Addictive Pain

Chapter 3 - The Day that Changed My Life Forever

I'm rather lucky in many ways, I've lost the memories that followed of from my last date with him.  Some people (including him) say that I had been fighting with my mother a lot over my gender / transition. Other people say that things at home had been good, not brilliant (as they never truly were) but good.  I'll never know the full truth as I can't bring back those memories.  All I do know for a fact is that on the 4th August 2022 I was meant to be job hunting with the help of diazepam.  I was prescribed it to take the edge away from my anxiety (anxiety is a BITCH - if it's capitalised you know it must be true). The gorgeous Lord had been invited over for the following weekend to come and watch a movie at my parents and all was right in the world. He'd had a very close family loss and my heart broke for him so, being the person I am, I just wanted to wrap him up and never let time go.

My parents had gone up to London to stay in our property there and I had the house to myself. I loved when this happened because I could walk around naked, not actually do any job hunting and just chill with some Netflix. But at the same time I would get lonely.  On the 4th August 2022 I apparently decided to take all 10mg of my diazepam at once. The rest is still a blur so I'll have to say what I've been told. I took the 10mg and it sort of messed me up. I decided in my infinite wisdom to send him two of my spicy videos (most likely regretted my life choices immediately). Sadly I don't have those messages anymore so I have no clue how it properly went down.  All i remember is waking up in hospital.

Again, I need to stress, I don't remember a thing so I can only go off what was told to me.  I decided, having taken the diazepam, to get in my car and drive over to see him and be there for him. I know for a fact that all I wanted to do was support and be there for him. Little did I know how much worse I'd make the situation for him.  At approximately 21:00 and approximately 310 yards away from my house, I crashed my car head on into a tree.  We'll never be able to fully know if it was a suicide attempt or if it was a freak accident. I think some people do think I was trying to off myself whereas others believe it was a freak accident. As for where I stand, I honestly have no idea.  For all I know, there could have been a witness who sped off.  Luckily, a couple heard the crash and came running out to find me in my car, the car slightly on fire and me not being responsive to anything. The emergency services were called immediately. When the ambulance arrived I was quickly intubated and had a GCS of 3. I was well and truly fucked. They prepared for me to not make it and I nearly didn't. My vitals crashed and it was thanks to one of the amazing paramedics that I survived - he refused to give up on me (side note, I wish there was a way I could thank him). They assessed me for injuries before I was air ambulanced to Kings College Hospital in London.

Whilst this was all going on, the police had shut the road and began asking the few neighbours we had if they knew my family and could get ahold of them.  The police thought I was my mother as I had breast tissue but one of the neighbours said it couldn't possibly be my mum as she's in London. Then the penny dropped and he rang his son, who was dating my families best friend's daughter.  Word soon spread and soon enough my sister found out and met the family friends by the road. My sister was allowed in and spoke to the police. She had already been in contact with my parents and she told them that I had been air ambulanced to Kings. She immediately wanted to go up and support my parents. My parents turned her down as they would be waiting for me at the hospital. I'll eternally be ashamed at what I put my parents and our friends through on that night. Suicide or not it was unforgivable and I have to live with that guilt each and every day.

Back to me (this is after all my book and I'm a selfish twat) I crashed again in the helicopter but a part from that it was I've been told an uneventful ride (I think, I was out cold).  I was soon at the hospital and was sent in immediately to be stabilised. I was pumped full of ketamine and was unresponsive (GCS of 3 remember...). After I'd been stabilised and put in a coma. My parents were told the list of injuries I had;