LAVENDER HAZE [YOON JEONGHAN]

CH: 20

Jeonghan

I saw her taking a cab, and I headed downstairs after she left; leaving everything there. I went to my car and saw the six gerberas I gave her, they were in my car and not with her. I was holding the bouquet of red roses, and I didn’t know what to do anymore.

I wasn’t in a state to drive right now. Rejection didn’t hurt that much, what hurt the most was she didn’t feel anything for me. and here I was making up things in my head. I thought she would be mine, mine to love, mine to lose, mine to admire.

Everything she told me, came back to me. How could I miss the point, she looked at me just the way she looked at Bora, the whole time.

Something inside hurt me so much, that I couldn’t see anything anymore. I took a deep breath and started to drive, I needed to go back to my room, and I couldn’t do anything here. It was hurting me so much, it was hurting me that I needed her right now, I wanted to see my moon, but she was far away.

I drove back to my apartment, trying not to think about anything. I parked my car once I reached and went straight to my apartment.

I was holding two bouquets in my hand, I didn’t know what to do with them anymore, I didn’t know where to keep them, where to dump them, where to do what, I didn’t know anymore. I wanted to throw everything away right now. I dropped those flower bouquets there, took off my shoes, and went inside. It was physically hurting to see those flower bouquets at the doorstep. I took steps towards the kitchen, and I kept my phone on the kitchen island, not knowing what to do.

I closed my eyes for a second, I hated everything, I missed her, I miss her. I miss her even now when she walked away from me after I asked her to leave me alone. On the way back, I missed her, I was thinking of times when she would usually laugh or smile at me on the way back home, how it’s me who always drops her home. I turned to look at those gerberas, they were on the floor, it reminded me how much I wanted to tell her, “Do you know the meaning of these six gerberas? They mean, ‘I’m falling for you’ and that’s why I wanted to give these to you so that you would know how I feel for you.” I was aware that flowers don’t make any sound, but they contain certain words which convey feelings. Flowers were a way to communicate with the other person, but they are lying on the floor right now, telling me how well the communication reached her.

I didn’t cry, I couldn’t cry because I was feeling numb. I didn’t know how to react to anything anymore. I dragged my feet towards the fridge and saw I had a few drinks. I took out the shot glasses, beer cans, and a few bottles. I wanted to numb all the pain I was feeling right now.

I started drinking, and I would look at the flowers on the floor at times. And every time I looked, my heart would ache maybe more than the previous time. Tonight was the first time I didn’t drop her off and didn’t see her walking back to her apartment.

I took another shot and looked at my phone. I would click our picture at times whenever we go outside. Taking pictures randomly was a way for me to remember when we went out and where. There were fun pictures as well, like we were holding ice creams, or we were just having fun while walking. But I would try to click atleast one picture, without telling her and that would be the best picture, without knowing I was already smiling at her thoughts, which told me I was the ‘hopeless case’

I unlocked my phone and went to my gallery, I had taken her picture without her notice when I gave her the bouquet and looked at the picture. There was a small smile on her face which was barely visible because of the darkness inside the car, but I could see it and feel it, her precious smile.

I closed my eyes for a second, and I imagined her smile, the way she was smiling tonight while talking to me. I imagined what if I never told her today, what if I didn’t tell those staff to decorate specifically, what if it would’ve been a normal dinner, what if…. At this point, the what-ifs were making me want to stab myself because everything was hurting.

I opened my eyes and saw the picture I’d been staring at before I started overthinking all these what-ifs, people are correct when they say, that sometimes some people are meant to meet but not meant to be.

My fingers were just hovering over the screen, and I’ve been wiping the screen subconsciously. That was the moment I snapped back and touched my face, just to realize I was crying and those were tears on my phone’s screen.

“Jeonghan” and I turned around just to see no one behind me, I was starting to hallucinate her voice. I had to stop drinking so that I could stop hallucinating about her. I tried to get up and heard the doorbell ring.

There was an unknown hope, what if she came back? what if she came to tell me all of this was a mistake? What if she came to… and I was already walking towards the door, almost stepping on the flowers.

I didn’t even bother looking at who could be that person and unlocked the door, expecting Luna to be standing there and almost hugging that person.

“Jeonghan”
“Moon”

“Yoon Jeonghan, how much did you drink?” and this voice was nothing similar to Luna’s voice, I tried to take a step back but almost stumbled, but Seungcheol held my arm, “Seungcheol?”

“I came to share a few drinks with you, but it looks like you’re already having a drinking party without me” I took a step back carefully this time. He came inside and locked the door. As soon he stepped inside, he looked at the flowers and removed his shoes, “What’s going on?”

I wasn’t in my right mind to even say a single thing, “Moon” he dragged me towards the sofa, and while walking towards the sofa, he saw the mess at the dining table, “How much did you drink Jeonghan and why?”

“I miss her, I want to hear her voice, I want to see her again, I want to grab her hand and pull her towards me, I wish to turn back time when I didn’t tell her how I felt but at the end of the day, I wouldn’t be able to be ‘just friends’ with her anymore”

“Yoon Jeonghan…” I don’t know how much I ranted and talked about her infront of Seungcheol, but I knew this was probably our ending.

“I just miss her so much, I can’t even explain anything, Seungcheol. She told me she doesn’t love me the way I love her, but every moment I spent with her, I felt like love. Every time I looked at her, it felt like she was the definition of love. It felt like I could see love in her; then how could I not say anything? Maybe I was the one, too blind to see the truth and thought she loved me, but then why would I feel she loved me all this along if she didn’t? Why… just why?” I didn’t know if I was making sense anymore, but one thing that made sense was that I missed her.

“Jeonghan, calm down for a second.”

“How could I calm down when my heart is like this, I feel like someone just took away my heart, and it’s not beating anymore.”

Author’s Note:

Jeonghan’s a mess, so let’s see when can I update next to let you know what happens next :D

And, on another note, hope you’re taking care of yourself. So, be safe, take care of yourself at your best. Sending you love from here.

Happy Reading :)