When We Were Stanger

Unraveling

November 5th, 2021
The first chill of November settled over Philadelphia, marking the beginning of a colder season and a new phase in my life. The air was crisp, carrying with it a sense of urgency that I couldn't shake. Each morning, I walked through campus with my thoughts tangled in the same web—assignments, group projects, fleeting social moments, and the ever-present figure of Jace lingering at the back of my mind.

Today was no different, except for the feeling of tension that had been following me all day. It was as if the universe was holding its breath, waiting for something to unfold.

When I arrived at the café that had quickly become my sanctuary, I spotted Thomas sitting at our usual table by the window. His presence had become a comforting routine, a welcome distraction from the storm of emotions I was barely managing to keep at bay. But today, as I approached, something felt off. He looked up as I slid into the seat across from him, his smile warm but tinged with something unspoken.

"Hey, Rochelle," Thomas greeted, his voice calm but his eyes searching mine, as if trying to read the thoughts I was so desperately trying to hide.

"Hey, Thomas," I replied, forcing a smile. "How's your day been?"

"Busy," he admitted, running a hand through his already tousled hair. "But seeing you is the break I needed."I laughed softly, though the tension in my chest made it feel more like a forced breath. "Same here. It's been a hectic week." We ordered our usual drinks, the familiarity of it all bringing a sense of comfort, even if only momentarily.

The conversation started light—small talk about classes, upcoming projects, and the mundane details of college life. But there was a heaviness in the air that neither of us could ignore. The words that really needed to be spoken hung between us like a shadow.After a pause, Thomas finally leaned in, his voice softening, the tone more serious.

"Rochelle, I've noticed you seem...distracted lately. Like there's something on your mind that you're not sharing. Is everything okay?" His concern was genuine, and it made me want to tell him everything. But how could I explain the mess of emotions swirling inside me? How could I tell him about Jace, the man who had been a ghost in my life for so long, without sounding like I was trapped in some ridiculous fantasy? "I... I don't know," I began, fumbling for the right words. "There's just... a lot going on right now." Thomas reached across the table, his hand covering mine in a gesture that was both comforting and intimate. "You know you can talk to me, right? Whatever it is, I'm here for you."

His kindness was like a knife to my heart. I wanted so badly to lean on him, to let him in, but the truth was, I didn't even know where to begin. How could I burden him with my confusion when I couldn't even make sense of it myself?"There's someone from my past," I finally said, my voice barely above a whisper. "Someone who's been on my mind a lot lately."His expression didn't change much—just a slight tightening of his grip on my hand, a flicker of something in his eyes that I couldn't quite decipher. Was it jealousy? Understanding? I wasn't sure.

"Someone important to you?" he asked, his voice careful, measured."Yes," I admitted, the word feeling heavy on my tongue. "But it's... it's complicated."For a moment, he didn't say anything, just kept holding my hand, his thumb brushing softly against my skin. Then he nodded, his expression softening. "I get that. Just know, I'm here. You don't have to go through it alone."

His patience, his understanding—it was almost too much to bear. I felt a wave of guilt wash over me, knowing I was holding back, that I wasn't giving him the whole truth. But how could I, when I didn't even know what the truth was? All I knew was that Jace still had a hold on me, a grip that wasn't loosening despite the distance and time."Thank you, Thomas," I whispered, pulling my hand back gently. "I just need some time to figure things out.""I understand," he said, his voice steady. "Take all the time you need, Rochelle. I'm not going anywhere."

His words should have been reassuring, but they only made the weight in my chest grow heavier. I smiled at him, but it felt thin, fragile, like it could break at any moment. We continued our conversation, the topic shifting to safer, lighter subjects, but the earlier intensity lingered like a shadow. By the time we parted ways, the sun had dipped below the horizon, casting the city in a soft, twilight glow.

I walked back to my dorm with a sense of unease, the conversation replaying in my mind over and over again.That evening, the unease didn't lift. If anything, it grew stronger, wrapping itself around me like a cold blanket. After an unproductive hour of staring at my textbooks, I gave up on studying and reached for my journal, needing to release the thoughts that were crowding my mind.

-November 5th, 2021-

Today, Thomas asked me what's been on my mind. I could see how much he wanted to help, how much he cared, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him everything. There's so much I'm holding back, so much I don't even understand myself.

Jace. It always comes back to him. It's been years, and yet he's still here, in my thoughts, like some ghost I can't escape. But why? I barely know him. All I have are the stories Mom told me, the picture she painted of him—someone brilliant, kind, driven. Someone who seemed perfect in every way. But that's just it, isn't it? I don't know the real Jace. All I have is this idealized version, a fantasy that I've been clinging to.

And yet... I can't let go. Even with Thomas right in front of me, someone who's real, who cares about me in a way that's tangible, I can't stop thinking about Jace. It's like I'm torn between two worlds—one that's real but scary, and one that's a dream, safe and unattainable.

I'm scared. Scared of hurting Thomas, of leading him on when my heart isn't fully in it. But also scared of letting go of Jace, because what if... what if there really was something there? Something worth holding on to? I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm standing at a crossroads, and no matter which path I choose, someone is going to get hurt. I just hope I can find the clarity I need before it's too late.

I closed my journal, the weight of the day pressing down on me. The room was quiet, save for the muffled sounds of the city outside, but inside, my thoughts were a chaotic mess. The future felt like a dark tunnel, and I had no idea what was waiting at the end. All I could do was hope that, somehow, I would find my way through the confusion and come out the other side with some semblance of clarity. 

The next day dawned cold and gray, reflecting the heaviness that had settled over me. I went through the motions—classes, assignments, meals with Celine and Rae—but everything felt muted, as if a fog had descended over my life. Even when Thomas texted me, his messages warm and upbeat, I couldn't muster the same enthusiasm. My replies were brief, polite, but lacking the spark they once had.The evening arrived faster than I expected, and with it, a sense of dread that I couldn't shake. I knew I needed to confront these feelings, to figure out what I really wanted, but the thought of facing them head-on was terrifying. Instead, I found myself retreating, avoiding the questions that loomed in the back of my mind.By the time I finally settled into bed, exhaustion had taken over, both mentally and physically. As I lay there, staring at the ceiling, I couldn't help but wonder if things would ever get easier, if the answers I was seeking would ever come. Or if I was destined to remain in this state of limbo, caught between the past and the present, between fantasy and reality.But as I drifted off to sleep, one thought remained clear: No matter how difficult it was, I couldn't keep running forever. Eventually, I would have to make a choice. And when that time came, I could only hope that it was the right one.