina's fists clenched, and she took a deep breath, trying to control her anger. "It was a mistake, and I'll carry that guilt for the rest of my life. But how dare you use it against me when I work so hard to support both of us!"

"You want pity? I wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for you. Get out of my house—I can't stand to look at you anymore."

Selina stood there, stunned. His words were painfully familiar, but they stung more each time. She despised him with every fiber of her being, but the grief over her brother's death was a burden she could never shake. He had been her favorite person, and she felt responsible for his absence.

On the verge of leaving, she took a deep breath to steady herself. "The least you could do is visit his grave."

Selina spent the afternoon at her brother's grave, feeling the weight of her guilt with every passing moment. Anger at herself, at her father, and at life consumed her. When she returned to her apartment, she reached for a drink, seeking solace in the numbing embrace of alcohol.

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Billie was busy packing up her belongings, preparing to move back to her house that day. She noticed that Selina was missing when she woke up, and Selina hadn't left any word about her whereabouts. Typically, either Alyssa or Selina would inform her if they would be away for a while, but no one seemed to know where Selina was.

Billie wondered if Selina had been upset about the moment they shared last night. They had shared a few such moments, which were starting to create a problem that Billie wanted to address. The attraction between them was undeniable; her mind might have been telling her no, but every fiber of her being screamed yes.

Reluctant to intrude if Selina was simply busy, Billie tried calling her, but there was no answer. An hour later, with no response, Alyssa's frustration began to show.

"She should have let me know she'd be gone this long!" Alyssa complained.

"Maybe her phone died," Billie suggested, trying to cover for Selina.

Remembering that Selina's friend Alex had exchanged numbers with her, Billie sent a text asking if Alex knew where Selina might be. Her phone buzzed shortly after, with Alex replying that it wasn't her place to say, but today was a day of mourning for Selina. Alex suggested Billie might find her at her apartment.

Confused but growing increasingly worried, Billie drove to Selina's apartment. She noticed the door was ajar, which was unusual for Selina. Anxiety mounted as Billie gently pushed the door open and stepped inside, noting a hole in the hallway wall.

As she entered the kitchen, she saw bottles of alcohol scattered across the floor. She bent to pick one up when a voice startled her.

"Billie? What are you doing here?" Selina's voice was soft yet firm.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to snoop. I was worried when you didn't show up this morning so I came here," Billie blurted out.

Selina didn't reply immediately. She sank onto the couch, clutching another bottle. Billie approached slowly and stood across from her. "Are you okay?"

Selina's eyes met Billie's with a pain that was palpable but hard to decipher. "My brother... he's dead," she said, turning her eyes away to conceal her sorrow.

Billie moved closer and kneeled in front of Selina. "I'm so sorry. I'm here if you need anything." She had never known Selina had a brother; now she understood why he had never been mentioned before.

Selina looked at her longingly. "Can we have sex now?"

Billie felt a flush rise to her cheeks. "No, not right now."

Selina's face fell with sadness. "But I have dreams about it. We're on the bed, and you-"

Billie cut her off, placing a gentle hand over Selina's mouth. She could tell Selina was drunk, and she had no intention of taking advantage of her state. Trying to mask her own flustered state, Billie suggested, "Let's go to the bedroom, and maybe we can talk about it later."

"Will you stay?" Selina asked, her voice tinged with vulnerability.

Billie hesitated but finally nodded. "Yes."

She helped Selina to her feet, supporting her as they made their way to the bedroom. Billie felt a pang of sympathy for the brunette.

Once Selina collapsed onto the bed, Billie noticed blood dripping from her hand. "What happened to your hand?"

"I punched the wall." Selina shrugged, saying it nonchalantly as if it was the most normal thing she'd ever done.

Billie's heart plummeted into her stomach. She knew that the walls on the roof were all concrete, but what was more worrisome was the thought of her drunk friend stories high in the air. And she found herself cursing Alex for not being with her.

As Selina settled into bed, Billie went to fetch a bag of ice and some alcohol to clean the wound.

"I thought you said you weren't leaving," Selina said, sounding a bit hurt.

"I'm grabbing ice."

"Ok," the brunette blew out, "we can have sex when you get back."

Billie rolled her eyes.

When Billie returned, she found Selina asleep on her side, her injured hand resting flat on the bed. Billie gently lifted Selina's hand and, using a towel soaked in rubbing alcohol, carefully cleaned her hand and arm where the blood had dried. The fact that Selina remained completely unresponsive to the sting of the alcohol showed just how deeply she was out of touch with the world.

Billie moved to place the bag of ice on her knuckles and walked around to the other side of the bed where she decided to sit and watch her. She contemplated leaving. She knew it was what she should do—the choice sober Selina would have preferred. She survived the evening but she doubted a sober Selina would be so kind.

But Selina had asked her to stay, and Billie had found herself wanting to. So despite her better judgement she slept beside her.

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Sorry for the short chapter but the next one will probably be long