One Sarcastic Survival

The Day I Almost Broke My Cover

Me: Well, this is going to be a fun disaster.

Honestly, of all the ways I could potentially die in the Netherworld, this ranking event probably ranks third. Maybe fourth if you count that time I nearly got swallowed whole by a demon whose name I still can't pronounce. But hey, who's counting?

Kallego: Iruma! If you mess up this next task, I'll personally make sure you regret every second of your existence.

Me: Oh, so nothing new then?

I could practically feel the heat of his glare burning holes into the back of my head. Classic Kallego. Couldn't be a proper day without him threatening to end my life—or make it miserable. Same thing, really.

We were in the middle of the Demon Ranking Event, which, for those of you blessed enough not to be a human accidentally taken away by a demon and becoming their pet for years, is a kind of competition where demons get to flex all their ridiculous powers and prove they're worthy of their rank. Which means... fighting, running, flying, and in general, trying not to look like a total weakling.

Of course, the weakling in question today? 

Yours truly.

Not that anyone knows that. They think I'm a demon like the rest of them. Lucky me, right?

Cue the sarcasm.

"Next round! Agility test!" someone shouted over the crowd. Great. Just what I needed. More running.... and besides this text is ridiculous. It is over a week long exam to finally get everyone sorted out.... I never understood and will understand this shit.

I stretched out, trying to look nonchalant. It wasn't like I didn't have a plan... I just didn't know if it was going to work. Demon agility tests aren't exactly designed for a human, so what's the worst that could happen?

Oh, right. 

My cover could get blown. 

No big deal.

Kallego: Iruma! Get in position before I come over there and drag you.

Me: I'm going, I'm going! Keep your claws on.

It's not like I was worried. I mean, sure, everyone around me could probably bench press a mountain or summon fire with a flick of their wrist, but what do I have?

Sarcasm. 

And lots of it.

The whistle blew, and we were off. Demons dashed around me at speeds I could barely see, but I had one thing going for me. You see, humans have this neat little thing called adrenaline, and I was chock-full of it. I started running—no magic, no demonic power-ups—just pure, unfiltered, panic-fueled sprinting.

This is fine. 

Totally fine. 

I'm not dying. I'm just—

I nearly tripped as a demon zoomed past me, narrowly avoiding getting yeeted off the course. I swore under my breath.

Is he even running? 

Or teleporting? 

What are the rules here?!

Kallego: IRUMA! MOVE FASTER!

Me: Oh, sorry, I didn't realize you were offering encouragement today!

Kallego: I will not hesitate to end you.

Ah, the sweet sounds of constant threats. Motivational, really.

Somehow, by some miracle (read: dumb luck), I wasn't last. Which was a huge deal, considering the guy behind me was a literal beast. I slid across the finish line, barely avoiding a faceplant. Demons were panting, heaving, some of them looking like they'd just run a marathon through a desert. Me? I was just trying to catch my breath while pretending I wasn't on the verge of collapsing.

Kallego's eyes were fixed on me, sharp as knives, clearly judging every single second of my existence.

Kallego: You're not as useless as I thought.

Wow, praise from Kallego? 

That's it. 

Today's definitely cursed.

The other demons were staring, some whispering among themselves. I could hear snippets of their conversation.

"Did you see Iruma? How is he so fast?"

"He doesn't even use magic! What kind of demon is he?"

The worst kind. 

A human pretending to be one.

I was in way too deep. If I kept pulling stunts like this, someone was going to figure it out. The fact that I had zero magic, but still managed to keep up with these guys, was becoming more suspicious by the second.

Kallego: You're done for the day, Iruma. Go rest before you actually collapse and embarrass me.

Me: Oh, wouldn't dream of embarrassing you, Kallego-sensei.

Kallego: Sarcasm will not save you, Iruma.

It's all I have, though.

I glanced around. Everyone was still watching me, whispering. I wasn't sure if they were impressed or suspicious. Probably both. I needed to lay low. Which is hard when your whole existence is one giant, sarcastic act of pretending you belong in a world you absolutely don't.

Note to self: Start taking this whole 'demon' thing more seriously. 

Before someone gets smart and realizes I'm bluffing.

The day was over, but I knew this wasn't the end. The ranking event had just begun, and I was already dangerously close to blowing my cover.

Why do I feel like tomorrow's going to be worse?

Kallego: Iruma! If you don't leave this arena in the next five seconds—

Me: I'm going, I'm going! Sheesh.