From Love

A Fighting Chance

The first month without Jax at home felt like I was living in a constant fog, that I couldn't seem to find my way out of. Christmas had come and gone, and I hadn't even decorated, as I just wasn't in the spirit, with everything that was going on. The new year was coming up and I wasn't looking forward to it, knowing I was going to have to bring it in without Jax.

The house felt empty, and was always eerily quiet. Every creak, every distant sound from the outside made me jump up and reach for my gun, as I remembered that someone had broken in the night before Thanksgiving, and we still didn't know who. That uncertainty kept me on edge, and without Jax being locked up, he wasn't here to protect me.

That's where Rat came in.

He'd been staying with me as protection, per Jax's orders. Just to ensure nothing happened with whoever could've been lurking around out there. It was nice having Rat around, as his presence kept me from unraveling completely. He was like a big brother to me, and was doing his best to keep me distracted from the hell Jax was trapped in. I don't think he knew how much it meant to me, but without him, I probably would've lost my mind.

The first couple of weeks were the hardest. I'd wake up in the middle of the night, expecting to feel Jax beside me, only to find his side of the bed empty, and cold. It hit me like a sucker punch to the gut. There were nights I barely slept, tossing and turning as I replayed everything that had happened over and over again in my head. Sometimes I'd sit on the edge of the bed, staring at the door, half hoping Jax just walk through it like nothing had ever happened.

But he didn't. And he couldn't.

Instead, I had Ratboy. He made sure I ate, even when I didn't feel like it, kept the house from feeling like a tomb, and most importantly, he didn't hover. He gave me space when I needed it but was always nearby if I wanted to talk, or just needed a reminder that I wasn't alone.

Rat wasn't like the others. He didn't carry the weight of the club on his shoulders the way Jax did, the way Chibs did. He was lighter, somehow, and I needed that lightness. It kept me from sinking into the darkness that threatened to pull me under every day Jax wasn't here.

We'd sit in the living room most evenings, watching some mindless show on TV while Rat tinkered with whatever he'd brought with him, usually bike parts or something small that kept his hands busy. Sometimes, when it got too quiet, he'd start talking about random stuff... things he'd seen on tv, bikes, even old stories about Tig that would make me laugh despite everything.

"I know this sucks..." Rat said one night as we sat on the couch, and he was fiddling with a lighter, while I stared blankly at the TV. "But he's gonna be alright. Lowen's a shark. She's not gonna let him go down for this."

I nodded, though the words didn't do much to ease the knot that had taken permanent residence in my chest. I wanted to believe that, but every day that passed without Jax at home felt like a step closer to losing him for good. I couldn't shake the feeling that the system was out to bury him, no matter how flimsy the evidence was.

Rat saw the doubt in my eyes, but he didn't push. Instead, he just kept me company, his presence a quiet reassurance that I wasn't alone in this. And I was grateful for it.

Every Tuesday and Thursday, I went to visit Jax in county. It had become a ritual of sorts, something to mark the days by in this endless stretch of time without him. The drive to the jail was always the worst part. My stomach would tie itself in knots, and my hands shaking slightly on the wheel as I drove. But once I saw him, it was like I could breathe again, even if just for a little while.

The first time I saw him after the hearing, it took everything in me not to break down right there in the visitor's room. His eyes, once so full of life and fire, had dulled a bit. The lines on his face seemed deeper, the weight of everything bearing down on him. But he tried to smile when he saw me, and that was enough to keep me going.

"How's everything at home?" He asked, leaning forward slightly in his seat, with the phone pressed against his ear.

"It's okay." I lied, giving him a half hearted smile. "Rat's been staying with me, like you asked. Keeping things in order. No sign of anyone coming back to the house."

He nodded, though I could tell he wasn't convinced. Neither was I, to be honest. But what else could I say? The truth? That the house didn't feel safe anymore? That I barely slept, half expecting someone to break in again? No. I couldn't put that on him. Not when he had his own battle to fight.

"Lowen says we're in good shape." I told him, switching the subject to the case. "She's confident she can get the charges dropped before trial. Says she's got enough to poke holes in their evidence."

"Good." Jax said, with his jaw clenched tight. "She's gotta make this go away, Elise. I can't stay in here. Not for something I didn't do."

I reached out, placing my hand on the cold glass that separated us. It wasn't enough... I wanted to touch him, hold him, but this would have to do. "She will... I have faith in her." I tried to reassure him.

But in the back of my mind, doubt lingered. What if she couldn't? What if this was it? What if the system decided Jax was too dangerous, too much of a liability, and took him away from me for good?

The days seemed to drag by after that. Rat kept me busy, helping around the house and even dragging me out for groceries or errands when I didn't feel like leaving the couch. Sometimes, he'd just sit with me in the quiet, neither of us saying much, but the silence was comfortable. Familiar, even.

Things seemed to settle into some kind of routine, but it still didn't feel real. I still expected Jax to walk through the door at the end of the day, tired but alive, to tell me about his day, or take out his frustrations on me in the best way. But he didn't, and every time I was reminded of that, it hurt all over again.

On the days I didn't visit him, I found myself counting down the hours until I could see him again, until I could tell him what Lowen said or just sit across from him and pretend, for a little while, that everything was normal.

While Rat being around was a big help, I felt like the only thing that could really help was having Jax back home. Safe. Out of that damn jumpsuit and beside me where he belonged. Until that happened, all I could do was hold on and hope that Lowen was right. That we had a fighting chance to bring him home.