Addictive Pain

Chapter 1 - New Beginnings

Pain, that's all I ever feel. A pain that's greater than any suspected injury or harm. I don't know what to do anymore. It all started with a simple date on a July evening. The heat of the early evening was stifling but I was excited, so excited because from his pictures and the many voice notes we sent I thought yes, I've finally found the person who will be my cornerstone. A feeling I hadn't had in years, a feeling that felt like my body was singing.

Back to the July evening, I wore a black mini dress and my black Louboutin's, revealing far too much leg but I was feeling confident mixed with a little nerves. As i sat in the car park, waiting for my Lord to arrive I couldn't help but wonder why he was late, but, I pushed feelings of another stand up to the side. Soon after I saw his car pulling into the car park and my body sang. My whole body started to vibrate and I thought yes, this is it. We got out of our cars and by god did he look glorious, in a shit and jeans. So understated yet it told me that I needed to know.

"Hey" he said in his well spoken, posh accent, with a smile that was blinding.

"Hey, good to see you" I said as we hugged. He had a glorious clean scent washing over me, soothing me in ways I hadn't felt in a very long time long time.

I should mention, the last relationship I'd had was with a catfish who'd convinced me to fly to Germany to marry him and start a new life with him. I went out there with no intention of ever seeing my friends and family again. Spoiler alert, he didn't show.

Back to the evening of magic - I don't remember what we spoke about - nothing and yet everything. We spoke of dreams and titles and anarchy and by god did my body and mind feel at peace. The way in which he instantly calmed my nerves was something straight out of a novel. Had I found my Mr. Dracy? I told myself to stop overthinking all of this and be in the moment. I should probably mention that I'm transgender, which had made dating a little difficult but nothing my looks couldn't overcome. I'm in no way gorgeous but I also didn't have any troubles getting men. But, someone who looked as drop dead gorgeous as he did. Looks and charm of a God. Don't get me wrong, I'm not so shallow as to only go for men based only on looks, personally, I'd rather go for someone with a 10/10 personality rather than 10/10 looks with no personality. However, he was the best of both worlds. His dark curly hair fell into his pale face and by god did he look like an angel, ironically he always called me angel.

As we walked and talked about anything and everything, I couldn't help but be in owe of him. The way the setting sun hit his beautiful skin and the way the gentle breeze hit his hair was something glorious to behold. Me on the other hand looked like a harassed rat. My feet were already starting to hurt and we had't even made it to the restaurant yet. Luckily it was a brief walk and we soon got there, what we spoke about i really don't remember, I think i was just too nervous and in owe of him to properly think.

"What do you want to eat" he asked me casually. I was (and still am) a raging anorexic so that snapped me out of my daze.

"Urm, I'm not sure yet. I'll probably had a kids chicken ramen." He raised a perfectly arched eyebrow at me. I shouldn't have found that as sexy as I did. In all honesty it made my underwear want to fall off.

"So, tell me a bit about yourself" he asked politely. I always hated that question - there was so much I could say but most of the truth is negative.

"Well, I'm 24, I used to work in finance but packed it in a while ago" I replied praying that it was enough... But of course it wasn't

"I already know all of that" he replied "tell me something I don't"

"I love sucking dick" I blurted out before thinking. His eyes went wide and I couldn't help but blush furiously and laugh. "Sorry that's probably way too much information."