Winter Emptiness

Chapter 11: The Untold Truth.

October 35th year:

Years have passed and life have been so much like a torment filled with acceptance, accepting this human condition and throughout all I deducted that the real issue of this world is the immorality, in this world all matters for our being is the existence of our morals, to define them it’s something you get in the inner self and you can lose it. Morals are the principals of a society somehow nowadays people lost it, immoral society....
As my son grew up and became an adult, my little prince found his queen, that young lady was the girl from that philosophy project, a true blessing feeling glad seeing them together.

Until the dinner of the 31th October changed my perception, a pivotal moment of my son’s girlfriend. In that night there was a family dinner where I invited her and decided to talk with eachothers as a great mother, my son made dinner showing his help and dedication to her... Meanwhile she was zoned out to see the portrait of me, my husband and my son together.

“You guys know that man” looking completely devastated
“Oh that’s my husband he died 8 years ago” I said
She went to the bathroom as she puked there, I tried to help her but she looked at me with deep tears in her face...

My worries made me have a paranoia crisis , the “what if”s was hitting so bad as I saw her in that situation .
“Miss, your husband raped me when I was 11” looking at me mean fully
“The man over there was the reason of my inner emptiness, it may sound strange what I m going to  say but here is a full context:

The 5th grade Christmas party, a unforgettable day, how can I forget the 23th December, the day where I have lost myself.
I was wearing my Santa’s gnomes outfit till I realized I was late and they already started performing, a man told me he knew a way to make enter it, my innocence made me accept and so I did joined him till he started assaulting me, dusted, weak, I was completely shaking , blood was coming out and I panicked, knowing it’s wrong, I was old enough to recognize that kind of action but I couldn’t do anything ... As the days passed I convinced my parents for me to go to the therapist and so I did, the 10th January as I went to enter the place, the man went out as I was about to enter, looking at me with complete guilt and shame... I told the doctor everything and even revealed that he touched me... She was just an amazing human being till she got a call from a woman saying that her husband have killed himself, that man of course was your husband...”

After she finished talking, I got confused for a second, my husband raped a child, my bestfriend who was probably her therapist and knew everything about him was hidding the truth, something was strange, I got a headeache and I took some Asperin for my head.

“Good riddance” I said with all the concern, how he can be even a human? For all the sudden I felt indifferent towards the feelings I got for my ex husband, killing the life of a child, isn’t he the one who said that people will kill me, to clarify what is happening I took my phone and called my bestfriend, she was his therapist while I didn’t know...

“Get the fuck in my house, now” I screamed to her.
Her extremely sleepy and confused “It’s late honey, I can’t”
“You have to, fucking phony” I hang up ...

Minutes later she came in hurry, as I opened the door I looked at her with complete anger... I asked my son to quit the living room....
“Go smoke a cigarette or mind your business, the adults are having a serious discussion” I said,
“Okay but I m your son and my girlfriend is here too, I need to know too” as he was curious and confused.
“Don’t act stupid”

“Anything wrong darling?” my bestfriend said panicking..
“Everything is wrong, sit here” as she sat on the chair, we began the discussion...
“Do you remember this young lady” pointing my finger to my son’s girlfriend.
“I don’t truly remember her, you know I have so much patients”
“The 10th January incident year 26 incident...

She took moments to realize it, she looked at me “So you know”
“And so you lied to me all those years thinking he was a good man, what else I don’t know”
“A lot...” she glanced at me, I was terrified. “How can I begin, when he was a child he saw his mother getting raped I don’t exactly remember, since then he developed a fantasy over rape... And then he fell in love with you, he couldn’t hurt you because he truly loved you, as he grew up he tried to resist and so he did , he came to me asking for help until he did on a young kid... And it’s all your fault”
“A childhood trauma, his own will and now it’s my fault... How immoral...”

“Who speaks about morals... The one who abused her own kid and all you can call it a childhood trauma..., you think it’s acceptable just because your older sibling did and so you have to do it to your child” She laughed “Moreover, your asexuality was a reason why he did that, he got bored of that relationship and you couldn’t even put the effort now take a look at the consequences of your actions, acceptance that’s a pure joke, I forgot to tell you he also did prostitution because of the lack of sexual activities...”

In the total mess I went to the kitchen, took a pill and drunk a cup of water trying to understand what is going on, as I looked up I saw next to me a knife and so I took ,went to the living room and I laid the knife on that family picture, in my face... I took my apartment’s keys and I went out knowing I have never belonged to such a family, as I stepped out of the house my son asked me what’s going on I saw him for the last time “I m sorry...” with tears falling in my eyes.

That night I went to my apartment, with total indifference, got myself a coffee and I decided to sit in the balcony, try to find a meaning, after all coffee was always there for me, living in a constant lie and real selfish behavior..., I took sips from my coffee as I looked away in the balcony, staring at the stars. After years of existence do I wish to kill myself ? Absolutely no ; but if I had the possibility to chose between life and death, then dying would be more peaceful .

-

After years of teaching, my retirement came, that day I had to give a speach, but I knew nobody, everybody left me, till I saw 3 individuals coming late, a young man screaming “Sorry for late” I saw him and without excepting it was my son.

“What are you doing here for god’s sake” I told him.
“I m so sorry mom”
“For what? Look I have to give my speach we can talk later”
I gave my speach and I felt done, so this is the end of my teaching routine, what I m going to be? As I finished everyone started clapping and my son decided to say his speach. He made me tear and he expressed all his admiration to me and how he remembers the way I teach and how unique it is, at the end we hugged eachothers.

After finishing the ceremony, he took my hand and said “Say hi to my wife and your grand daughter”; what is happening for a second again, me a mother in law and a grandmother, I looked at his wife and she tried to hug me, noticing her.

“You were always right, miss, you did the right choice for leaving them and I felt like someone truly understood me for the first time of my life, miss you are a genius and I m glad to be part of your family, you are such a true and genuine human kind and I m glad your son is perfectly like you” the girl was his girlfriend, I never excepted them to end together after all that drama, the true definition of soulmates.

I began to cry, I couldn’t hold my tears, as I was trying to wipe them away, she brought me her daughter, a pure magnificence of earth and the universe, an 18 months old little angel smiling and walking to me, as I tried to hold her, I couldn’t believe my eyes, she was ethereal. For the first time for years I smiled genuinely as I saw us getting united again as a family, I was never alone and so this emptiness was forever healed.

End