A LISTLESS JOURNAL

idols?

September 11, 2024

This year is the most mentally and physically draining year I've witnessed so far. In past years I've felt a lot of emotional disturbance and mental conflicts but this year is effortlessly killing the last remaining grain of sanity left inside me. I literally have two braincells left without any serotonin.  Anyways, that's not the shit I wanna talk about. A few nights ago I was lying on my bed and twisting, turning to fall asleep, failing miserably, that's when I got into crazy thoughts about my past habits which led my thoughts to think about the growing menace of "idol culture".

The story starts in 2016, a very young me just got access to smartphones and the internet, that's when my interest towards the western music and japanese anime started. I was slowly getting engaged to different bands like The Script,  Simple Plan, One direction, EXO etc. That was completely fine. I listened to them, I only cared about the songs but never the singers. That time I listened to a song that I liked very much, so much that a part of the music video got stuck in my head but I failed to find the song ever again. Fast forward to 2018, I got into boarding school and that ended all my teen obsessions in a cruel way. I let go of my favourite anime shows and all my favourite songs. I kind of forgot about everything else except studies.
I don't know what I was trying to do but I changed into someone else. To tell you more fairly, I desperately pretended to be someone else while the young teen inside me hopelessly tried to escape in different ways. Alas ! Little did she know the maze I created inside my head couldn't be solved.

Here comes the twist, COVID happened. I once again got locked in my house with the internet,  smartphones and a trapped young teen inside my brain. The long forgotten quest  started once again. I kept discovering artists, idols, songs, animes and all the other stuff that can entertain me while a portion of the world is dealing with a pandemic. That is when I found the same song I had listened to in 2016. I immediately recognised it.
I listened to the song once, twice..... I don't know how many times. After that I kept listening to the different songs of that same band. I remembered the names and faces of each member. Then I remembered their birthdays.
I watched their reality shows. By the time I realised what I was doing I already knew their nationality, their locality, their logo, the fan chants, how many siblings they have, their blood group, each moles on their face, how many awards they won, their debut date, all their funny moments, little souvenirs they gave to eachother and many more. I learned their life story like they're some legendary heroes who fought for my country. Every little detail got devoured by me. Everything about them was everything about me. Among all of them there was this guy I liked the best. In idol culture they call it a "bias" or whatever.

He is the youngest and used to be the brightest (he's still the brightest though). He has these big sparkly eyes that once were filled with something like hope or maybe innocence. He had a lot of influence on me, so much that I tried his haircut for myself (it suited fortunately). We share the same birthday month, same blood group and for once we even shared similar thoughts too. Every song he covered... Every music he ever composed was implanted in my brain like some important verses. I had his eyes as my wallpaper cause I felt motivated seeing his eyes. In short he was my "idol".

Then something happened, like a sand storm, everything became blurry. Suddenly their band started getting massive attention... Everything started to change... Slowly they had become a trend. Everyone knew them, half of the internet started humming their songs, dancing on their music. I was happy. They were getting the recognition they deserve but the fandom turned into something else. Toxic fan wars started to begin. Even the ship wars become prominent. I ignored them. It only struck my head once my dear "bias" came forward with half of his body tattooed. I vividly remembered the one video where his younger version said that he'll never get tattoos cause he doesn't want to hurt his body and he loves his body. I had to recheck if those two are the same person. That's the moment one stupid teen realised that people change, not always in your favour.

I still remained in denial and persisted myself to believe in the false show.
Disappointment kept coming along yet I couldn't bring myself to unlike them. From tatts to multiple face piercings... nothing stained my heart or pierced my brain.... I only grew distant. The way I used to see him started to change. The blindfold of idol culture slowly faded away and by thorough understanding I realised where it went wrong.

It wasn't their fault, it was me that expected commitment and constancy from a company that meant for business while I was a consumer. Companies care about the majority of consumers not an odd ball. It was not him from the beginning, personas are set by the experts who are in charge of marketing and stuff. He was sparkling innocence when innocence was on demand and he became the "most sexy man" when the majority female gaze sexualized him. It's not his fault. He's supposed to be a "merchandise" that is meant to be sold by an entertainment agency. Sometimes eyes fail to see the simple truth when you're obsessed.

The subsidized young teen in me needed a course to depend on. The idols became my dependency and grew into my mentally unwell brain. It's easier for mold to grow on already humid fruit. Entertainment industries are meant to be overly consumed by mentally unwell people and make them obsessed with it until they're totally lost inside its lotus formation.

I've been a very loyal fan. I still know about everything they've gone through and all their stories. Some current fans don't know that much but I do. I still occasionally listen to their songs. I don't hate any of them. It's just, they grew to be someone else and I also grew up to be someone else. One should not follow idol culture if they're not mentally fit. It only worsens the situation. It's relatively better to treat an artist like an artist, listen to their songs and vote for them. Stanning them like they're some demi God isn't good for one person's well being cause you'll never know what hides behind a pretty face. I really had it tough when I saw the truth but I'm glad I did.

I purposefully didn't mention the names of the idols cause I know the fandom and it's toxicity, I've been there before.

Sheeeh...bless my mental health that barely managed to escape the basement of that one f#*king industry.