A Heartbreak Odessy

Shattered Illusions

Dear Diary,

Day 5 of NO CONTACT.

It’s the third day of complete silence, and once again, he was the first thought in my mind when I woke up. It’s exhausting. I don’t want to think about him anymore—God, I just want to feel some peace. The kind of peace that feels like freedom, not this constant ache that lives in the pit of my stomach.

My phone pinged, and for a moment, my heart leaped with this ridiculous hope that maybe, just maybe, it was him. That he’d finally reached out to break the silence. But I didn’t check right away, because deep down, I knew it wasn’t him. And that moment of disappointment? It hurts. It feels like my heart breaks all over again, like I’m reliving the rejection each time my phone pings and it’s not him.

Why did he leave me? I hate this feeling so much. He promised me, promised he wouldn’t leave, that he loved me, and yet, here I am. Alone. Why? What does “I want to be alone” even mean? What is that? Did he ever really mean the things he said to me? It all feels like a lie now, a cruel joke that I believed with all my heart.

Then, suddenly, I looked. Oh, God—it was him. He actually texted me. Just a simple “good morning,” and yet it hit me so hard, like a punch to the gut. My hands are shaking because I want so, so badly to respond. I want to send him something back. Anything. I want to reconnect with him, just to feel that tiny spark of hope. But I can’t. I won’t. This is what no contact is all about, right?

He even added a smiley emoji. That smiling face, it stirred something in me that I can’t shake. I don’t like when he does that—it reminds me of how he used to text me good morning with a blushing face and a sweet nickname. I miss it. I miss him. I miss the way he’d say, “Morning sunshine,” or “Hey, my love,” and suddenly, the day didn’t feel so heavy. Now, all I’m left with is this emptiness, this ache that won’t go away. I want him back so badly it physically hurts.

And now I’m crying. I don’t know if it’s because of the emotional scene I just watched in this episode, or if his message shattered the tiny wall I was trying to build around my heart. Maybe it’s both. His message made everything feel so real. The reality of him choosing to hurt me like this, to break up with me and walk away from us, hit me like a ton of bricks today. It’s like I’ve been in denial, but now there’s no escaping the truth: he left me. Deliberately. And that hurts more than I can even begin to explain.

I hung out with my best friend today, and after a long chat, something clicked. I realized what I’ve been avoiding, what I’ve always wanted deep down. I don’t want him out of my life completely. I don’t want the finality of a clean break. What I want is something in between—a situationship. A space where we still talk sometimes, where we can hang out occasionally, no pressure, no expectations. No commitment. Just a little piece of him, still in my life, because maybe that’s all I can handle right now.

But I don’t know if that’s even possible anymore. Or if that’s just another fantasy I’m clinging to because I’m too scared to fully let go.

Here’s to surviving another day