A LISTLESS JOURNAL

Alive?

October 4, 2024

It's been a while. I thought a lot about writing about this and that but all my thoughts turned into a ball of nothingness. The only recognisable thing that happened besides me suffering to death is that I turned twenty in between one of these lazy days. I thought of starting my life in a new way but the first day of my twenties felt like a psychological experiment conducted by some  crazy Russian scientist. I wanted to jump in front of train not in a humorous or metaphorical way but in a literal sense. For once I could see myself being selfish enough to not care about all the people who'll see me as a lump of flesh scattered around everywhere. That day I didn't care about ruining people's outfit by the spilled blood stains or the lifetime trauma they're going to have after seeing something so gruesome. I didn't care about my one year old cousin who I've been raising like my own child not remembering my face after I die. I didn't even care about my parents nor about my brother. All I cared about is my unbearable life to end. I hope no one becomes that much selfish in their entire life.

One would take me as a depressed person but all I'm is a person who is hopelessly aware  about life and it's absurdity. Having too much awareness is a chronic illness without any cure. In a world of delusion, it only brings suffering and frustration. In the end, those who ignore the deeper significance behind all that happened, all that happening, all that will happen are the one who are truly enjoying life. A person with situational awareness can never be happy. One can easily ignore all the wars, genocide, famine, discrimination happening around the world and focus on sipping their Starbucks while listening to some third class rap song written by just another pedophile autotune coated musician. This would keep them happier and the their puddle head wouldn't be effected but that won't change the world for betterment. Meanwhile, people like us will stop sipping drinks from certain brands, stop buying certain products, won't listen to certain musicians and closely follow everything that's going in middle east, Africa and other continents and that'll make our mind full of vulnerable thoughts, emotional turmoil and in the end of the day, war will go on. Children will die. Famine will happen. World wouldn't change for betterment. Then what's the difference? Maybe the difference lies in efforts or maybe not. Who knows?

I had a lot of things to say but now that I'm typing on the keyboard, my mind is just a blurry haze. Maybe someday I will find a better language to tell about my thoughts. For now I'd fall asleep and hope for the world to end before it's morning...