Addictive Pain

Chapter 9 - The fright of My Life

As the days hours turned into days, the days turned into week and the weeks started to turn into months, Tom was still there. Every achievement and every goal he was there cheering me on, supporting me and caring for me (mind you we still hadn't met). He was a true gem and could do no wrong. I started to view the Lord as this long forgotten nightmare. It was as if I had detached myself from all the hurt and pain he caused me but, by forgetting that I started to view things out of rose coloured lenses. In my own way I had started to feel at peace with what had happened. Partly this was due to the therapy but also I think I had to forget the bad in order to survive. Yes, I still had my bad days where I'd wake up feeling lost and scared but that's just because my injuries isolated me from seeing people. Right? Yes, I still had nightmares of fights where I would wake up shaking, sweating and alone, but that was okay because I had Tom. I'd found my new constant. My reason to keep on fighting because by God, I would have given up a long, long time before if it wasn't for him. Again, I didn't treat him fairly because ultimately my heart belonged to another, but, over time Tom brought down my barriers, he brought down my levels of panic, he showed me that there are guys who will stay no matter what and not just because of nudes or phone sex (we never did either) but because there are genuinely good people out there.

One day in mid to late December 2022 I was enjoying a nice relaxing bath whilst on the phone (audio) with Tom. By this point Tom had cheered me on as I conquered the stairs, as my room was moved back upstairs, as I threw myself into physiotherapy. I knew, as did he, that I'd never get to 100% but more like 60-70% better but Tom didn't mind, all he cared about was making me feel safe and happy. Overtime I did start to feel safe with him and I really did start to feel happy talking with him.

Back to the bath, so there I was enjoying the comfort that I always got from a nice bath and enjoying the conversations that Tom and I were having when suddenly I hear a familiar custom text tone that I had for the Lord. My heart sank and I began to panic. I had an Aura and I knew, I just knew that a seizure was coming.

He was back.

I quickly said goodbye to Tom, I might of even told him I was about to have a seizure, I don't really remember. He never questioned me or tried to stop me, I think he knew the panic before I had time to fully process what was going on. I got out of the bath as quickly as my fucked body would let me and I hobbled to my bedroom. Once there, I began the breathing exercises that I knew would help me calm down. Thank Christ I didn't seize but, in all honesty, I don't know or remember how much time passed before I was calm enough to get dressed and walk downstairs. I saw my parents sat in the Kitchen and the panic started rising again. I walked as quickly as I could and showed them the message he had sent me. It was a simple "Hi, How are you?" Or something along those lines. My parents berated me for not having him blocked which only made my panic and anxiety and fear even worse, in that moment I needed them to tell me that everything was going to be fine. I was petrified that he'd come to the house and demand to speak to me (a guy had done that before and to a lesser extent the Lord had done that when I had my accident). I was terrified because he had pictures and videos of me in inappropriate positions and god forbid he sent them to anyone. I was scared of just the thought of him. I explained all of this to my parents in a jumble of half screams and mortification. I mean, what parents want's to hear about their daughter sending nudes.... But, I think my parents sensed my panic and they did reassure me, they told me it was all going to be okay, that if he came round they would call the police (there had been talk of a restraining order in hospital as well but I'd always said a hard NO to that) and that we all knew he wasn't going to send around revenge porn. Of course with hindsight I knew he would never but that didn't stop the panic in the moment that he would. My parents ultimate advise was to block him and move on but... being the sucker for punishment I am, I went upstairs and replied. I was blunt and to the point, I said that I was "fine thank you, I hope you're well too" and he responded that he was. I could already see myself getting hooked into him again so I did what I did best, I shoved him in archived on read and effectively ghosted him.

The next week was me living in constant fear, I even slept with my iPad on so I could be alerted by the security cameras if anyone pulled up. An alert would go off and I'd immediately ring Tom to help calm me down. Day or night he was there.  There were times that the cameras would pick up movements at 3am - it would only be a fox or a cobweb but I would still panic.  The Lord never showed and as the weeks went on, I started to feel calmer and calmer. I really don't know what inspired me to do this but one day in January 2023 I sent the Lord a message. I had screenshotted one of the messages that I had sent him whilst I was in hospital. A message that I still have (but can't publish because it would reveal why we fought) but that was me begging for him to come back to me. He replied that he had not as "you deleted the message". I had not or I wouldn't still have it on my messages, typical that he blamed me rather than just admitting that he'd blocked me on EVERYTHING. But, I was too scared to argue with him so I just said okay. I didn't have it in me to fight anymore. I didn't have it in me to stay away. I didn't have it in me to hold anything against him. When Tom first started talking to me I was a husk of a girl. I was a mess but he brought me back to sanity so, why couldn't I be furious at the Lord? Why couldn't I be scared as the texts went on? Why couldn't I be rational and logic?

Because I was still in love with him,