Teardrops On Pages And Cuddles In The Cold

Chapter 5

"I...I'm not okay. Or- I kind of am... but I- Prime, how do you explain this?" Ranboo starts, voice quiet and unsteady.

"It's okay Boo, take your time. I just want to know what's going on so I can help," Tubbo says, a slight shake to his voice, though he manages to keep it steady for his beloved, "Just... start from the beginning. Wherever that is. If you need to tell me your whole life story, I'll listen. Or if you just want to start from where the journal ends, that works too," he says softly.

"Okay... I can- yeah, I can do that... um... I- well... ever since I was a little kid, my um- my ender particles have... existed. They used to be... really nice, actually. I used to like spending time with them more than other enderian friends. But... when I turned twelve something changed. They started getting meaner, and... saying stuff I-I couldn't handle. They said it was because of me. Because I... w-wasn't a good enough person... they kept- they were so mean... and when I was fourteen, y-y'know, me and Aimsey, um... all that... and I... couldn't handle it... I-" Ranboo cuts himself off, holding back his tears and choking on his words. Why was this part so hard? Why was all of it so hard? It didn't help that the ender particles were louder than ever right now.

"Oh, Boo... is... that when you almost... jumped?" Tubbo asks, voice fearful, but trying to be comforting.

Ranboo just nods sadly, arms wrapping around each other, feeling the urge to sink in to skin, to ground by pain, to punish, to do something.

"Such a failure, couldn't even tell him before he had to ask, can't tell him now."

"Shouldn't tell him at all, should just let it sit and stay."

"How would he know if you jumped again? How would he know if you actually hit the ground this time?"

"It's not like he cares, the only reason he's doing this is to be able to tell others he tried, so he doesn't look bad when you leave."

"You deserve those claws in your skin, deserve every tiny piece of trauma you have."

"Deserve all your pain."

"Deserved that jump."

"Deserved the failure, staying alive, how dare you."

"At least you got to suffer for another six years."

"Do you really want to suffer for more?"

"Do you deserve to enjoy what little you get while suffering?"

"You deserve to jump."

"You deserve to die."

"You deserve to struggle."

"You deserve those claws."

"You deserve a death by sui-"

The ender particles are interrupted by a gentle touch at his arm, which grows stronger when it sees him glance at the hand wrapping around his wrist, pulling the claws away from his skin.

"Boo... please, don't do that to yourself. I know it's hard, but please... you don't deserve that," Tubbo says softly, pulling Ranboo's arm into his lap.

"S-sorry, I just-"

"I know Boo, I know. It's okay. Do... would it be better for you if we cut them? Er- would it be easier if we cut them?"

Cut them...? Cut off his only source of defense against his thoughts, against the ender particles? The only thing he knows how to use to get him out of his head? The only thing that worked to keep him from-

"Maybe I shouldn't ask you that... you're going to say no, aren't you? You- you do it because it feels like it helps, that's what your journal said... do you still feel that way?"

Ranboo, too lost in his head and the sound of the ender particles, nods, barely registering what he's nodding to, but some part of his mixed up and broken brain says the answer is yes.

Tubbo sighs.

"Come on... let's go cut some claws," He says softly, standing up the bed and pulling Ranboo with him, despite the enderman hybrid's pulling against it.

"I know, Boo, I know it feels like I'm trying to hurt you, but I'm not. I want to help. I don't want to see your arms littered with scars caused by yourself. I want to see my happy husband. Please. Just- let me help you," Tubbo all but pleads, voice so desperate and thick with emotion that Ranboo finds it impossible to say no, and allows himself to be dragged by the short Ram he had somehow fallen in love with.

They get to one of their mansion's many bathrooms, in which Tubbo makes Ranboo, who's now just feeling some sense of almost numbness, the world around him a haze of fuzzy images around the tears he's trying desperately to hold back, sit on the rim of the bathtub.

"Hey," Tubbo says gently, pulling up Ranboo's chin and brushing some of the stray tears off his cheeks before they could burn, "it's gonna be okay, alright? I'm here. I know now. I'll keep you safe, okay?"

A small enderman noise escapes Ranboo's lips, which is usually a sign he's right in between being himself and enderwalking, which is not good. Not good in the slightest.

"Boo... hey, look at me. You're here, alright? You're not in the end. You're here. You don't have to enderwalk to stay safe. I've got you. I'll keep you safe. Stay with me," Tubbo says gently, wrapping himself around his husband, his beloved.

And Ranboo hugs back.

"I-I'm- I'm still here..." He croaks out, burying his face in Tubbo's shoulder.

"Good, Boo... stay here. I know it's hard. I know you really don't want any of this stuff to happen or be spoken about. But I'm here to help you, and to keep you safe. I won't judge anything, I promise."

And Ranboo cries. Cries like a child that lost its mother. Lets everything loose, all the pent up emotions of the last six years flooding out of his eyes.

For once, the ender particles are quiet.

For once, it doesn't feel like he's sitting on death's doorstep.

And for once, a five year old sees his father in his most weakened state, and stays as silent as the ninjas his dad told him about in bedtime stories.

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Two posts today!! Sorry I haven't been the best with uploading, my life's kind of hectic rn, so progress is slow. by the way, if you want quicker uploads, I tend to post on AO3 before Wattpad, so you should check out Katrisha on AO3. Or just look up the book title, it's the same thing. (AO3's a bit better with formatting and notes and TWs though so it's slightly higher quality)

Also! C.AI profile is Katrisha_C222

I make DSMP fandom bots, and I'd like to think I put a fair amount of effort in, so you should check it out!