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Chapter 15: Conflicting Desires

I woke up to the smell of breakfast wafting through the air. For a moment, I forgot everything—the pain, the confusion, the fear. I stretched out on Jimmy’s couch, the warmth of the blanket cocooning me in a sense of security that I rarely felt. The sun was streaming through the windows, casting a golden glow across the room, and for a fleeting moment, I felt like everything might just be okay.

Jimmy was bustling around in the kitchen, humming softly to himself. When he saw me awake, he flashed me a warm smile. “Morning, sleepyhead. I made breakfast.”

I managed a small smile in return, the heaviness in my chest momentarily easing. I wanted so desperately for this to be my reality—a life where I could wake up to someone who cared, where I didn’t have to brace myself for what horrors might await me. I wanted this normalcy, this peace.

I joined him at the table, where a simple but comforting breakfast was laid out. Eggs, toast, and some fruit—nothing fancy, but it felt like a feast to me. Jimmy poured me a cup of orange juice, his smile never wavering.

“Thanks,” I murmured, feeling a lump form in my throat. It wasn’t just the food—it was the care behind it, the way Jimmy always seemed to know what I needed, even when I didn’t.

“Of course, Jae,” he said softly, his eyes meeting mine. “You know I’m here for you.”

We ate in comfortable silence, and for once, I let myself relax. The tension I usually carried on my shoulders began to ease, replaced by a warmth that I hadn’t felt in a long time. This felt like a glimpse of a life I could only dream of—one where I wasn’t constantly on edge, waiting for the next blow, whether physical or emotional.

After breakfast, Jimmy drove me to school. As we pulled up to the entrance, I found myself reluctant to leave the safety of his car. I knew what awaited me inside—taunts, stares, and the ever-present threat of Jake and his friends. I turned to Jimmy, who was watching me with that same concerned expression.

“I’ll be okay,” I said, more to convince myself than him.

He nodded, though I could see the doubt in his eyes. “Text me if you need anything, okay?”

“I will,” I promised, though we both knew I probably wouldn’t. I didn’t want to drag him further into my mess, didn’t want to burden him more than I already had.

As I got out of the car, I couldn’t help but watch it drive away, the sense of safety it represented fading with each passing second. I knew Jimmy had so much on his plate—university, studying, a life of his own. Yet, he always made time for me, always put me first. It made me feel both grateful and guilty.

Sighing, I turned to face the school, steeling myself for the day ahead. But I barely made it through the doors before a strong hand grabbed my arm and yanked me aside. My heart sank as I looked up and saw Jake’s furious expression. He didn’t say a word as he dragged me into a secluded room, his grip bruising my arm.

The second the door slammed shut, Jake’s fist connected with my stomach, doubling me over in pain. I gasped, the air knocked out of me, but before I could even catch my breath, he hit me again, this time across the face. My nose started bleeding immediately, and I could feel the hot, sticky blood trickling down my face.

“You’re such a piece of shit, Jae,” Jake spat, his voice laced with venom. “I fucking hate you. Do you hear me? I hate you!”

I flinched at his words, the sting of them cutting deeper than his blows. I didn’t understand—why was he doing this? What had I done to deserve this kind of hatred? But before I could even process the pain, Jake grabbed me by the hair, yanking my head back so I was forced to look into his eyes. The rage in them was terrifying, but there was something else there too—something I couldn’t quite place.

“Why don’t you fight back?” he sneered, his grip tightening. I whimpered, trying to pull away, but he held me firm. “Why don’t you do something, Jae?”

“Please...” I begged, my voice barely above a whisper. “Please, stop...”

But instead of stopping, Jake did something that completely shattered my already fragile world. He crushed his lips against mine in a bruising, punishing kiss. I froze, my mind unable to comprehend what was happening. One moment he was hitting me, screaming that he hated me, and the next he was kissing me like he couldn’t get enough.

The kiss was rough, almost desperate, and it left me reeling. I didn’t kiss back at first, too shocked to move, but when Jake growled in frustration and pushed me harder against the wall, I found myself kissing him back, scared of what he might do if I didn’t. My hands shakily pressed against his chest, feeling the heat of his body through his shirt.

Jake’s hand slid under my shirt, his fingers cold against my skin as they explored my upper body. I shivered, not from the cold but from the confusing mix of emotions swirling inside me. I hated that I liked the way his touch felt, hated that despite everything, I still loved him. I loved him even though he was hurting me, even though he made me feel like I was worth nothing.

After what felt like an eternity, Jake finally pulled away, panting heavily. His eyes were dark, conflicted, and he looked at me like he was trying to figure something out. But whatever it was, he couldn’t bring himself to say it. Instead, he just groaned in frustration and shoved me away from him.

“Why do you make me feel like this?” he muttered, more to himself than to me. Then, before I could say anything, he stormed out of the room, leaving me standing there, shaking and breathless.

As soon as the door slammed shut behind him, I crumpled to the floor, the tears I’d been holding back finally breaking free. My whole body hurt, my face throbbing from where he’d hit me, but it was the emotional pain that was overwhelming. How could he kiss me like that after everything? Why would he do that?

I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to hold myself together as sobs wracked my body. I loved Jake—I hated that I did, but I couldn’t help it. But this... this was too much. How could I love someone who hurt me like this? How could I want someone who seemed to take pleasure in tearing me apart?

The confusion, the hurt, the overwhelming emotions—they all crashed over me like a tidal wave, and I felt like I was drowning. All I could do was sit there, crying on the cold floor, wondering how much more of this I could take before I finally broke completely.