Best Dad Jokes
Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
My girlfriend keeps accusing me of cheating. She's starting to sound like my wife.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.
Did you hear about the actor who broke his leg onstage? He's still in the cast.
How do you get a country girl’s attention? A tractor.
What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company? Monkey business.
Why did the pharmacist walk on her tiptoes? She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.
I wanted to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn't find any.
Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.
I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.
I had a date last night and it was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a fig.
What did the police officer say to his belly-button? You’re under a vest.
My wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall” to her. I said "Maybe..."
What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea.
What do you call a naughty lamb dressed up like a skeleton for Halloween? Baaad to the bone.
Why did the lobster blush? Because it saw the ocean's bottom!
Want to know why nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.
What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.
What did Tennessee? The same thing as Arkansas.
My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.
Why do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out.
What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird.
What’s the most detail-oriented ocean? The Pacific.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.
How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? By the bark.
My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.
Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.
Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
When does a joke become a “dad joke?” When it becomes apparent.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.
Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.
What do you call 26 letters that went for a swim? Alphawetical.
What’s the name of a very polite, European body of water? Merci.
Why was the color green notoriously single? It was always so jaded.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
I want to make a brief joke, but it’s a little cheesy.
Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback.
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
Why did the bedding hide their relationship? They just wanted something pillow-key!
You’re American when you go into a bathroom and when you come out, but what are you while you’re in the bathroom? European.
I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines. But catscan.
What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose.
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What does "Rockin' Robin" do when she's bored? Tweet.
I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Why did Waldo go to therapy? Because he needed to find himself.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies? Bring out the doggy paddle.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.
What's a crafty dancer's favorite hobby? Cutting a rug.
How does a penguin build his house? Igloos it together.
What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.
Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school.
What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.
Why is cold water so insecure? Because it’s never called hot.
