When We Were Stanger

A Shattered Reflection

November 12th, 2021

The morning after my emotional confrontation with Thomas, I woke up feeling like I had been through a war of the heart. The fog of sleep did little to clear the storm brewing within me. Every part of me felt bruised—my mind, my heart, my very soul. I lay in bed for a few moments, staring at the ceiling, trying to collect my thoughts before I had to face the world again.

Despite my best efforts to focus on my coursework, the lingering weight of my feelings was impossible to ignore. During the classes, I found myself unable teo concentrate, my thoughts constantly drifting back to Thomas and the painful discussion we had shared. The professors' words seemed to float around me, disconnected from the turmoil raging inside me.

By midday, my restlessness became unbearable. I found myself wandering through the campus, my feet taking me to places I had visited countless times, yet today they felt foreign and unwelcoming. The beauty of the autumn campus—the golden leaves and the crisp air—seemed to mock my turmoil, amplifying my sense of isolation.

As I meandered, my phone buzzed with a message from Rae, asking if I was still planning to join their study group later. I was hesitated, my heart sinking at the thought of social interaction I wasn't ready for. I texted back, apologizing for needing some alone time, and Rae responded with a sympathetic message, telling me to take care of myself and that they would catch up soon.

Feeling the need for solitude, I decided to retreat to my usual quiet spot near the campus pond. The serene environment was a stark contrast to the chaos within me. I sank onto my favorite bench, the same one I had visited the previous day, and pulled out my journal. The cool breeze felt invigorating, but it did little to ease the storm inside me.

November 12th, 2021

Today is one of those days where everything feels wrong, and I don't even know how to start fixing it. I thought talking to Thomas would make things clearer, but it's only added to the confusion.

His patience and understanding are both a comfort and a burden. I want to be with him, I truly do. But the shadow of Jace, the idealized version of him that I've built up in my mind, won't let me move forward. It's like I'm stuck in a never-ending loop, trying to reconcile the fantasy with reality.

I can't stop thinking about Jace, the stories my mom has told me about him, the perfect image I've crafted in my mind. I'm holding onto an ideal that doesn't even exist, and it's making me blind to the present. Thomas is right here, right now, and he's been nothing but supportive. But I can't seem to let go of what I've imagined.

It's so frustrating to feel this way. I know it's not fair to Thomas to keep him in limbo while I sort out my feelings for someone who's more of a dream than a reality. I feel guilty and confused, and the more I think about it, the more I realize how unfair I'm being to both of us.

I wish I could be brave enough to just let go of Jace and embrace what's right in front of me. But it's not that simple. My heart is tangled up in memories and what-ifs, and I'm afraid of making a mistake that will hurt someone I care about.

I don't have the answers right now. All I can do is try to stay true to myself and hope that eventually, I'll find the clarity I need. I'm scared of losing Thomas, of making the wrong choice, and of never being able to find my way out of this confusion. But I have to believe that there's a way forward, even if I can't see it right now.

I closed the journal, feeling the familiar sting of tears welling up in my eyes. The emotional release was both a relief and a burden, and I let the tears flow freely, feeling as though I were shedding the weight of my conflicted heart. The pond's stillness seemed to offer a momentary peace, but it was fleeting, like a fragile bubble that could burst at any moment.

As the sun began to set, casting a soft orange glow over the campus, I decided to take a walk. I needed to clear my head and listening to a few of my favorite song, to escape the intensity of my emotions for a while. The paths I walked were familiar, yet today they felt different, as though they were leading me towards some unknown destination.

My walk took me past the library, where I spotted Thomas standing by the entrance. He was deep in thought, and my heart ached at the sight of him. I knew she needed to have this conversation, to face the reality of my feelings and make some difficult decisions. But the thought of causing him pain weighed heavily on me.

Taking a deep breath, I starting approached him, trying to steady my racing heart. "Hi, Thomas," I said softly, my voice carrying a mix of hope and apprehension.

Thomas turned to me, his expression a blend of warmth and concern. "Hey, Rochelle. I didn't expect to see you here. Are you okay?"

I was hesitated, my emotions threatening to overwhelm me once again. "I wanted to talk, if you have time."

"Of course," Thomas replied, his tone gentle. "Let's go somewhere we can talk."

We walked to a nearby café, the same one we had visited two days ago. The cozy atmosphere provided a welcome contrast to the tension between us. As we settled into a booth, I could see the concern in Thomas's eyes, and it only added to the weight of my words.

"Thomas," I began, my voice trembling, "I need to be honest with you about something. I'm still struggling with my feelings for Jace, and it's affecting how I feel about us. I care about you, but I can't seem to fully commit while I'm still caught up in this idealized version of someone from my past."

Thomas listened intently, his gaze never leaving mine. "I understand," he said softly. "It's clear that you're going through a lot right now. I want you to be honest with yourself and with me. If you need time, I'm willing to give it. But I need to know where I stand."

My heart ached at his words. "I don't want to hurt you. You've been so patient and understanding, and I feel terrible that I can't give you the certainty you deserve. But I'm struggling to let go of Jace, and it's holding me back from fully embracing what we could have."

Thomas reached across the table, taking my hand in his. "Rochelle, I care about you deeply. I want what's best for you, even if that means giving you the space you need. I just need you to be honest with me about where you're at."

Tears welled up in my eyes as she squeezed his hand. "I'm so sorry, Thomas. I wish I had the answers. I wish I could be the person you need me to be right now."

Thomas's expression softened with a mixture of sadness and understanding. "It's okay. We'll take things one step at a time. I'm here for you, no matter what."

The conversation continued, filled with a mixture of hope and apprehension as we both acknowledged the challenges we faced. By the time we left the café, I felt a small measure of relief, but the uncertainty of the future still loomed large.

As we walked back to my dorm, the campus was bathed in the soft glow of street lamps. The crisp night air was a stark contrast to the warmth of the café, and it seemed to symbolize the emotional distance I felt between her past and present.

At her dorm, I turned to Thomas, my heart was ironically heavy. "Thank you for tonight. I know I've been a mess, and I appreciate your patience."

Thomas offered me a reassuring smile. "I'm glad we could talk. Remember, I'm here for you, no matter what happens."

We shared a warm, lingering hug before saying our goodbyes. I entered her dorm with a mixture of relief and sadness, feeling the weight of the day's emotions still heavy on my shoulders.

That night, as I lay in bed, I stared at the ceiling, my thoughts a jumble of unresolved feelings and fears. The day had been a reminder of the complexities of love and the challenges of facing one's emotions. I closed my eyes, hoping that tomorrow would bring some clarity and a sense of direction.

The road ahead was still uncertain, but I was in beginning to accept that it was okay not to have all the answers. For now, I was learning to navigate the murky waters of my heart, trusting that eventually, I would find my way through the darkness.