My OCD considers that the beginning of the month and symmetrical dates are perfect for starting something new like a blog or a journal. This ain't gonna be anything serious but a dry essay about multiple things I'm interested in. Maybe I'd be talking about things that don't make sense or sometimes it'll actually make sense. Reading this is completely up to your likelihood. In fact, I wholeheartedly believe one shouldn't waste their precious time on things like this. Rest is personal choices.
Just like other days I woke up late and regretted opening my eyes for the nth time in this lifetime. After that I tried to search my will to live in the stream of tap water, in the tube of toothpaste and in the drowning biscuit inside my tea. To my dismay, just like everyday, I couldn't find it anywhere. My cousins did try to find it for me by playing indoor games with me and by watching kid's rhymes on my phone but it didn't work either, my inner child's rotting wounds are too severe to be cured by twinkling sounds and dancing animations. A corrupted adult can never understand what he/she lacked as a child. As I logged into my online games and attacked the enemy bases, I tried to search my will to live there too. I know it's not there, for I've been playing the game since 2017 and not even once I've found something wholesome there. It took me a great amount of will power to move myself out of the bed to take a bath and just like most of the human population I also think about a lot of things inside the bathroom. Maybe sometime I hit the high notes of Taylor swift's songs and laugh at the self proclaimed alpha males thinking how they're gayer than most of the gay men I've ever seen (I've actually seen a lot of gay men in some really queer films, won't recommend). I actually think a lot and the more you give thoughts to anything the more nonsensical it becomes, this is how I've lost most of the people in my life. Sometimes I stare at the water for way too long and wonder if one of these water molecules will ever end up in the north pole by the course of time. I've wondered if the carbon elements present in heart muscles are very lucky to be fixed at the same place or the carbon elements on the nails are just very unlucky to be cut down. All of the thoughts twirled inside water and mixed with soap lather to form a translucent liquid and my will to live once again lost inside the bucket.
The food my mother cooks is the only food that my neuro divergent brain tolerates finely but sometimes it gets worse and I even fail to recognise the love mixed with the curry rice. Those are the times when my sensory issues become hyper and cause my rebellion against foods with spices and strong scents. Fortunately today isn't one of those days. So, I didn't argue with anyone because of unfinished food and untouched nonveg dishes. But my will to live sinked inside the soup and half heartedly chewed the foods.
After eating food, one of my cousins asked for a movie to watch, so I, like the sadist I'm, suggested a movie where the female lead dies.... I've watched it before but I again watched it just in case I had accidentally left my will to live there when I was watching the movie before. I observed and looked at the screen carefully... Listened to the songs.... But still no trace of will to live.
I went to the rooftop and looked at the sky, what if it's flying on the wide blues and all the times I've been finding it in the wrong places? The sky was clear, I didn't find anything there. My cousins left, they have classes tomorrow. I crawled back on the bed to stare at the ceiling and find something to be concerned about.
While drinking the evening tea I stared at the kitchen knife for way too long and calculated the amount of pain the people who have cut their veins would've suffered. I've always considered cutting veins as a novice form of suicide. It's awfully painful, slow and draining. Anyways, the tea was finished without me getting a single gulp of will to live from the cup.
For today I've searched enough. My quest will begin tomorrow again. I won't look for it today anymore. The remaining of the day will also go on like a leaf on a river.
Not even a single thing I'm saying is making sense. As if life is making any sense.
Goodnight.
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