When We Were Stanger

The Weight of What If

November 8th, 2021

The days following my conversation with Thomas were filled with a heavy silence. It was as if the world had shifted, leaving me standing in the middle of it all, uncertain and unmoored. The campus was still buzzing with the usual activity—students rushing to class, friends gathering in the common areas—but I felt like I was moving through it all in slow motion, disconnected from the life around me.

Celine and Rae noticed the change, of course. They were my closest friends, and it wasn't like me to be so withdrawn. But every time they asked if I was okay, I brushed it off with a smile and a quick excuse. "Just tired," I'd say, or, "It's nothing, really." I couldn't bring myself to admit the truth, not when I wasn't even sure what the truth was.

The weekend came and went in a blur of half-hearted studying and restless nights. By Monday, I felt drained, as if I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. And in a way, I was—at least, the weight of my world. The internal struggle between what I wanted and what I needed was wearing me down, leaving me with a constant sense of unease.

That morning, I dragged myself to class, hoping the routine would help clear my mind. But as I sat in the lecture hall, surrounded by my fellow students, my thoughts kept drifting back to Jace. It didn't make sense, how someone I'd never even met could have such a hold on me. But there it was, that nagging feeling that wouldn't go away.

After class, I found myself wandering aimlessly around campus. I passed by the library, the student center, the quad—places that were usually bustling with activity. But today, they seemed quieter, almost eerie in their stillness. It wasn't until I reached the edge of campus that I realized where my feet had been leading me all along.

The café.

It was the same one where I'd first seen Jace—the café that had become a sort of crossroads in my life, where the lines between the past and the present seemed to blur. I hesitated for a moment, standing outside, staring at the familiar façade. Part of me wanted to turn around and walk away, to avoid the memories that this place would undoubtedly stir up. But another part of me—the part that had been driving me toward this moment—urged me to go inside.

I pushed the door open, the small bell above it chiming softly as I stepped inside. The warmth of the café enveloped me, along with the comforting scent of coffee and pastries. It was the same as it had always been, yet somehow different. Or maybe it was just me who had changed.

I ordered my usual drink and found a seat by the window, the same seat where I'd first caught that fleeting glimpse of Jace. As I sat there, sipping my coffee, I tried to make sense of the thoughts swirling in my mind. What was it about him that had me so tangled up in knots? Why couldn't I just let it go and move on?

My phone buzzed with a text, pulling me out of my thoughts. It was Thomas, asking if I wanted to grab lunch later. I stared at the message for a long time, the familiar sense of guilt rising in my chest. Thomas had been nothing but kind to me, and yet here I was, obsessing over someone who wasn't even a real part of my life.

I need to stop this, I thought, my fingers hovering over the keyboard as I tried to think of a response. I need to focus on what's right in front of me, not on some distant fantasy.

But even as I thought it, I knew it wasn't that simple. My feelings for Jace—if that's what they were—weren't just going to disappear because I willed them to. And as much as I wanted to be present for Thomas, to give him the attention he deserved, I couldn't do it while my mind was still so preoccupied.

I sent a quick reply to Thomas, agreeing to lunch, and then slipped my phone back into my pocket. I needed to clear my head, to figure out what I really wanted. But as I sat there, staring out the window at the bustling street outside, all I could think about was that brief moment when our lives had almost intersected.