A LISTLESS JOURNAL

asleep?

October 19, 2024

There's nothing much good that has happened to me in the month of October in my entire life. I only remember that it was the month of October when I learnt that I've passed the entrance for boarding school but that's almost 7 years ago. I still hate it though. It ruined my day back then. I was in a marriage function of a very close person which I didn't quite enjoy. The war on Gaza started last year on October 7 since then I've never felt the same. There has been a little voice in my head telling me how miserable this world is every time I try to take pleasure in life. The guilt is unfathomable. One of my childhood best friends was born on October 16 which is why that day is memorable for me but now that Liam Payne died on the very same day, it won't be the same as before. Liam was not a very good guy neither did he take the best life choices but still he was someone I listened to. I'm kind of used to listening to One Direction without thinking about the part where they all grew old and grew apart. In the time of lockdown, I rediscovered them, listened to their solo songs and also revisited all the old videos all because I was bored. To be honest, they were just kids and that's what makes me mad. Simon Cowell could've done better with the boys. The band and the boys could have survived. Zayn leaving the band was the game changer. The bitterness still sticks. It wasn't grief that hit but the shock, I've imagined so many celebrities dead, even imagine myself dead but never once I've thought of this. Liam wasn't the best of the people but still he was a father of a new born who'll never get to see his father again. So many people will find it wrong for me to feel bad for such a morally grey person but I can't help since a part of my teenage years is stuck with them. Anyways, I just wanted to say... I hate October. 

The horror of October will never leave me... I've seen a man of my age burning alive with IV drips still hanging from his hand.

I've seen a brother carrying his little brother's cold bruised corpse screaming how he went to buy chips for his brother only to find him dead afterwards.

I've seen a father carrying pink and blue dresses for his newborn twins, only to find them dead along with their mother before even getting their birth certificates.

I've seen another father placing a biscuit packet to his dead child's hand cause the same child asked for something sweet to eat before death.

I've seen pieces and scattered intestines of a 19 year old journalist's corpse who was purposefully killed by those monsters.

I've seen children holding their parents' shoes and mother's holding onto their dead babies. I've seen emaciated toddlers and amputated young girls.

I've seen a man carrying a single piece of hand of a deceased person who's other body parts are not found.

I've seen more than I can talk about, I've seen it all. These are the things that change a human for ever. No matter how hard you try, how many decades pass, how many wars happens in between, you're going to remember the father who couldn't fulfill his child's last wish of eating sweets. May there be a God who's willing to give proper justice. There's things I don't understand about God and the things that'll offend each and every religious person which is why I won't say such things.

Honestly, these are just my thoughts and my thoughts are different from what I feel. I think a lot but not essentially everything attachs with my feelings. One may think that I'm very grief stricken and stuff but no, I don't feel these things personally. I think about it, over think about it, create imaginary solutions to these kinds of problems, curse the world leaders for being shit, analyse the pattern to get some conspiracy but it's very rare for me to sit there cry entire day for something that I've no control over and something that's not very personal. I'm a selfish person, I only cry for myself and my own grief. To me, my broken index finger is more painful than half of the earth's population's death. My pain is my pain, my tragedies are mine alone... anything else around the world is small infront of it. It's hypocritical but that's what every human is meant to be. Human heart is made of hypocrisy.

Whatever, may the world ends soon.