The Show Must Go On

Chapter Forty-Eight: White Roses

Chapter Forty-Eight Soundtrack: White Roses by Flyte and The Staves

Mei is early, which warns me that she's really worried. I've never even seen her on time.

I'm halfway through cooking a curry when she rings the bell. The bell, like everything else in the poorly-patched flat, only works half the time. So once I've run down the stairs, hugged her, remarked on how good she smells (like a sunrise), written down the shampoo she's using, and brought her into the flat, the curry is burning. Really badly.

Smoke is billowing through the kitchen. We clumsily grab the pot, both swear when it scalds our palms, and then try again with a towel, running it out to the fire escape where it steams and hisses but slowly cools down in the evening air.

We then sit on the floor, our backs to the wall, the cool breeze slowing our racing hearts, and compare burns.

'The curry looked really good,' Mei says half-heartedly. 'You know. The parts that weren't black and crumbly.'

'Is it worrying that my fire alarm didn't go off?' I ask.

'A little.'

'Do you think it broke at the party?'

'Nas did just hit it to make it stop. So probably, yeah.'

'I don't love that.'

'I'll send Gabriel to fix it.'

'We're two educated women. Why can't we fix it? Why do we need a man?'

'He's like eight feet tall, Ellie. His whole purpose is to fix stuff on the ceiling.'

'Oh yeah. Send him over, then. Also I have no idea how to repair an alarm.'

'Me neither. Obviously. Love the feminism, though.'

We stare at the alarm for a moment. It beeps, once, then falls silent.

'Takeout?' I ask.

'God, yeah. I'm starving. Today I had to explain to a teenage girl what a cervix was because she thought her stomach was falling out.'

'I don't even understand how that happens.'

'I'll tell you after we've eaten.'

'Pizza?'

'Perfect.'

*

'So,' Mei says once we've devoured two pizzas and garlic bread, 'how's things?'

We're sprawled on the couch, lying down until we're almost falling off and our legs curl under the table. My stomach turns, over and over, in protest at the amount I've just eaten. Worth it.

I'm fairly certain that Mei put off this conversation until we weren't facing each other. You can only get so much emotion out of her. She used to joke that surgery was perfect because the patients hardly ever talk back.

'Oh, you know. Dead fiance. Dead-end job. Other than that, all good.'

'You haven't got a dead-end job. Dead fiance, yes, I can't argue with that,' she says.

'I can't be a little self-pitying today?'

'Sure, turtle, but I think we should try to get somewhere with it.'

'Is that your medical opinion?'

'No, it's my opinion as the person who's watched you sleepwalk through three years of your life. I mean, of course I'm grieving for you, but when will something change?'

Wow. I definitely didn't expect to be burned and yelled at in one evening. This is a lot to process.

She correctly identifies my irritation and continues, 'You've never liked change, turtle. That's a fact. And this was a huge, terrible change, yes. But since Ben died, you've been stuck. You haven't even moved out of this flat, which, by the way, you hate.'

'I don't hate it,' I tell her half-heartedly.

'You think you're stuck in your job? Ask for a promotion. You aren't meeting new friends? Go out. Stop sitting at home, cooking shit curries and being told off by your mum.'

'You said my curry looked good.'

'I was obviously lying.'

I sit silently. The fire alarm beeps again.

Mei's hand finds mine on the cushion, though she's still looking resolutely at the ceiling.

My voice is tiny as I ask, 'But who will I be if I change?'

'You'll still be Ellie.'

'Who is that?'

She squeezes my hand.

'Think about it,' she says. 'If you're happy, then great. Carry on. But I suspect that, after a while, choosing to avoid change will be just as scary as changing.'

I will not cry. I will not.

Still looking at a crack in the ceiling, I tell her, 'I was so angry, you know? I had so much pain and grief and no one to blame for it. The driver that killed him died too, so there was just me, all cut up and alone and wishing I'd died too. I felt like the casket would have been more peaceful than living. There was no one to forgive so I just blamed myself.'

Now she rolls over and pulls me into her arms. She's small and soft against me and she smells like my childhood, and I'm crying now, properly.

'I know, turtle, I know. It's over now, though. You have to let it go.'

'I still love him, Mei. My love for Ben hasn't shrunk. But I feel like my heart has grown around it.'

'That's good,' she murmurs. 'You have a big heart.'

'Mei?'

'Yes?'

'Do you really think my curry is bad, or were you just proving a point?'

'It's bad, turtle. Really bad.'

'Okay. Thanks.'

'You're welcome.'

*

there will be more graphic sexual scenes between chapters 49 and 52! feel free to skip ahead if that's not for you.