Firm constellation

My drug addict

As you probably heard a lot before, there are a lot of cases involving bad influence coming from a bad entourage. I am being one of the thousands of cases. My first bad friends, who thought me everything I know and want to forget showed me some tricks. I was avid of freedom so my first bad habit was self harm. Damn, the scars never faded, even though I tried everything to make them disappear. My first cut was a scream for attention, as the attention whore I was back than. I did it during school. After I got home, I got annoyed on my mom, showed them my arm and told her that it is her fault. Huge mistake, damn. Even though I got the freedom I so long wanted, my parents departed. Now I know how hard it must had been for them.  My second bad habit started  when the initiation began and my lovely friends sticked a cigarette in my mouth, because it was ''cool''. Smoking made me feel dizzy and sick in the same time, but the feeling worked for me. Coming home smelling like an ash pot was giving me a hard time with my parents, but what could I do? Ok, I know, a lot but I didn't so don't judge. Worse was the moment when my tongue first tasted the sweet taste of alcohol, and I couldn't stop. The feeling was so strange for me, not being able to move my body in the way I wanted, laughing because somebody raised his finger, trambling around the corners and falling on the ground. I feel pretty ashamed. Now, I stopped the self harm completely, I'm still a smoker but a moderate one, and I have a good resistance at alcohol. *wink* But this bad habits aren't my purpose. Since you've read the title, you've been waiting for me to tell you about some marijuana or legal drugs. Well, my real drug was worse than all of this. I was addicted to love.

                                                                     #1  THE guy whose name was Lucifer

The first semester of school involves cold mornings, sleepy teens and grumpy teachers. In this not so loved days I chose to fall in love. One word from him could make me die of happiness. Staring at him everyday, trying to be close even though he was always making me leave, talking to him even though he always told me to shut my mouth. Yeah, I know, wonderful. *laughs*But in one happy day, one beloved teacher put me with him in a group project. Using the occasion, I asked for his number, knowing that he will have no choice but give it to me. The unlocked achievement made me jump an entire day, But was it enough? No. It wasn't. All we talked was about the project, involving me doing the entire work. But I was so in love. In this matter, we had an A, but in the other hand, we weren't closer at all. I was growing sadder and sadder so I closed myself in a little Pandora box, waiting for somebody to open it. It never happened. A funny story is that one day, I was jokingly fighting with a friend. I lost my balance and fell on THE guy, who started screaming at me, making me feel the embarasment rushing through my veins. I yelled back, showing some attitude, and didn't talk to him again. So you think that this is the end but no, when you let the devil enter in your life, it never leaves without taking your soul. The drug continued to feed from me, but I wasn't really noticing it.

                                                                   # 2 My friend is a grave digger

After I left the first group I ever entered, I met this online gal, Gaby. She was damn fun. I grew up after life happened to me and me and Gaby were getting along very well. Plus there was this guy, a really good friend of mine, hmm, what name to give to him... Karl. He is going to kill me for giving him this name. Anyway, Gaby liked a guy and she never told me his name. I was waiting for her trust to grow, I wasn't making pressure at all. And when she told me, THE name drew a stake right through my heart. Was THE guy, MY guy, Lucifer. I almost died. It was hard, but I did it. I continued talking to her, getting excited with her. I even named a chat box:''Gaby is getting married.''It killed me. And she will never realize what sacrifice I made for her. I will tell you more about it later, the rage I felt when my sacrifice was treated like an ordinary whore. Back to the subject, the love and the sympathy I had for this gal made me give up on my wishes but mostly, the fact that MY guy was happy with THE gal made me wish for them to be happy. Just if they were. 

                                                                         #3 I am a romance seeker

After I've got MY guy and THE gal as a friend I started to concentrate on forgetting or at least ignoring my romance dream. The second semester involved 10 boyfriends. And the last one was Mark. And he marked me. Do you see what I'm doing here? *laughs* Even though seeing Gaby together with Lucifer, I sticked on Mark, the unimportant part of my life. I can't say that he wasn't somehow fun. He gave me everything I wanted but not what I needed. I need MY guy. I couldn't be as close as I used to be with Lucifer since Gaby came home from where the hell she is living during school. Avoiding to feel the pain, I changed a little bit. I started going out with Mark's group which was ok in my point of view. I've got a lot of opportunities and a lot of fun. On the moment. I have to admit that the fights were funny. When I was in the mood for fighting, I just told him and than the show was starting. Everytime I was bursting in laughing but who wouldn't? It was a made up fight, for God's sake! This romance lasted 7 months and damn, I hadn't wasted my time at all. It ended because of 2 reasons. The first one is that my friends started to call me down. ''You changed'' ''You're not who you used to be and it's just Mark's fault.'' And the second one was that Mark started putting pressure on me. He didn't want me to meet up with MY guy at all. That was war, man.