i am now 15. me and angel live together in the forest; angel is very pretty. she's my girlfriend.
recently i found out i was psychotic. but i guess that's not really my fault.
the circus drove me insane, and that first day in the forest, i had a psychotic breakdown.
i never want to go back to the circus.
angel takes care of me, and makes sure im safe during these breakdowns. i couldn't ask for a better girlfriend.
sometimes, i must admit, i miss the stage. i miss performance, the thrill, the laughter and applause. but then i remember why i left, why i ran away from the circus. abuse, manipulation, insanity??
then suddenly im 12 years old again, crying on my dressing room floor wishing life wasnt this way. wishing i could die again and live another life. but i cant die anymore. i'm already dead.
i don't like my life sometimes, it's like it hurts to be something, but it's worse to be nothing... i have to isolate myself a lot of the time, because i get upset. rosie takes care of me during those times. but sometimes it's just too much for a 15 year old girl.
mentally i'm a child; i think that's because i missed my whole childhood.
until i was 9 i lived with alcoholic parents who were usually passed out. they were never really home, i was usually alone. the house smelt of alcohol and cigarettes, like the house was burning down.
when i was 9, petre raped me. i was 9! 9 and being raped by a 15 year old boy. and he just got away with it! i have a scar on my eye from when he stabbed me 7 times. he stabbed me 7 times in the stomach, and dropped the knife on my eye.
my stomach is okay now, but my eye has a big scar.
from the age of 11, up till i was almost 13, i was forced into being a puppet. controlled by a man, i was the star of the show. the main act. but i was controlled. it was like if evil thoughts of the mind were a person, trying to kill and suffocate you.
and i don't know who i am anymore. but i guess it's okay. it's better than being in a circus and knowing who i am.
it used to be if i failed, i would fall apart. i used to wonder if it was all a test... because i always felt like im the worst, so i acted like i was the best!!
i acted so confident when in reality i was a child. just an insecure little girl.
i'm 15. and living in the forest with my girlfriend. being dead is good. i like being dead now.
