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April 15, 2022
I cried at my sleep the night before. Nang magising ako ay nahihimbing pa ang mga kasama ko. Maingat akong kumilos at lumabas ng bahay.
Makulimlim. Naglakad ako mula sa tinutuluyan namin papuntang dalampasigan. Kakaunti pa lang ang mga tao at kaagad akong umupo sa buhanginan para tanawin ang dagat at damhin ang preskong hangin.
I mindlessly sat there. And then suddenly a thought emerged in my mind as I stared at the strong waves... Paano kung lumusong ako sa dagat at huwag nang bumalik?
Naglaro sa isip ko ang ideya na 'yon habang nakaupo at nakatulala sa dagat. Walang makakapansin dahil mag-isa lang ako at tulog pa ang mga kasama ko.
That was the first time I passively thought of losing myself.
During those times I felt like I had nothing to hold on to, no more dreams, hope, and future.
Everything seemed meaningless.
'Yung pakiramdam na parang hindi naman siguro ako kailangan ng mundo.
Thankfully, I had no will to do it. And thankfully, two of my companions arrived. They had no idea what I was planning to do.
Kung makakapag-time travel nga ako ay baka batukan ko 'yung sarili ko noon. It was selfish of me to have that kind of thought. Hindi ko man lang inisip ang mga mahal ko sa buhay lalo na 'yung pamilya ko na naghihintay sa bahay.
Akala ko kilala ko na ang sarili ko, pero nagulat din ako dahil hindi ko sukat akalain na maiisip ko ang bagay na 'yon. Before, I always believe in "mind over matter" concept.
Pero siguro nga pinaranas sa'kin ang ganoong pakiramdam para magkaroon ng pang-unawa sa mga taong nakararanas din ng mas malalang kawalan ng pag-asa sa buhay.
Gano'n pala ang pakiramdam ng wala ng "will to live" na karaniwan ko lang naririnig na running joke noon sa mga kaibigan at kaklase ko. Hindi pala biro lang ang totoong pakiramdam ng walang "will to live".
Gladly, I still had the discernment during those times to not believe that thought. I held on to my identity as someone who would never think of taking her own life.
Still holding on, I didn't give up looking for help.
And hope found me.
May 5, 2024
I found myself in the same situation again.
When I left my first "home church", I felt hopeless, lost, and confused.
I felt outcasted, rejected, and abandoned. And I found myself asking God, why would people from church hurt me like this?
Pagod na pagod na akong sisihin 'yung sarili ko. Nakakapagod ding manlimos ng pang-unawa. Maybe... maybe this is all my fault... Maybe I'm too much to handle. Maybe I'm not worthy of understanding... Maybe it was better for me to be ditched and kicked out.
And everything seemed meaningless again...especially when no one reached out when no one tried to sit down and share vulnerability without blaming too much.
Like Elijah the prophet, I told the Lord, "Kunin mo na lang ako."
Hindi ko alam kung bakit parang nawalan na naman ako ng purpose. Or maybe I was just conditioned back then that when you leave a church, you are a rebel spirit, or that you don't love God enough.
Iyon ang mga naisip ko noon. It was a dark place to be in your mind full of self-condemnation.
I know that was not from God.
God would never hurt me like this.
But I realized that sometimes He's allowing such heartbreak for a reason... a reason that I would never understand.
But looking back, somehow, I get why it all happened, because it's all for GOOD.
Today, I am writing this to you... to let you know... that I'm alive.
That I survived.
That I am writing, creating, laughing wholeheartedly, and living again.
And it's all because of God's grace and faithfulness.
Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam kung paano sisimulan ang memoir na 'to. Ayoko naman kayong ma-bore sa biography ng buhay ko mula pagkabata kaya hangga't maaari ay gagawin ko 'to sa paraan na maaabot ko ang puso mo sa pamamagitan nang pagbabahagi ko sa'yo ng damdamin ko.
Napakabuti ng Diyos sa buhay ko. At nais kong ipabatid na ang Diyos na iyon ay ang Diyos din na nagmamahal sa'yo.
With all the things that happened, when everything seemed meaningless, I can testify that God can be found even in the darkest moments of our lives. He never left me.
And you too, my dear friend, He never left you.
Sa mga pagkakataon na ikaw na lang ang gising at humihikbi tuwing gabi, sa pagpipigil mo ng mga luha at pagsakit ng iyong lalamunan, huwag lang kumawala ang impit... Nakita at narinig Niya lahat.
Sa bawat luhang pumapatak na ikaw lang ang nakakita, Siya lang ang pumapahid at yumayakap sa'yo sa gitna ng kadiliman. Iyan ang Diyos na kilala ko, at ang pangalan niya ay Jesus.
Jesus left the 99 to FIND ME, over and over again.
When I experienced betrayal from a friend, I had this question... "Why do bad things happen to good people?" but it was blunt for me to claim that I am a "good person".
But I'm not. We are all fallen and all sinful. I am not good. I fell short.
And maybe... I deserve those hurts and pain. I deserve death.
But that's not the case.
The good news is that God manifested in flesh in Jesus Christ. He lived and died the death I should have died, Jesus took my place and three days later he rose from the dead, proving that He is the son of God.
And this gift of salvation is for everyone, for you, and me. For those who repent and believe in Him.
Everything may seem meaningless, because of wars, poverty, suffering, corruption, and abuse all around us...
There is still HOPE. And He is the LIGHT that we need.
And this story is a testimony to that.
I invite you again to the next chapter and let me take you to where it all began...
