Own You

Chapter 10

On a cold winter night, I gave birth prematurely. Jamal and I welcomed a baby boy into a cruel world, and I dreaded every minute of holding him. This is my reality; the stress of my mother's betrayal and Jamal's secrets weighed on me too much. I've never seen him so worried about anything before. But when my water broke, it's like the world tilted on its axis.

The look in Jamal's eyes was one of worry and sincerity. In the hospital, he never left my side. Not even after the baby was out of me. Breastfeeding was an ordeal, but he helped me every step of the way. When we got home from the hospital, Jamal tended to my every need and then some. It's weird to see him this way; I don't know if I should trust it.

It's been two months since I gave birth and I have healed a lot, even our son is doing better. But I still find it hard to look at his beautiful face and not feel disgusted. I don't want to hate this child, but I don't know how to love him the right way. Jamal tries his best to make me feel comfortable, but he knows I'll never trust him. He says he will do right by me in the end, that he regrets doing this to me.

I say nothing back to him, ever. I can see it bothers him, but he doesn't push me. Jamal told me this morning that Antonio would be here by the evening. Since it's late afternoon now, I decide to take my shower and make myself presentable. Antonio will surely want to spend dinner with me and do more than that after.

Jamal walks into the room as I am untwisting my hair and breastfeeding Andre.

"He'll be here within the hour," Jamal says in a solemn voice.

I look over at him, seeing the disappointment in his eyes.

"Okay. I'll be ready."

While I continue to undo and separate my curls, Jamal continues to stand in the doorway. I know he wants to say more, but he is having trouble finding the words. Finally, he walks all the way into the room and sits on the bed next to me and the baby. I cradle Andre against my chest, wrapped in a blanket that is tied around my torso. He eats with his eyes closed as he is about to fall asleep. Jamal caresses the baby's head as he eats and smiles softly at him.

"You know, you don't have to do this. I could send you away right now?"

I shoot him a suspicious glare before I speak.

"Fine. Do it. Get me out of here and away from you."

Jamal's eyes narrow slightly as he looks at me, and he gets up from the bed.

"I said I'd get you out of here, but I won't ever let you be away from me unless it's necessary," his voice is stern and almost threatening.

"No, fuck that. I want out of all of this. I didn't agree to any of it. You used me to get in good with these gangsters, but I don't wanna do this. I don't want to be with them or you!" I yell at him.

The baby unlatches from my breast for a moment and whines; I readjust Andre and calm him down before he continues to eat.

"Mya... I know what I did... it was beyond fucked up. But I... I can't let you go. You are mine and mine alone; I told you your body and your heart belong to me."

"It sure doesn't seem that way, Master. You may have saved my life, but you also ruined it. You don't get to---"

Jamal grabs my face with his right hand and crushes his lips against mine. His tongue swirls around with mine and something inside of me feels different. My body tingles and I grow moist at the sensation of his mouth on mine. I can't feel this way for him again, I can't give him my affection, hoping he will change. He may have saved me but, he doesn't have a right to me.

His finger runs through my fresh curls and his breathing in between each kiss staggers.

"Jamal, stop it!" I say, pushing him away.