All's Fair in Revenge

Chapter 46: According to Plan

A thin parapet separated an open castle walkway from the long fall into the rocky sea. I ran my hand over the smooth stone feeling the grooves from grazing arrows, the crumble from centuries of weather and repair. How many hands had touched the wall before mine? How much blood had the stone absorbed? How many kings had sat in their cozy quarters while his people gave their lives for a structure that did not feed them, clothe them, or warm them?

My hands dipped between its notches scooping up the cold night air. As I did, the same thoughts repeated over and over in my mind.

Thorne and I almost kissed. Wickham killed Arin. The king of Dorsette is dead.

It had been a good night after all, and it was only to get better.

I passed under narrow archways leading to shallow steps and higher walls, the cogs in my mind working over what I'd say to Ma'ma once I found her. Facing her was the real reason I walked the castle's lonely passages that midnight. It's why I searched for air, avoiding the inevitable. Because at some point I'd have to go back to that room. I'd have to face Liv and Ma'ma. I'd have to face myself, too. And truly, it had never been clearer to me how lost I had become. Everyone wanted answers and I had none.

Come to realize, setting out for Castle Moer had been foolish and impulsive and all the other adjectives Thorne loved to toss at me. I had only wanted to protect Arin after failing her in her final moments when she needed me most. That death had left me feeling hollow. Cowardice had left me feeling guilty. The all-consuming grief had left me angry. Still today I feel anger alone is not a big enough word to capture what I really felt. It was rage and vengeance and malice mashed together like some kind of sludge that churned in my gut, fueling every risk-seeking decision I made. My mind had a single path to revenge. Hatred lined it. I hated the man who killed my sister, and I hated the country who harbored him. Once more, I hated Dorsette for the pain it'd put my people through—my family with it. In truth, Arin hadn't been the single casualty Dorsette caused, but my aunt, too. And countless ancestors who all fought at our borders at one time or another. We were the only countries under the Great Charter who still fought. Everyone else had managed to get along and prosper. Only Dorsette stood between us and that beloved peace Ma'ma spoke so often about.

Dorsette claimed a marriage with Enric would resolve the bad blood between us. After all, we'd both lost countless people over the years. Dorsette wanted it to end. Kelvia, too. In the eyes of the king, a Kelvian queen would fix that. How, I'm not sure, when they treated their women as their chattel. Upon the very first step I took in Castle Moer it was clear where I stood. No union would fix that. Our generation's long battle continued because of it. Simply put, Kelvians believed all people deserved to live well and Dorsette reserved that right to the few; how would we ever get past that fundamental discrepancy between our beliefs? Their stance on women and poverty had halted every negotiation thus far. Joining a Kelvian and Dorsi altered nothing if the humans weren't willing to change their ways. And from what I'd heard throughout the court during my time there had left me no more convinced.

Learning all of that—more so stopping to think about it in general—didn't change the fact that I'd come to marry the prince with no real intention of doing so. My revenge brought me to kill a murderer, but I'd disregarded the implications of my actions in favor of easing my guilt. It wasn't until I felt Enric's mouth on mine that the realization of it all came crashing down on me in a conspicuous whirlwind of comeuppance.

Which was all to say, I had to confront my choices and their fallout. Dorsette would not take my actions lightly. I finally understood that as clearly as the stars I admired high above the Ortusalis that night.