Firm constellation

Missing the devil's presence

I'm having an honesty moment here so consider yourself warned. Me and all of my book's reader are back in the present now. If you read the first 4 chapters of my story, you may cought the principal idea. Even though I wrote it on an ironical tone, you can't imagine how much all of those stuff used to hurt. I'm a person of the past. I live through my memories. And it's not like I'm happy doing this, no. I'm actually regretting everything. Not because they happened, more like that they passed. Now, while I'm listening to Cold by Crossfade, I feel like everything I have been burying in my mind just came back to the light. And I feel this in my chest.  ''What I really meant to say, it's I'm sorry for the way I am, I never meant to be so cold.''  As Crossfade says, this regret will never let me breath entirely. I just smoked a cigarette and watched the sky as I used to do just one year ago when I was so much more happier. And why that? Because I was with him. I'm sick, so sick of all of these mixed feelings. Sometimes I feel just like I want to punch him in the face because he is such a stupid fucker but sometimes all the little things I love about him make me go back from where I started. And I started with loving him. Some things just can't be forgotten. What I recently found out, I don't know if it's true or if it's a lie but it hurt like hell.  He said he loved me just for 5 minutes. 5 minuted that lasted 5 months for me. That all of this time he loved somebody else. This thing makes me wonder what I was for him? Nothing. Just a failure. The coldness he gives me everyday kills me because we used to be so much more. Have you ever felt this kind of pain, this frustration? 

                                                                                #1 Mixed feeling

In this moment, I don't what I am supposed to do. To hurt? I'm already hurting inside. To scream? I did it for so man times that it feel worthless. To cry? To cry what? The tears I no long have? To hate? You know that saying, ''You can't truly hate something you never loved.'' As long I keep this hate, I will keep loving him too. It doesn't feel right. I want to leave this place so his face will become just a so long lost memory. I am ready to forget. But it's easier to hate somebody than forget him. I don't need to see him to satisfy my need. The feeling is always there, feeding from me. I'm wasted. And not like drunk or stoned. I'm wasted as a person. My feelings are spread all over me. I can't even breath right. His name is tattooed on my heart (and it almost was on my butt but this is another story). 

                                                  

                                                           #2 There's no point in loving an ideal

I start to think about myself as a sick and twisted girl. This wasn't what I dreamed of. I started with the left foot and to make the next step without falling is hard. And I'm not exactly he balanced type of person. I need a break. A long one. He is my ideal and I love him but it's worthless to keep thinking like this. I am obsessed, of course. But how couldn't I be after all of this time I've spent, investing feeling and hopes and dreams in him. I'm not a saint but he is the devil so shouldn't I have a peace of Heaven once in a while? I see that this in not the way life works. Trying to believe in myself and not in the stars but now the sky is dark and cloudy and I, I'm not here either. I'm so far away. 

                                                                 #3 This is somehow a journal

People will never have enough patience to listen to what I have to say, and I will never find my words as easy as I find them now. Trust in this matter, every single word I've written since now is a peace from my heart. I just can't handle life no more. Not without knowing that someone, some day, will find this little article and will see what I've been through. I'm not cold and soul less. I just don't like to show this face to everybody. It would ruin everybody's mood, right? So while during daytime I'm all happy and shits, the night had been given to me for expressing myself. You may think that this is lame, but I just know you felt this way at least once in your life. Is not attention which I need. I need happiness which would last an entire night. And not just a dream. I may sound greedy, but I had such a lack of happiness that I feel like I am going to fie of a broken heart.