Ellie Lister is one of the ex-members of one direction and still good friends with Niall and Louis. She went through a tough time after the hiatus and decides to record her first own album in 2021 during Covid, after she was the opener for Ed Sheer...
This morning I woke up pretty excited. I love driving to the studio. Especially early in the morning, when no one is on the streets and I can have the studio all by myself and when I leave I will always meet old friends in the hallway who I know from the band. It's 6 am when I left my apartment in Chelsea. I put on my Ugg-slippers and grey sweatpants, because it was already chilly outside even though it's only September. I paired it with a navy blue sweater and some golden jewellery.
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When I arrived at the studio, it was already 6:30 am, because I stopped at my favourite bakery to buy some of my favourite cookies. I love the heart shaped ones with raspberry jam in. I put down my bag in a chair and turned on the studio lights. I really missed being here. I would come here every week, but after my mum died I wanted to be there for my family, so I recorded the most stuff at my house. There were a few songs I still haven't finished recording. Most of the songs are finished, but the songs I had to play on the piano, I wanted to record in the studio for better quality.
So I still had to record camden, loml and how did it end?. I've never really wanted to record loml and how did it end?, because these are one of the most emotional ones on this album. They speak for themselves and I am afraid of what people might think of them, when they find out the meaning behind them. When I dropped some song names on a talk show a few weeks ago, people were analysis the shit out of these titles.
I finished camden pretty fast. It only took a few retakes, before it sounded the way I wanted it to. It's harder to record a song, without my producers here, because I have to manage everything at the same time. I wrote camden after my birthday last year. It was my first birthday and Christmas without my mum there. It was really hard to see everyone celebrating with their family and having a great time, when I was trying to hide my feelings in front of my dad. He had to go through so much. My mum was only 50, when she passed away because of her disease.
The next one I recorded was loml. It was really though for me to record this one. I originally didn't plan to play it on the piano, but I felt like the piano version expressed the more emotions. I wrote this exactly 18 months after we decided to take a break. I know we were young, when we first started, but it felt so right. I held onto them so hard, I didn't saw, how I stopped living completely. We all went through so much and I know that, but we all lifted each other up. We've been together for so long and it still didn't last. I feel like I loss a part of my life that day, when I realised we were not coming back.
What we all thought was for all time, was momentary
When I was finished recording loml, I looked up and saw that it already was 1 pm. So this song took a little longer. I stood up from the piano bench and walked to the chair, my bag was laying on. I grabbed my purse and took out £15 to get some coffee from the café downstairs in the building. I was familiar here, because I helped Taylor with her new album folklore. She also helped me writing right were you left me and everything has changed. I am so in aww with her. She is one of the kindest people, I have met. I couldn't believe her, when she asked me to help her with some songs of hers. She even called Ed to help us with everything has changed. It was so crazy, but they were both so incredibly supportive and they loved hearing my new album. At first I thought Ed would be a little less talkative, because he is still friends with the other boys, but we talked the whole time.
When I opened the door to the café, I already smelled the familiar scent. I approached the counter and was greeted by a friendly looking barista. I ordered one black coffee for Jeff, my producer and one vanilla coffee with oat milk for me. Jeff always says that I will get diabetes one day because I put way too much honey and brown sugar in my coffee. On that day I drunk 4 of them. Maybe he was right... After I paid, I went upstairs again and put Jeff's and mine coffee on the small table next to the piano and sat down on the bench again. I knew what song, I had to record next, but I was dreading it. It brings so many memories back and every time I read or sang the lyrics my eyes watered a little bit.
I went to the computer and set everything up to record this song. I checked the microphone and cracked my fingers one last time. Through the big headphones, I could here when it was time for me to start playing.
We hereby conduct this post mortem. He was a hothouse flower to my outdoorsman. Our maladies were such, we could not cure them And so a touch that was my birthright became foreign.
I took a deep breath, before continuing to play.
Call one, come all It's happening again, the empathetic hunger descends We'll tell no one accept all of our friends We must know. How did it end?
I still remember to this day, how my phone was bombed by people asking me, why we are taking a break. My family asking me, why we weren't celebrating Christmas and my birthday with Harry and his family. My managers asking me, if I am quitting my job. The news were full of speculation of why we broke up. Some of them thought I've got pregnant from one of the boys and I couldn't perform anyone. Some of them thought I caused a huge fight. Some of them thought I wanted all the fame for myself and go solo. All this pain I went though that time, is captured in this song. I continued to play as I felt a few tears rolling down my cheeks. It just shows, how much this time has affected me, without sounding dramatic.
My therapist said I was going through a depressive episode at that time. I was laying in bed for weeks. Only my parents saw me at that time. The first time I went outside was weeks after the last performance. People were thinking I was crazy. I looked like a zombie. Mascara stains under my eyes. Almost pitch black bangs under my eyes. My hair was a mess. I was a mess. And of course luck wasn't on my side that day, because paparazzi's had swarmed my house, my car, even the shop I went to that day.
Guess who we went into the shops, walking in circles like she was lost. Didn't you hear they called it all of, One gasp, and then How did it end?
After going to the shop, I was so angry for not having my privacy, after sharing my life since I was 16 years old. So instead of going insane, I wrote this song. This was such a relieve for me. I let all my anger out to my scrapbook. I was so angry for all these nosy people. Even my neighbours were looking over from their porch. I couldn't even have some time off at my parents place, that was the moment I realised that I will never get away from the fame.
Say it once again with feeling How the death rattle breathing silence as the soul was leaving the deflation of our dreaming leaving me bereft and reeling my beloved ghost and me sitting in a tree D-Y-I-N-G it's happening again.
I was playing the piano so hard and also put the volume of the piano up, so I could hear it though all the speakers in the studio. It felt like relieving this anger all over again. My frustration was back and the questions stayed the same. The people were asking it over and over aging. I was asking it myself....
But I still don't know How did it end?
I was playing the last few cords, when I heard someone clapping behind me. The person must have been standing then for quite along time. Before I turned around, I could already sense, who were standing behind me. It was his quiet presence, which I recognise from our stays at hotels in the past. He would always sneak around and scare the shit out of me. I took a deep breath and turned around. There he stood, leaning against the doorframe. Brown curls framing his face. He looks older, but not in a bad way. He looks more mature and has a sharper face. I didn't know what to say. He came up to me and I automatically stood up. He went for a hug and I just went for it too. I didn't realise how much I needed it until I was in his arms. He held me tightly and I breathed in his scent. I felt home.
"That sounded beautiful Ellie! I really missed hearing you sing."
