Chlorine

Chapter 3: The Shadow

Chapter 3: The Shadow

Once nighttime arrived, Elijah headed home, and I ate dinner alone after tucking Emma into bed. I stared out of the double glass doors that gave the perfect view of the swimming pool surrounded by lights along the edges. I looked down at my trembling hand holding my fork before laying it down on the table and walking upstairs to my bedroom.
If swimming was what I needed to do to recover my abilities taken from me in the parking lot that night, then I was going to make every effort to do the exercises my physical therapist taught me. Without painting, I didn't have an identity or a purpose. I was just here, going through the motions.
I know that sounds melodramatic, but if a surgeon lost their ability to operate, they'd feel no different than I do right now. I wasn't saving as many lives as a surgeon, but I would be saving my own. Because without being able to physically leave this house, I needed to be able to paint to secure my sanity. I was deteriorating mentally, and I was afraid if I lost Benjamin too that I'd lose what was left of me. I couldn't lose the two things I was most passionate about.
When I entered my bedroom, I changed into my swimsuit before grabbing a towel and quietly making my way down the stairs and out to the pool. The concrete was still warm when I stepped out from the glass doors, my bare feet flat against the surface.
I threw my towel over the back of a patio chair and took careful steps over to the edge of the pool as if the concrete were a thin layer of glass that might shatter if I stepped too hard. The neighborhood was eerily quiet with nothing but the summer breeze to keep it and myself company.
I have to admit, I didn't like being alone out here. It took a lot for me to even find the strength to take the steps out of those doors when I finally did a couple of weeks ago. Before that, I was strictly indoors. I just couldn't overcome the overwhelming fear that my attacker would find me, somehow holding this belief that I was safer here than out there in the endless, open world.
The only reason I was able to make that progress is because I'd found Emma outside by the pool leaning way over the edge to try and grab a ball that rolled into the water. Benjamin was at work, so when she fell in, I knew it was up to me to help her out of the water.
We'd only recently moved into this house after my accident. Our previous home didn't have a pool so there was never really a need for Emma to learn to swim before now. I hadn't gotten around to hiring someone to give her lessons yet, so I was very cautious about her being near or in the pool without Benjamin there to watch her.
It was one of my biggest fears living here because I felt like I constantly needed to monitor her even though she knew she wasn't supposed to go near the pool alone.
Despite the stern rules I'd given her, she still tried to sneak out by the pool on occasion, curious and intrigued by the water, feeling this need to explore, though she didn't know the dangers it carried in the ripples. I knew I needed to get her lessons, but for now, I just watched her like a hawk.
Seeing her fall in that day terrified me, but I still hesitated for several long moments before finally running out to save her. I was ashamed to admit that. Though, I think the tall wooden fence gave me an extra layer of protection from the world that allowed me to fight the anxiety that was entrapping me. Had there not been a fence, we'd be having a different conversation right now.
I dipped my foot into the shallow end of the pool, gradually lowering myself into the warm water. It was dark and quiet, but there were plenty of lights around the property to give me a subtle glow.
I stayed in the pool for a while submerging myself in my thoughts. I swam around the edges of the pool, from one end to the other, and finally floated peacefully in the deep end, my eyes closed, cleansing my mind of my newly acquired self-doubt.
       When I looked back towards the house, I froze because I'd seen the shadow of someone standing at the top of the driveway, just watching me. I could feel myself swaying further and further away from sanity. I couldn't even think about what I could do in this situation to protect myself if they were to come after me.
       My body and my responsiveness became immobile. I physically couldn't move—I was like a frightened deer thinking maybe if I was still enough, they wouldn't notice I was here, but they noticed. That's why they were watching in the first place. They knew what they were doing.
       Eventually, the shadow disappeared into the street, walking away into the fog lightly filling the neighborhood. I exited the pool, dried off, and went back inside, double checking every lock within the house.
       I found my phone and began calling Benjamin, but there was no answer. My head was spinning, and I felt like I was spiraling from anxiety and fear. I needed Benjamin to come home. I needed him here. I needed him.
       But without him here to ground me, I did the only other thing I knew to do which was popping a Xanax to calm me down. Then, I changed into dry clothes before burying myself beneath layers of blankets and watching each minute of the clock pass by until it was two thirty in the morning.
       Benjamin quietly entered the room at that time. I pretended to be asleep, but I watched him. I watched him remove his suit piece by piece, tossing it into the clothes hamper before stepping into the shower probably washing away the scent of another woman.
You're letting the letter get to you, Abigail.
       Maybe if he'd gotten home an hour or so sooner, I wouldn't have been struggling to believe he was just working late. But it was two thirty in the fucking morning. He got to the office around seven thirty yesterday morning, so I couldn't imagine there was any amount of work that would require someone to be there for nineteen hours. Nineteen.
       Even if I hadn't gotten that note on my car, this behavior constituted an affair. So, I did what any woman would do, and I slipped out of bed to find his phone while he was washing up in the shower. I checked his pants pocket, his jacket, his briefcase, but I couldn't find his phone anywhere.
       I went back to the laundry basket double checking every little pocket of his suit. I never found his phone. I heard the water turn off, so I ran back to bed before he could discover that I'd ever been awake. He finally joined me around three o'clock in the morning, wrapping his arm around me and cuddling me as I drifted to sleep.
       The next morning, I'd woken up before him. He pressed snooze on his alarm about a dozen times while I brushed my teeth in the bathroom. I slid into my robe and walked downstairs to the quiet kitchen. I turned the coffee maker on preparing for the long day Benjamin would have ahead with his limited sleep.
       Emma ran outside to retrieve the mail again, handing me another stack of bills and envelopes. About that time, Benjamin slowly made his way down the stairs. He looked exhausted, which was to be expected. I sat the envelopes on the counter and poured the two of us a cup of coffee. I handed his mug to him as he yawned.
       "I missed you last night," I said quietly.
       "I know. I'm sorry. We just got thrown a stack of files for this murder case, and it's taken all of us to go through every item and organize the documents. It's been a nightmare," he said rubbing his forehead.
       There was something in the way he said that and in his body language that made me believe him. There were no indications that he was lying to me, so I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt.
       "I tried to call you."
       "Well, by the time I realized I'd missed your call it was late, so I figured you'd probably be asleep."
       I paused before saying, "I think we should install security cameras around the property."
       That caught his attention.
       "Why? Did something happen?" he asked worriedly.
       "I went swimming last night, and I saw someone watching me from the top of the driveway. They just stood there for several long minutes before they walked off," I said watching the expression on his face change.
       "I'll have someone here within the hour," he said as he pulled his phone from his pajama pants.
He walked outside before making a phone call, and for the first time in a while, I felt like he was actually listening to me, hearing my concerns, and sharing them with me. I didn't want to be afraid, and I didn't want to be alone. I just wanted my husband to care and be present for me. I wanted to be his priority.
       Several minutes later, he returned to the kitchen where he gave me a gentle hug followed by a kiss on the lips. I shut my eyes as I absorbed every ounce of attention that he was giving me. After he pulled away, I grabbed his hand. "Can you take the day off? Stay home with me and Emma?"
       "Honey, you know I've got a lot going on at work. I can't take the day, but I will leave a few hours early. How does that sound?" he said gazing into my eyes.
       "Deal," I said as I kissed him once again.
       He headed back upstairs and got dressed for work while I began flipping through the pile of mail. When I got to the third envelope, I recognized the handwriting with my name and no return address, almost identical to the first one I'd received. I took an envelope cutter from the drawer and ripped it open to find a photograph tucked inside of it.
       I hesitated to remove it, but once I'd seen the picture, I was ashamed to admit that I was more relieved that the picture was of me and not of my husband sleeping with another woman. It was a picture of me in the swimming pool last night; it was taken from the shadow on the hill.