A Heartbreak Odessy

"The Battle Begins"

Dear Diary,

Day 1 of NO CONTACT.

I woke up with him on my mind-my first thought of the day, like he's tattooed on my consciousness. The urge to send him a good morning text was suffocating, but I didn't. I couldn't. This is supposed to be my time to heal, to reclaim my sanity, but God, it hurts.

I have so much to say to him, so many things I want to ask. How did he sleep? How's his day going? I saw this hilarious video on TikTok, and I could already imagine his laugh, that soft chuckle that makes my heart skip. But no contact means no sharing, no connecting, no anything.

Then he sent me a reel. A simple video. Nothing more than a digital nudge, but it felt like a sledgehammer to my resolve. I wanted to watch it so badly, to feel that brief connection, but I resisted. Instead, I scrolled through my own feed, laughing at other videos that I knew he'd love. But no, I couldn't share. I wouldn't share.

It's torture. How is it that something as small as a funny video can twist the knife in deeper? Every little thing I stumble across reminds me of him. There was even this one clip showing how to crack your own back-he would've appreciated that, probably joked about how much he needed it after a long day. But I didn't send it. I couldn't send it.

Aki, si I miss him. Damn it, I miss him so much it hurts. And the worst part, the part that tears me apart, is knowing that he's not even thinking about me. He's relieved, probably grateful that I'm finally out of his way. No more texts to respond to, no more space to share. I'm out of sight, out of mind.

Then, just when I was about to drown in my misery, he called. I know, I failed. No contact crumbled to dust because I picked up. We talked-God, we talked-and for a moment, it was like nothing had changed. He was happy to hear from me. I could hear it in his voice. I only messaged him once more in the evening, a small victory, I suppose.

He said he loves me. Those three little words, they're the balm and the poison. They make me believe, make me hope, even when I know I shouldn't.

Tomorrow, we try again.