Firm constellation

Wasted lie

As I always said, lies aren't all the time a bad thing. But you have to choose carefully so your lie wouldn't be harmful for other people. From what I've experienced in that first year of life (because what I lived before couldn't be called actually life as I wasn't living it), the good I did to the ones I loved put me down. My reputation was destroyed and my chances of happiness were destroyed too. Imagine how hard was for me to see the one I love, holding hands, kissing and being happy not with just somebody else, but with my best friend.  I wasn't ok at all but nobody noticed so I continued to fake the girl I chose to be. But you don't know how angry I felt when my biggest sacrifice was treated like a used whore. Gaby left MY guy because she got bored and she destroyed him. 

                                                                #1 MY guy's feelings

I never saw a man in such a state of mind. He was ruined, everything he built was so damaged that all the walls fell and he was sitting there naked, in the middle of what was  once a castle of dreams and happiness. You can't imagine how hard was for me to see him like this, as I felt guilty for encouraging him to stay with her and vice versa.  I wanted to be close to him so I could take a part of his pain and carry it with me. I was again suffocating him with my constant attention but I was so worried for him that I wanted to watch him all the time so he won't make anything he will regret later. He had Karl, of course, and Gaby was supposed to have me on her side. I didn't feel like she deserved a sidekick. What she did was unforgivable. But in Lucifer's eyes, I was his enemy and that killed me. 

                                                 #2 My situation and what I chose to be

It wasn't easy at all for me to stand for both of them so I chose the neutrality, which was the safest way to not get too involved in this war. While me and Gaby continued to be the friends we always were, Lucifer changed the way he acted around me. He finally saw that I was there for him, that even though I wasn't saying it, I knew he was right. After all of these realizations, we grew closer. We were best friends. I spent long nights talking with him at the phone, long days at his place, and I started to discover the mistery he hided behind his name. It was pretty freaky but I believed him, because he was my friend. I didn't like to see his puppy face when he was around Gaby so I helped him forget. Do you know how hard was for me to not tell him what I feel? But I felt like it wasn't the right time, that we were close to that, but I needed just a little bit more patience. I was struggling with my feeling. I managed to handle them in the end, taking the love I had for him for granted. 

                                                  #3 My bestfriend is a coldblooded bitch

As me and Lucifer were growing closer, Gaby and Mark did the same. Mark was really good at convincing people that he is what he actually is not.  The way she treated Lucifer was odd. With my and Karl's help, he got confidence and started to fight her back. I was proudly watching the outside war but sadly, I knew that deep inside, his heart was still bleeding, that his skin misses her just as much I missed his smile. All of these made me sad, but I never told them. They looked unimportant and now, they became unimportant as me and Lucifer are nothing more than strangers. But this is a story to be told another time. The way Gaby treated Lucifer made me grow angrier and angrier, but I said nothing. I had to stay impartial so I won't break what I so hard built. In my head I was stabbing her and yelling at her, questioning her about the reasons she did this to somebody I loved. I started question myself too. What if she is going to do the same thing to me when she gets bored. This fear gave me cold shivers on my body. I didn't trust her enough but I continued what I was doing. For me and for him mostly. I can't say that I don't love this little coldblooded bitch, but I still don't get her. 

                                                            #4 Mark is starting wars

As me and Lucifer became friends, Mark started to feel threatened by his presence. I didn't notice it until he told me that he'd like me to go out with Lucifer no more.  I laughed and said that he must be stupid, as Lucifer was my best friend. ''He is more that your best friend, you love him''. ''Of course I love him, he is my best friend.'' ''you don't get it, you love him more than this. You are going to leave me.'' Even though I told Mark to stop complaining about my friends, in my head I answered him with a maybe. It was my turn to be a cold blooded bitch but he deserved it as you'll see soon. Lucifer quickly found out about Mark's fears during a phone conversation. He laughed just as much as I did and we both knew the real reason for our amusement. Mark lost me since he met me, I was never his as I loved somebody else. But I knew it better, Lucifer just suspecting this. I never mentioned it though. In my first part of my life, I never did and never had the intention to reveal the deepest and the holiest secret I ever had.