Addictive Pain

Chapter 2 - You want what now?

Needless to day, I did hear from him again, in fact that very night he sent me a message saying how wonderful it was to see me and that he would like to do it again sometime soon. I naturally was over the moon.  I knew I didn't love him just yet but I knew that I'd started to have feelings.  The kind of butterflies that prevent you from sleeping because you were so happy yet nervous with how things are turning out. Happy / nervous butterflies... that's a thing right? I feel like it is and if not I feel like it should be...

He was working all week and I had all the free time in the world. Which naturally meant that I was hanging onto my phone, wishing and hoping for a message or call. When I did get a message my heart would flip in my chest and come straight through to my mouth. It's an odd feeling when that happens, don't you think? Like in many other circumstances a rapid heartbeat and a pounding chest would be means of an emergency yet in this situation it was a glorious feeling and one that I didn't like to shy away from.

I never shy'd away from what I was feeling, I took it all in both the good and the bad, the joy yet also the anxiety. I honestly felt that I would loose him many many times but he stayed and reassured me when I was nervous. He was truly the perfect gentleman and I found myself constantly feeling lucky and in owe of him and his way of making everyone so comfortable.  He didn't not have flaws, on the contrary he in his own way was also a little fucked up and had his own demons. That didn't mean that my affections diminished. To me I saw an amazing young man who was fighting his own fight and battling each and every day. It made me adore him even more. The way he was so calm and collected I knew (as only someone with mental health problems will know) that it was sort of a front but was also a way to cope. I knew and still do know that feeling and I get how hard it is to keep that front up. I never pushed too hard, afraid that my intentions would come across as too strong because the truth is, even then, having only felt just once I felt the overwhelming urge to nurture and protect him.  I knew he didn't need it but I still wanted  to help in any way I could. I knew about some of the things going on in his life and my heart broke for each and every one of those reasons. I guess I was getting attached way too quickly but at the same time I wasn't going to shy away from him and the feelings I had. I would always be truthful with him even when it caused my heart to break. But, I still cherish and adored every message and call.  I found myself very quickly smiling all the time and feeling a sense of happiness that I hadn't fully felt in many years. He showed me there was a way to see the world that wasn't so black and white but was in colour and each and every day the world got a bit more vivid. Laughter started coming from me that wasn't forced, smiles came that weren't faked and even my relationship with my parents became more tolerable as i just shrugged the dead naming, misgendering and comments off my shoulders all because he gave me hope. That isn't to say I didn't hide certain aspects of my life from him but at the same time I was more open to him than I'd been to anyone in a very long time, all after just one date.

When he asked me out the following weekend I couldn't not say yes, I was over the moon as I'd wished on the stars for this to happen.  We both put ideas out there of what we wanted to do.  He suggested that he came to my village and we did something. I vetoed that idea because there was literally nothing to do but drink coffee and look in a few charity shops. In all honesty I don't remember who came up with the idea but we decided to go to a town about an hours drive for each of us that is full of antique shops.  I wasn't working at the time so I didn't have a fortune to spend but we settled on the idea.

The closer and closer we got to the date the more and more nervous I became. By the Friday I had all but talked myself into cancelling and going MIA. My parents thought that was a bit of an over reaction (standard for me) but talked me into going on the date. I never did tell him that and I wish I had, maybe it would have changed how he saw them in the long run. I planned my outfit for days, trying get the perfect look that would compliment his. In the end i settled for black ripped jeans (i know), a shirt that tied up at the bottom to show off a little more skin (i think) and my studded Jeffrey Campbell Lita's.

The day finally came and by God was I nervous, I hadn't felt this way in years and years. The last time I felt that way was when I met my long term Ex T (That's a whole other book). It was a hot summers day and I had done my hair and makeup perfectly, wanting to give myself no excuse to not look my best. I drove to the town in my bare feet because if you know Lita's you know you cant drive in them safely. I took a few wrong turns (I've always hated driving places I don't know) but made it there about 5 minutes late. I pulled my Mini into the car park and saw him in his car waiting for me and I instantly began nervous sweating (I know, I know, sexy as fuck). Once I had blasted the A/C for a few minutes and had a mini anxiety attack I got out of my care and met him at the parking machine (side note, criminal charging). We hugged me and his aftershave was more intoxicating than I had remembered.

"Good to see you again, you look amazing" he said with a hint of sexiness to his voice. my underwear nearly fell off yet again (Still don't know how he had that effect on me)

"Thank you" I said a tad breathlessly "you look incredible". We both blushed, clearly visible against our pale skin. He took my by the and and led me back to my car where I dropped off my parking ticket. It was already a stifling hot day and we decided to get a cold drink to cool us down. I had coke, he had water (I think). Neither of us had an alcoholic drink as we were both driving plus he didn't drink.

After we felt a bit cooler we started antique shopping, for hours and hours we dived into different shops. Looking at everything from swords to armour, to books, to typewriters (I'd always wanted one) to vinyl record players. All the while he held my hand and I felt like I had an electric current going through my hand, especially when he'd notice that I was overthinking something and would give my hand a little squeeze.

In one antique book shop I had a sudden fright when he moaned in delight at a book he had found. It was what he thought to be a first edition German copy of 'Mein Kampf' by the despicable Adolf Hitler. It was for sale for roughly £400.00. I voiced my outrage as to why anyone would want that genocidal evil monster's book. He calmly explain that of course the book is vial and has no place in modern society but rather that he's a big history buff and has a lot of books about history and written by the good and bad people of history. I still to this day don't understand why he wanted it but I can understand the historical side of is (read, not really). He then went and rang his mum to see what she thought. In the end he didn't buy the book (much to my happiness) and grabbed some important law books instead. I left that shop feeling a little bit weirded out but I shoved it to the back of my mind.

It was late afternoon by the time we had finished shopping. For once in my life I didn't buy anything on a shopping trip (I'm a shopaholic at heart) but I was on a budget that day and nothing really took my fancy.  Don't get me wrong I think antiques are amazing and beautiful but I just didn't see anything that I fell in love with.  We soon found ourselves in a pub with a waitress that said "you look like such cute and well dressed couple" I all but died. We sat in the beer garden drinking soft drinks and talking about anything and everything. We'd decided to sit in the shade as he was super heat sensitive and had a bit of a migraine. He did suggest that we go back to my parents ( I lived with them back then) to watch a movie but they annoyingly said no because they were out at lunch and the lounges were both a mess as we were having the kitchen renovated (thanks for cock blocking me guys). We spoke about everything and anything, he let me in to some of the pain in his life and by god did that break my heart (yes I know i say 'by god' a lot). I in turn let him into some of the pain of my past. There were no judgements on either side and I felt honoured that he felt comfortable letting me in, in the way he made me feel comfortable to share.

Soon we had to call it an afternoon as once again the parking meter had expired (fuck you again car parks). But, for a short while we sat in his car with the A/C blasting and i truly felt at peace, maybe it was the comfort of the cool air but i like to think of it as the comfort that being around him gave me. We parted ways then, each driving in  different directions but both with fondness in their hearts.

Little did I know that a few days later my life would change forever.