Teardrops On Pages And Cuddles In The Cold

Chapter 4

Ranboo sits beside Tubbo on their bed, more grateful than he thinks he's ever been that Tubbo's holding his hand right now, and allowing Ranboo to wrap his tail around his beloved's waist. It's almost like holding onto a stake in the ground in the middle of a tornado. He's safe for right now, has something to hold onto that'll ground him, but eventually the winds will pick up again, and he'll be whisked away before he can even utter a goodbye.

It'll be fine. They'll be fine. Tubbo still cares, Ranboo can tell that much. But does he care too much? Or too little? Ranboo wants Tubbo to just ask and get it over with, so he can deny it, say he only did that in middle school, and leave it at that. But part of him wishes Tubbo would push harder. Try to pry the truth out, just to show Ranboo that he is there for him.

What if he cares too much? What happens then? What if he cares so much he doesn't even ask Ranboo about it, just calls some institution and tells Ranboo that's where he going, not even giving him a second to explain.

Ranboo prefers the first one.

While Ranboo is trying desperately to think through his rising panic at knowing Tubbo read the journal, Tubbo sits adjacent to his husband on the mattress, and very hesitantly, very carefully, brings their foreheads to touch together, stirring Ranboo from his thoughts, so that the half-enderman hybrid's green and red eyes line up perfectly with Tubbo's blue ones, and Tubbo's stumpy horns and Ranboo's long straight ones were gently bumping against each other.

"Boo," The Ram hybrid starts, "It's okay. I'm not mad. I'm a little scared, I will admit, but I'm not mad. I could never be mad at you for something like this."

"How naive of him, to assume you think he's mad at you," Sneers an ender particle, as Ranboo closes his eyes, trying to calm down. And now they're attacking Tubbo too, how absolutely incredible is that? Ranboo's just grateful his husband can't hear them.

"You're really just mad at yourself, aren't you?" One of the ender particles says snidely.

"Left it out after you read it yesterday, such an idiotic move," Another one chimes in, their voice just as cruel.

Tubbo can tell the ender particles are saying something to Ranboo, though he can't tell whether it's good or bad. So, very gently, he speaks again.

"Boo... I need you to be honest with me. Do you- do you still do that? Do you still... h-hurt yourself...? With your claws...?" The mere thought is terrifying, but it's a reality. Tubbo knows that at some point, Ranboo did do that. But he's not sure if he still does, and he's praying to Prime and XD and whatever god out there that's willing to listen, hoping that his husband will tell him the truth. Whether it's good or bad, Tubbo doesn't care. He can help Ranboo. He'll stay, he'll work with him, he'll watch him, do whatever's necessary to keep his husband, his best friend, safe.

Hurt himself...? Ranboo knew this day would come eventually, had a feeling in his gut, but nothing could have prepared him for the fear in Tubbo's voice as he asks that, for the way it shakes and sounds like he's holding back tears, how loud the ender particles suddenly are and how badly Ranboo wishes he were a full enderman so he could just teleport far, far away.

But he isn't one. And he can't. So he has to just tough it out.

He has two options.

A. Tell the truth. Terrify Tubbo like never before, and risk him leaving, believing Ranboo to be insane, or too far gone, incapable of receiving help.

Or B. He could lie. Just a small fib. "I only did it in middle school," or, "I used to, but I stopped a while ago."

"I-" he should tell the truth. He should be honest. Tubbo needs to know. But what if he leaves? What if he judges? Ranboo can't lose him.

"Probably already thinks you're insane, knows it in his bones."

Just ignore them. It's fine, you'll both be fine.

"I used to... I-I don't anymore. I- um- I'm okay now." He lies. Lies like the worthless piece of shit he is. Too scared to say the truth as he averts his gaze, the design on their sheets suddenly very interesting.

He lied. Tubbo knows it. His husband, the one he trusted with his life, lied to him. He can tell just from the way his voice shakes.

"Ranboo... please... just be honest with me. I only want to help you."

Tubbo loathes the way his own voice shakes, how terrified and weak it sounds, but he keeps his forehead against Ranboo's, taking deep breaths and moving a hand up to gently card through the hairs at the base of Ranboo's neck. He'd been growing them out lately, so they were long and thick and nice, grounding both him and Tubbo as they were played with.

He called out the lie. Of course he'd call out the lie, he knows Ranboo far too well to fall for it. Prime, this was going to be difficult.

"What'd we say?"

"He already knows you're insane, why not just confirm it?"

"I..." Ranboo was going to tell another lie, but the words die on his tongue. "do... do we have to talk about this?" He asks weakly, voice so small, so quiet, so scared.

"Yes Boo, of course we do. I want to help you. I don't want you getting hurt more than you already are," Tubbo responds after a moment, hand not carding through Ranboo's hair moving to gently cup his cheek and rub a thumb against it.

So many points of contact, his tail around Tubbo's waist, Tubbo's hands in his hair, on his cheek, Ranboo's own hand on Tubbos knee, normally Ranboo would feel so warm, so comfortable. Right now he's just cold. Scared and nervous and timid.

"You won't... you promise not... to leave? If it's- if it's too much?"

"Of course not Boo. I'm here for you. Through the thick and thin, in sickness and in health, in life and in death, remember? I would never leave you when you need me."

A couple tears fall out of Ranboo's eyes as Tubbo says that, searing burn marks and tear trails into his skin before Tubbo wipes them away. Reciting their wedding vows, how cringe. Yet, it warms Ranboo's heart more than he thinks anything could right now.

At the time, getting married felt like such a ridiculous thing, all for jokes and laughs. But now? Seeing that ring on Tubbo's horn is the highlight of every day for Ranboo. He knew he was gay, has known that since he was like, eleven, but he never thought he'd be falling for his best friend. And the best part is, Tubbo knows. There's no awkward confession, they both feel the same. And it's perfect.

At least, it was. But now Tubbo knows everything. Now, even though Tubbo says he won't leave, Ranboo knows he has no idea just how far down the deep end goes, and has just promised to dive to the bottom without allowance to swim to the shallow end if he can't. He'll drown for sure. And Ranboo doesn't want to be the reason Tubbo drowns.

"You have no idea what kind of promise you're making..." He mumbles.

"Maybe I don't. But I didn't realize how important the same promise was five years ago, and I've never regretted it. I'm staying with you Boo, no matter what. No matter how much I have to help you, or how often I have to snap you out of an enderwalk, I'm staying," Tubbo says sincerely, his words strong and true.

Ranboo nods, quietly mumbling a "Thank you Bo..." before starting, despite how terrified he still is.

"I... I'm not okay."