Behind The Mask - SKZ + BTS oneshots

Why Am I Like This?

Contains:
-Chanlix
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Chan sat in his bedroom, feeling like the whole world was against him.

The Australian had been putting up with so much all day, the loud airports, the uncomfortable clothes and the lack of space to breathe and feel peace. Somehow when he got home, nothing had changed.

It was such a long day of begging and waiting for this moment but the moment didn't satisfy him, he just felt everything crash down on him. Making him feel like crying or even screaming.

He choked on air, on a breath he had been holding in, at the sound of the door knocking. He hated door knocks, the sudden and unpredictable loud noise.

"Come in." He managed to muster, barely able to even speak for a moment.

Luckily, it was just Felix, his boyfriend.

"Hey, are you alright baby?" He spoke, gently pushing the door shut as softly as he opened it and approached Chan.

Felix had caught on during the day to Chan's discomfort, in fact, he always did.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Chan shrugged looking everywhere but at Felix himself.

"Are you sure? You've seemed off all day. Now I find you sitting in the dark on your bedroom floor?"

Chan knew he wasn't okay and he knew Felix knew that too. He just didn't understand what was wrong with him.

"No." He muttered, looking down at his hands in his lap. He couldn't stop moving them, fidgeting, constantly.

"Wanna talk about it darling?" Felix had such a gentle voice that always brought peace to Chan's hectic mind. He just always thought he was stressed non-stop and couldn't handle it. Felix knew there was something more. Not to mention how he knew Chan's love of endearing nicknames.

"I just don't know what to say. I don't know what's wrong with me." He whispered, on the brink of tears. Chan never opened up or let his guard down, he only did so very rarely and only to Felix or his sister Hannah.

"Just..." Felix began, trying to figure out what to say, "Tell me. Let it out, say everything you need to say."

"Well," Chan hesitated, before giving in. "Everything is just so... overwhelming. So loud, so close to my skin and so much. I'm constantly moving, I can't stop. I can't focus on anything and when I do, I can't drag my focus away from it. The lights are so bright and most of the clothes I'm made to wear are so scratchy on my skin. It's almost painful. And my mind never stops, it's constantly running at a million miles an hour."

Felix could relate to some of that. The focus struggles, the chaotic brain and the inability to stay still. But that was all because of his ADHD. Chan didn't have ADHD, did he? And what about the rest, what was that all about?

They sat in silence for a few moments, whilst Felix dug deep into his wild mind to try and think of something to say. Until it clicked.

In 2020, Felix had a massive hyperfixation on different types of neurodiversity, around the time he got diagnosed with ADHD and wanted to find out more about it and other neurotypes. One of those, was autism.

It made sense, the sensitivity to sound and feeling of clothes. Everything feeling overwhelming, the stimming and 'panic attacks' that were probably meltdowns that he'd had before. It really did make sense.

"I think we should get you assessed for autism and ADHD." Felix said, taking no time to hesitate dropping the bombshell.

"What?"

"Channie, I have ADHD and a few years back I did a lot of research on both autism and ADHD. To me, this makes sense. And if we can get you assessed and possibly diagnosed then we can get you support and help you." Felix explained, offering his hand to his lover (who happily took it). "I love you and I want to help you."

"I love you too. I just don't get it, why would it take nearly 27 years to figure it out?" Chan asked, fiddling with his and Felix's fingers.

"Some people go their entire lives without knowing. It doesn't matter how long it takes, it matters the outcome. I didn't get diagnosed until I was 19 for ADHD and I fit the stereotypes as a kid!" Felix chuckled, pecking his partner's cheek. "Are you up for it?"

Chan let out a sigh, "Okay."