Today, today I realized I'm not better I'm not as different then I was a month ago or a year ago, I'm still a fragile little girl who doesn't think she has a purpose in life.
Today I realized that tomorrow I will go to school and laugh and smile talk with my friends and then maybe I might have a mood swing and then get really sad and not talk. I realize that I did that last year too I haven't grown out of depression and I don't think I ever will.
Today I thought about killing myself I realized that after trying so many times it probably wouldn't work just like the last times I might grow out of being suicidal but not for a while. I constantly feel like I'm worthless and have no reason to be alive, but then I think of my family. The family I was born into and rhe family I've grown over time.
Today, today I remembered how happy and careless I used to be I used to be happy? I think that it would be impossible to be a genuinely happy person to want to live to want to be a part of this life time to not wanna start over again. I'm a happy person I thought to myself a week ago but now I sit in bed waiting for the one person who told me to reach out if I need help, I reached out I told him how I felt, my thoughts wanting to relapse and he left me on read. It's been three hours.
Today I realized.....I do not want to be alive I wish I was never born and I wish I knew why, I have no recent experience that should make me feel this way, so why do I? Maybe it's all my fault maybe I set myself up for failure maybe I shouldn't have been so open about my past cause when I am it back fires on me like it was all my fault. But when I share my said I'm making it about myself? I wish I could be honest.
Today, today I got an email from Sam Golbach talking about music.
Today....
Today could have been my last day, and I wish it was.
