Addictive Pain

Chapter 10 - The End of Something That Never Started

As time went on the Lord and I spoke more and more. We spoke of our differences, our dreams, us. The us that never was. The us that never could me. In those early days he was the most wonderful support. More than Tom ever had the chance to be for ultimately as my heart belonged to the Lord. Don't get me wrong, the idea of meeting up with him terrified me. I promised myself that I wouldn't fall, I told myself time and time again that it was Tom I wanted. It was Tom who had been there for me. It was Tom that I should be feelings for. Right? So, why was it that I felt myself drifting from Tom? I felt more and more distance growing between us as I spoke more to the Lord. The lord started to make me feel special, wanted, valued, appreciated, supported but above all safe.

Tom had made me feel all of those things in abundance. When I was having dramas with Doc (my best friend) Tom was the one I turned to. I turned to him for everything. I was so incredibly lucky to have him in my life and I always appreciated him. Right? Or... did I use him as an agony aunt? He was reliable, stable and nice so why couldn't I shake the Lord? No one in my life liked the Lord, in fact everyone hated him for leaving me at my worst but also for destroying me in the process. But he was back. The Lord had my back again and it felt right. By God did it feel right. We briefly discussed how things had been left between the two of us but in all honesty I was too terrified to talk about it and trigger him into leaving again. So, I guess there was a part of me that didn't feel entirely safe, a part of me that could never fully trust him. I began slowly undoing all my therapist work (we had finished talking back in December 2022), I started to see him as the charming and amazing man he was, nothing like the monster I believed him to be whilst I was in therapy. Maybe it was all of the drugs that I was on whilst I was in therapy that made me think all of those thoughts. Maybe it was someone coercing my mind into thinking of him as this abusive arse who wanted nothing more than to destroy me. In all honesty, I don't know but what I did know was that he was back and it felt right, like something lost had been found, like my foundations had finally settled after being unstable for months.

But

The Lord ruined me, he destroyed me, he fucked me over in a way that no one else ever had. I still couldn't help but welcome him back with open arms. It's hard to describe the way I felt every time he messaged me, it was like my heart was doing a cartwheels. I found myself quickly falling harder and harder. Like my my body had been thrown into the air and I couldn't stop the impact. But, what about Tom? He was kind and nice. He supported me talking to Jack as just a friend because that's all it was right? Just friendly messages of "I'm thinking of you" or "I miss you" or "I can't wait to see you" or "you've been on my mind all day". In all honesty it was a total mind fuck. The Lord said that he wasn't ready to date anyone but rather wanted to be friends and maybe a little on the side. I've always had a strict NO friends with benefits rule because someone always caught feelings, but for him, I was ready to risk my heart breaking even further just to be with him.

In the end I rang Tom and said I thought it better if we just stayed friends only because "I'm too busy to meet with all my rehab". Tom understood and i think he knew that deep down I was still in the cycle with the Lord and there was really nothing he could do. I've often felt terrible and guilty for the way I used Tom as a crutch. He deserved so so much better and he found it later on with someone else which I think is wonderful and I'm beyond proud of him. The Lord truly had entered my life again but not in a gentle way but rather like a meteor crashing into me. With every compliment, with every message I felt the familiar ties that bound me to him getting stronger and stronger. I had many fights with my parents over the Lord. They hated that we were back on speaking terms, they hated how he started to change my mind on certain topics, how he started to turn me against my mum. I spent many hours talking to my dad about "this problem" or "the Lord is going through this... what do I do?" Or "the Lord said this about mum's fight with me, is he right". My dad was a tad more understanding and entertained the conversations to an extent. He still wasn't onboard but he knew that I needed an outlet and he was amazing at listening and chipping in when needed. My Mum on the other hand refused point blank to hear anything about the Lord, she hated how he spoke about her and how he judged her having never met her. To an extent I could see why she thought that but I still defended him by saying "well, he can only go off what I told him". I blamed myself a lot for that, if I hadn't have told him the bad he could never have weaponised it again me and my family. I did tell him the good but maybe I didn't emphasise it enough? Maybe I didn't tell him about all the progress mum had made with me whilst I was in hospital (but how could I? He'd blocked me)? I knew it was on me that he judged my mum in the way that he did and I have to live with that guilt every day. I have to live with the thoughts of this is on me and my parents don't like him because of me that they hate him. I will have to live with that burden for the rest of my life, I will always have a guilty conscience over how he reacted to my mum.

The Lord was there for the highs and lows this time. He supported me and helped me overcome many things. Yes, he'd missed some enormous milestones but he was here now and to me that was all that counted. Soon Tom sadly seemed like a distant memory because I had my Lord back. He was back and I wasn't going to let him go. He was and is my everything. My world didn't feel right without him in it but when he came back by God it felt like the sun was shining just for me. With every message he made me feel more and more like the stars and moon were something he built in his tool shed just for me. He made me feel glorious and proud. Proud of myself and proud and comfortable in my own skin.

I was diagnosed with anorexia when I wad 14 and struggled all throughout my teens with it. Whilst I was in my hospital bed I couldn't do the 'rexi olympics in my bed. I wasn't strong enough and the pain was too much. When I got home I figured I could do them again, but nope wasn't an option. I was on a weight gaining diet and even had drinks that would help me gain weight. I don't tell you this for any other reason than - The Lord accepted me at a healthy weight, he was happy that I was being healthy and he encouraged me to be healthier and make healthier choices. But... In my head i always saw it as he liked me when I was thin but not when I'm healthy so, I should do better for him and loose the weight. It was a real mind fuck that still haunts me to this day. I will always try to be thinner to get his affection back. That's the message that's reinforced into my head every time I decide to eat - whether that's 24 hours, 48 hours or sometimes even 72 hours. I fast to get thinner to get his affections back. No, I would never blame anyone other than myself for my anorexia but he really hasn't helped the situation.

I fell harder and faster than ever before. In what felt like no time he had my heart again and was my constant. He was my everything again and by God did I love that man. I started to put all my love life on hold just in the hope that one day he's feel like a relationship or that I would get to the thinness to attract him again. I'm not saying he didn't want fun, because he really did, but I wanted him in the way I deep down knew he would never want me in the way I wanted him. He wasn't capable of love but that didn't stop me from trying my best to get him to that point. Not in a manipulative way but rather an encouragement and just be there no matter what kind of way. He really was my everything and I tried, by God did I try, to get him to see me in the same light. With every message I sent I was silently begging for him to come back to me and to try to be the amazing boyfriend I knew he could be.

But he did not, he was semi instant that it was just friends with fun on the side. Don't get me wrong I was insistent that I didn't do friends with benefits and to be fair to him, he respected that and never pushed or pressured me into anything. That was until I saw him...