Winter Emptiness

Chapter 6: joy and bless

October year 15:

My expectations and perception of marriage has changed , in fact years ago I thought that marriage was the biggest bullshit and waste of everything: you lose money, time, energy but most importantly you lose yourself, also I thought marriage was based on sex and having kids, honestly I never thought of having kids with my husband , maybe cause I m not ready to have another responsibility which is very understandable or maybe because I don't want them, I can't imagine myself being blamed for each wrong behavior my kid will do, I m don't want my stress and worries impacting his childhood even if I m having a calm husband I m still scared . I don't want him to go through the same pain as I did in other words I don't want him to be empty.

November year 15:

A random thought just came in my mind and I finally decided to do it , I went to a psychiatrist thinking there is something wrong with me , a feeling to change. My suspicion were true and I was in fact suffering from "Paranoid personality disorder" , which means I m a paranoid and I have to spend the next day of my living taking medication and antidepressants. But it was nothing to do with my emptiness.

People will kill you

I couldn't tell it to my husband I was so afraid of him, what if he divorces me... I tried to act normal to him but he noticed my mood swings , he always tried to comfort me and help me but I just can't until he accidentally knew it, I asked him to give me my purse while I was doing my makeup until he found my meds. "Despite my poor knowledge in medicine I can tell this are antidepressants" he said as he was holding them, he then looked at me with pity and seriousness in his face I felt truly fucked up ; "since when", "3 weeks since I know it but the paranoia is eternal" "I was always wondering if were a paranoid but I didn't want to bother you" I was speechless, I wanted to speak but words are missing . I went sleeping without trying to get his attention cause I knew what I did , at the same time he was holding his phone while he was in the bad still mad at me but my curiosity won't let me fall asleep I wanted to know what are we now ? What is he searching for? I will never know .

December year 15:

The following days were pretty average , he acted like nothing has ever happened , is he denying it or maybe he doesn't want to ruin my relationship with him, I wanted to confess everything and know what's going on but I felt too weak for that. I felt I m falling in my mistake : dedicating my life to love, I m weak .As I was back from work that day I went to the corner of the cashier and said "can we go watch the sunset", as he was cleaning a cup he nodded and I waited for him until he finished , he wore his usual jacket and took my hand while I was trying to seem serious, "anything bothering you" he seemed worried and I stayed silent until we arrived "I know you are trying to get my attention and I know why you brought me here , fucking idiot I love you and I will always do , you are my wife and I can't be mad at you for a stupid mental illness, you are truly suffering and whenever you take your medication I feel hit , when I was holding my phone that night I wanted to know how to behave with a paranoid woman and you can't deny it I m trying my best to make you feel less stressed and less worried , aren't you the one saying that acceptance is the most important thing" I kissed his lips with all the sudden I didn't know what healed me to do that but it was so romantic as I finished kissing him "medication is worthless when I have you" as the sun disappeared in the horizon. What a magical moment.

January year 16:

Thought I will be having my usual routine in the office , a secretary came to me and told me that the directory wanted to talk to me, it was unexpected as I entered he told me that I won a special trip to Japan , he even said that everything is going to be paid by them, I wanted to jump all my dedication to my job was getting it , seeing the Evangelion franchise and the vocaloids ..., eating at convenient stores at 3 am , being served by various foods and visiting it was exciting, as I was back from work my husband noticed my energy "what makes my wife so happy" and he brought a lungo with him , I told him everything and then realizing that's he can't come with me unless he had enough money, I begged him to come with me "look darling it's your job and I have my own job too , I don't have enough of savings and I want you to be the happiest in that trip so you better enjoy it but I swear if you don't bring that one Guts from Berserk figure I will divorce you" he softly laughed and I hugged him "I will bring the whole world if you wish" .

February year 16:

Japan I m coming, as I went to the airport my husband and his mother waved at me and I hugged before going on my one month trip, when I first arrived I was gathered with all sorts of meals and it was so good , at work Japanese people were incredible and I liked how respectful they are but my I missed my husband.